"Freaky Farley" Review - Written by TonyD

“Freaky Farley”
2008
BOMB out of ****
Director: Charlie Roxburgh
Cast: Matt Farley, Sharon Scalzo, Kevin McGee


Everyone knows about my dreaded “BOMB” rating. The “BOMB” rating means just how terrible a film can be. A film that receives such rating means that it doesn’t even deserve a zero rating. I don’t give it to many films, unless if you really make me mad. Last year, I gave the “BOMB” rating to six films, and the year before, I gave it to two films. Within thirty days, I have given a “BOMB” rating to three films. The first was “Alvin and the Chipmunks” and the second was “Good Luck Chuck.” But everyone knew about those films and kind of could have seen it coming from a mile away.

But the third one is a little independent movie called “Freaky Farley”… and holy shit is this film terrible.

I’ve seen a lot of shit that I hated. Whether it was a movie starring Dan Fogler or a “classic” directed by Stanley Kubrick that I think is an overrated piece of painted shit, I always had the same reasons to why I never liked those films. They cared about what they looked like in the fan’s eyes and not everyone else’s eyes. And I don’t care if you like “Good Luck Chuck” or “2001: A Space Odyssey.” The people involved wanted an image that everyone can remember, but instead, they created an image that rots in my mind.

Now you are probably asking why I brought those films up in a review for “Freaky Farley.” Unlike Fogler and Kubrick, director/writer Charlie Roxburgh and writer/producer/actor Matt Farley don’t care about what their film looks like. All that they care about is treating their film the same way “classics” like “Silent Night Deadly Night 2,” “Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake,” and “Slumber Party Massacre 3.” Now that I know what inspired this abomination, I know now to stay away from those three films in the future.

The worst part about “Freaky Farley” is that it sounds pretty damn good while you read a plot synopsis. Farley Wilder (Matt Farley) is, according to a woman played by Sharon Scalzo, the third most famous person in all of Morgantown. He’s behind the old hobo and the town ninja. I’m guessing that the fourth most famous person would be his father (Kevin McGee). His father talks over the radio and tells people how to live their lives. Not only is his advice complete bullshit, but he has a strong hate against women who like to be adventurous.

At night time, Farley plays Peeping Tom with young women, which gives him the nickname appropriately titled Freaky Farley. One of these days, he meets that woman and they start to get along with each other. They go on adventures that consist of pissing off the town hobo and the ninja. Farley finally finds out about a family cabin, and sneaks into it. He then goes on a murderous rampage, killing everyone he sees. In the woods where his cabin is, he finds out what lurks around those areas, and just what killed his mother…

Hobbits… little FUCKING hobbits…

You’re probably saying how awesome this sounds, but I’m going to tell you right now that the awesome premise is the most that you will get from the independent film. According to the little sheets of paper that they sent me, they bought a super-16mm movie camera that was made in the early 70s… which would explain the shitty audio track. I had to turn up my surround sound to “12” (which is a pretty high volume, 2 being the highest it will go to) just to here the characters speak. I forgot about turning it down when I put on “Kill Baby… Kill” three minutes later. You could tell the difference between the two films easily.

Also according to the sheet, they assembled a cast of unpaid and untrained actors. The unpaid part surprises me, but the untrained part doesn’t. These actors and their talents are as seriously as bland as the characters that they play. Matt Farley, who seems to be the most talented out of all of them, doesn’t do much to help. It’s like he’s just reading lines off a teleprompter. But then again, this is kind of what you would expect from a shitty script.

Yeah, I got another thing to dangle onto. The script is horrendous. For the first hour, nothing happens and we’re either watching these Farley and the woman flirt, watching Farley dig a hole of dirt for no apparent reason other than to be punished, or just a bunch of random silence. While Farley is talking to the woman that is interrogating him, there is a bit of dialogue that made me laugh harder than the entire movie of “The Brother’s Solomon”:

“Why don’t we start with the death of your mother...”

“YOU’LL NEVER REPLACE HER!”

I learned three things while watching "Freaky Farley"…

1. I should have listened to Sarah from Fatally-Yours when reviewing this film.

2. I should have never sent the film’s MySpace a friend request.

3. Matt Farley should have never sent me a screener request, thinking that I would have been nicer than Sarah. I’m still laughing that they thought I was a nice guy.

Completely terrible, can’t act for the sweat of the balls hanging on each and every character, and such childish dialogue, “Freaky Farley” is one of those films where the cast members begged for their paycheck the first day (which they never received), which was kind of like how I begged for mercy within the first ten minutes (which I didn't receive). I just got done finishing watching “Freaky Farley” and I’m about to lock it away in a vault that I like to call “trash-can,” just because that’s where it belongs.