Oscar Cleanup: ONCE review by Dr. Royce Clemens

ONCE
** out of 4
Rated R
Directed by John Carney

ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE: Best Original Song-"Falling Slowly," music and lyrics by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

This is the little Irish musical that could, endlessly word-of-mouthed by people who get a nice rosy feeling championing out of the way pictures. It’s that feeling of discovering something, so you can sit back later with a smug look on your face when you tell two friends… And THEY tell two friends…

Sometimes that’s put to good use, with great pictures like MEMENTO and BRICK. But sometimes, it’s mediocrity incarnate, like MY BIG FAT GREEK WEDDING. And, yes, ONCE. It reminds me of those folks in Florida who refuse to give up their shitty swamp land in spite of gators and hurricanes. “Yeah it’s cramped and it smells awful, BUT IT’S MINE, GODDAMMIT!”

And the homegrown hype-machine was pulled out non-stop for this one, with people saying that it had to be seen to be believed. Their claims of being moved and touched were almost as enthusiastic as the dude writhing in tongues at a Pentecostal Church. Folks, I’m not Gibralter. I can be moved.

But it’s gonna take more than eighty-five minutes of melodically challenged, sub-Damian Rice horseshit to do it. Austere acoustic guitars and nautical metaphors-o’-plenty actually cause me physical pain. It’s my Holy Water and Garlic. WHERE is John Blutarsky when you REALLY NEED HIM?

ONCE chronicles the life and times of Shaggy James Blunt (Glen Hansard). He’s a Hoover repairman who lives with his dad in Dublin and spends his spare time writing songs and performing on street corners for change. One night, while he’s getting his testicle-free soft-rock on, he encounters Czech-Out Girl (Marketa Irglova), who appreciates his playing in one of the more awkward meet-cutes in recent memory. What are the odds of her having a broken vacuum sitting at home?

She takes a liking to his music and he finds that she can play a mean piano. They get a wild hair up their asses to record a demo and Shaggy James will move to London with it, hoping to get noticed. They’re attracted to one another and due to extenuating circumstances, neither of them can act on it.

If you have wondered why I haven’t mentioned the characters’ names, my reasoning is simple: they don’t have them. In the winning touchdown pass of Pretentious Bowl ’07, writer-director James Carney opted to name them “Guy” and “Girl.”

Jesus…

ONCE is sixty percent music, so it is my understanding that beneath its quaint “from-the-heart” exterior lies a savage greed. The entire movie acts as an infomercial for its weak and willowy soundtrack, being that we have to listen to every last note of every damn song.. Leading man Glen Hansard IS the lead singer of The Frames, after all. They are not a band I’ve heard of, but judging from the work here, I won’t even give them the benefit of an illegal download. None of this feels right to me. By having the music be ambient, it looks as if ONCE is trying to escape the “musical curse.” Some folks won’t go to a musical with out a fight first. So THIS one should be okay, right? And not only do I think that the songs are bad, but there aren’t even enough bad songs to go around. Shaggy James Blunt and his impromptu band record a track in a studio, then, not FIVE MINUTES LATER, we get a full reprise.

But forget about Hansard. He’s an evil, evil man who wants to touch your pee-pee. If there is any great value I can salvage from ONCE for my own personal use, it is Market Irglova. She sings a couple of songs, and I must admit that I like her voice. The one scene that truly came alive for me in ONCE involved only her. She was listening to an instrumental track to one of Shaggy James Blunt’s songs that he didn’t have lyrics for yet. She offers to take a crack at it. She’s listening and taking notes late at night when the batteries on the portable CD player go out. She ventures into the night, still clad in her PJs to the local gas station to get some more.

On the way back, she breaks into a very tender and moving song dealing with petulance in the face of regret. Her Czech accent shines through, so it’s like she’s trying to broach communication over an ocean of obstacles, maneuvering machinations of love and heart around shaky foreign territory. Even more so, it fully realizes what an obsessive act any creative endeavor is. Creation is no respecter of decorum or sleep. I can’t do justice to the scene with my words. The problem is, neither can the rest of the movie.

It’s about as well made and well acted as a movie shot for a half-eaten roll of Certs in seventeen days possibly can be. I bear no ill will towards anyone involved. I just bear ill will towards the soundtrack which, were it to somehow miraculously wind up in my hands, would go into the microwave for five seconds, so it would hurt no one else. Hey, I’m a critic because I care.

But if you like your lyrics trite and your composition soulless, ONCE is the movie for you. As far as that kinda thing goes, it ain’t bad. Have at her.

But if I’m ever riding in a car with you? We’re listening to Modest Mouse. This I shall not budge on.