"In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale" Review - Written by Spaldy

I have considered it both an amazing feat and a sheer blessing that I have been able to avoid all of Uwe Boll’s “movies.” I use quotation marks because any movie that uses actual video game footage in the guise of filmmaking should be required by law to have quotation marks. Anyway, around this time of year when I am playing catch up on all the best movies of last year, I really need a bit of a break. Sometimes it can be incredibly difficult to write one rave review after another; there are only so many synonyms for “amazing” one can use. In short, I really needed a movie I could rip to shreds. My sarcastic, bitter nature demands it on occasion. The next step was to find an actual theatre playing “In the Name of the King.” The catch all mall AMC came through for me (again) and by the time I arrived there, the line was down to the food court. I quickly bypassed the window for the line less electronic kiosk. This was not only faster, but in all honesty, I was not sure I could bring myself to say to anyone out loud what movie I was there watch.

My mother loves these kinds of medieval-ish action films. We used to watch them together on Saturday mornings, and when I was older, I would watch the previous night’s “Mystery Science Theatre 3000” episode on Saturday morning as well. So it was no surprise that I felt the urge to watch this one first thing Saturday morning. I didn’t have my mother, and I didn’t have anyone to MST the movie with, but I was determined to solider on.

I was prepared to hate this movie. I was prepared to laugh. I was prepared to want to vomit a little. I was not disappointed on any count. Simply put, it was terrible. To no one’s surprise. When I watched the battle sequences with the thousands of Krug monsters marching, I could only ponder if they used that software program Peter Jackson had created for his “Lord of the Rings” trilogy. If so, when watching this Jackson must feel somewhat like Einstein felt when the bomb fell on Hiroshima. Just because you have a hand in creating something that could benefit mankind it does not mean that it isn’t going to be put to diabolical use.

Forgive me for the spoilers I’m about to throw out there, but part of me is optimistic than there is no one out there that would be devastated by my revealing key “story” points to this bleeding fart of a film. We open on Ray Liotta making out with Leelee Sobieski. Ray’s stiff hair moves about as much as Leelee’s facial expressions, so they are pretty evenly matched I guess. Essentially we are supposed to believe that the King’s (Burt Reynolds) sworn nemesis, evil magus Galleon has been sneaking into the castle for trysts with the King’s magus’s (John Rhys Davies) daughter, Lee Lee. Got that? When watching any movie, never trust Liotta. I think here he is stealing her power in order to take down the kingdom, but he doesn’t really seem to need the help, so I don’t know what the hell is with that plot point. Leelee finally gets wise to Sorcerer Vercetti Liotta and throws him out. The King’s nephew Matthew Lillard minces about the castle with a face that looks like a Chihuahua and the body expression of a tweeker. Either Lillard made an extremely odd acting choice here, or something is going horribly wrong in his personal life. Anyway, the nephew is the one that has been getting Liotta into the castle in the hopes that he can help him get rid of the king. As Lillard is the only heir, he would probably have the inside track on taking over the whole kingdom. When watching any movie, never trust Lillard.

On the side of good, the perpetually sullen Farmer (Statham) helps his son load a turnip truck. Seriously. They are quickly joined by a grizzled Ron Perlman who apparently raised the orphaned Farmer. This despite the fact that are probably around the same age. He brings farmer a pig, which spends its screen time trying to run off screen and out of the movie. The pig is clearly the smartest actor in this movie. Farmer’s wife Solana (Forlani) heads out with the son on the turnip truck to make some sales in town, and visit her mother. Forlani, whose face still manages to look like a live action blow up doll, makes with the exposition. The only interesting nugget is the reason why her husband is called Farmer by everyone, including her. He likes it because he prefers people to be called what they are. By this logic he should have named his child “accident” and should call his wife “dick warmer.” His logic, not mine. So his family heads to town while he stays home to pull turnips. This exciting work is soon interrupted by a group of Krug soldiers. Krugs are mindless troll like animals. They look kind of like the Uruks of “Lord of the Rings” only the Krugs carry giant pieces of bark as their shields. The Krug also can not think for themselves and must be conducted like an orchestra by Liotta. Liotta does this dressed like Liberace in a room reminiscent of “Xanadu.” I seriously could not imagine Liotta was NOT wearing roller skates in those scenes. If he had broken out into a chorus of “Magic,” I may have liked the movie a lot better.

So the Krug come and kill most of the village, including Farmer’s little son. The Krug also manage to abscond with Solana. Thirsty for vengeance and hopeful to retrieve his wife, Farmer sets out with Perlman and his brother in law at his side. They cut through a hostile forest to encounter a group of tree dwelling women who spin and bounce around through the air on vines. This Cirque de Cervix as it were, shuttles the men out of the forest and warns them never to return. As you can imagine, they will later come back into play. It just kind of goes on from there. The story seems to have lifted its storyline from Tolkien, Ursula LeGuin, and Frank L. Baum. And yet the story is unpleasant and almost non-existent.

The movie is rich with irrelevant and pointless scenes that have no bearing on what is going on and even stranger, has no connection to any future point of the story. They do not even qualify as red herrings. They are just there, sucking. Boll takes actual breaks during action sequences for brief conversation sequences. And the conversations have no point. Perlman’s character at one point commits a heroic act that is essentially pointless and has no meaning. Then why have that in there? The movie is filled with bizarre choices and makes the viewer constantly ask questions. Why is there dramatic, frenetic music playing while Farmer is burying his son? Am I supposed to feel tense? Do we need an extended montage of walking? Or if we do, can it at least not be the same section of forest after each new cut? I do not feel like they are moving forward as much as they are groundhog daying it up in the old growth. Why did Liotta conjure up a lightening storm to rain down on the battle yet he did not bother to strike any of the good guys with lightening when every single one of them was covered with metal armor? Some evil genius he is. Also why are there 10 ninjas fighting? And why is there only like 5 women in the Cirque de Cervix clan fighting? And what was with the C.H.U.D. fighters? At times the battle sequences in this movie were looking more like a Netflix ad than a cohesive, planned action sequence.

The most annoying and frustrating thing about this movie though has to be that I could not shake the feeling that this was some community theatre acting class. Day one. The dialogue was so bad, I almost hoped that it was improv’d. Could any writer be proud that he had written this? And if so, don’t let that man near Michael Bay. Combining the two could unleash hell on Earth. But seriously, did someone pay that guy for this script? If so, I want to get in touch with that guy and punch him in his gigantic balls.

This movie should not be attempted in the theatre. If you must, and I know some of you are thinking you must, then please wait for DVD. Gather up your friends and get a little liquor in you and then pop it in and MST it up. Trust me; that is the only way it will be palatable. As it is now, it is bad enough to hurt but not bad enough to laugh at it without some aid.