"Meet the Spartans" Review - Written by TonyD

“Meet the Spartans”
2008
BOMB out of ****
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Cast: Sean McGuire, Carmen Electra, Ken Davitian


“Well, do you know what you want to eat?”
“A happy meal.”
“Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.”
“Then I hate the Chinese.”


Remember “United 93,” one of the movies taking place on the disgusting day of 9/11? We sat there watching it and tears flown from our eyes. Why am I bringing it up?

Because “United 93” was funnier than “Meet the Spartans” was.

Everyone obviously knows about the shit that goes on in a spoof film nowadays. Remember the good spoof films from back in the 70s and 80s. Zucker, Brooks, and Abrahams ruled the streets back in those days. There were so much humor back then that we can all relate to it. It wasn’t too pop culture-y and we all laughed. The parodies were humorous and made sense. It seems like ever since “Naked Gun 33 1/3,” the parodies didn’t make much sense. Leslie Nielsen starred in a shitty Dracula parody and we even saw a down-syndrome version of “Scream 2” that involved the Waynes kids. But the worst one that has come to recent memory is “Epic Movie.”

If you haven’t heard of “Epic Movie,” consider yourself lucky. It’s not every day that you can smile and say that the good lord didn’t gyp you. But for those who have heard of it and for the few who have seen it, you’re probably still having nightmares. Preceding “Epic Movie” was “Date Movie,” and sure, it blew chunks, but I forget it and so should you. “Epic Movie” was the worst spoof movie to come out of cinema since “Spy Hard,” and surprisingly, that starred Nielsen too…

But “Epic Movie” made money. I’ve learned ways to sell your product, and that is to have Carmen Electra turn blue, come up with the worst “Borat” impersonation ever, and contain a “twist” ending that you and the audience never saw coming. Unfortunately, if you did, you weren’t surprised, but that might have been the only thing that surprised me from such of a shitty film. And because it made money, they designed another movie, starring an unknown shitty artist (no really, listen to his stuff – it BLOWS), Carmen Electra, and the fat guy from “Borat.”

Most people who saw the trailer for the movie probably said “Oh, TonyD will hate this.” And… yeah… I said that too. Just not for the same reasons as everyone else. Sure, it looked unfunny, stupid, and homoerotic, but it was the farthest thing from what I was thinking of. I’m sure that not many of you guys are actually surprised, but I am also addicted to another thing that isn’t celluloid and porn, and it’s “MADtv.” Say what you want about it, but I really cannot get enough of the show. Unlike “Saturday Night Live,” which everyone likes besides me (and that is including its “so called” great-years), “MADtv” has the gonads and strife to make fun of pop culture events, and actually do it in a moreso hilarious way. Characters like Stewart (Michael McDonald) and impersonations like Connie Chung (Bobby Lee) are the reasons why I sleep at night.

You’re probably asking why am I bringing up “MADtv,” a great and hilarious sketch show, into a review for “Meet the Spartans,” a film that is the next best thing to a root canal and making love to your grandmom, but I can tell you that you can find “Meet the Spartans” on TV for free every day on Comedy Central, and you don’t even have to pay for it, and plus, the televised version is much more funnier! “Meet the Spartans” stars “MADtv” players Crista Flanagan, Nicole Parker, and my personal favorite Ike Barinholtz. Maybe those bastards striking can realize that this is the LAST resort when it comes to writers not being able to write some fine television moments. Christ, I didn’t even pay for the film… and I’m STILL asking for my money back (though I got it for a complete opposite reason).

If you know the plot of “300,” you don’t need to know the plot of “Meet the Spartans.” All the film is is a rip-off of the brilliant film. It adds in pop-culture such as Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, “American Idol,” “America’s Next Top Model,” Chris Crocker (who can go fuck himself), Gatorade, Sanjaya, and break-dancing. It’s offensive to all homosexual, women, and black people. I’m neither of the three, and I still was offended. All they needed was Alyson Hannigan playing an orphan and I would have walked next door to “Cloverfield,” but even she knew better than going into that shit.

And you know what? “Meet the Spartans” could be much funnier if it actually created jokes instead of re-enacting the same shit that computer geeks and teenagers already SAW on the computer. “Meet the Spartans” has a formula that goes from fart, dick, boob, black, and gay jokes. After the gay jokes end, fart jokes begin and we keep following that formula. Then we meet the characters and we’re already tired of them. I couldn’t even mutter those three words from “300,” that I screamed for the entire first month of release. Although, I’m really NOT surprised, since these bastards can’t even say ‘Sparta’ without showing off an English accent.

I could have even respected it much, much more if it actually made fun of events that we would remember for years to come, but who will remember Chris Crocker in five years? And who will even consider buying a Britney Spears CD in two years? It only makes “Meet the Spartans” look like an even bigger ass, since the film will be forgotten in two months. Hard-earned money goes into shit like this, and I pay two dollars for a cheeseburger at McDonalds. Something’s just NOT right.

I could go on and on about “Meet the Spartans,” but quite frankly, it’s not a conversation I like talking about. No doubt that it is terrible, but I’ve seen far worst. And what about that, January’s almost over, and I got a contender for best film of the year (“Cloverfield”) and worst film of the year. Psshaw, and people say January is SUCH a bad month.

And for all of those teenagers that I heard coming out of the movie saying “Best.Movie.Ever”…

Go.Fuck.Yourself.