Starring: Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Billy Nighy, Geoffrey Rush
Directed by: Gore Verbinski
Written by: Ted Eliott, Terry Rossio
Movie: 2
Film: 2
The title is pretty accurate. This movie seems to last just that long. The third part in the series, this movie begins where we left off in the swamp. They set off to rescue Jack from Davy Jones’ locker for each of their own reasons. Meanwhile Jack spends the summer in overacting camp, perfecting his drama class monologue wherein he impersonates someone with schizophrenia. Pottery class would have been so much easier for me to sit through, Jack.
The strength (if you can call it that) of the first two movies is the light heartedness and off kilter sense of humor as well as the beautifully choreographed fight sequences. They never took themselves too seriously. Here, something has changed. Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. They have introduced a sense of importance. It is as if they were trying to make a “good” movie rather than a “fun” one. One needs look no further than the injection of multiple inspirational speeches. God I hate those. Is there anything to take you out of your suspension of disbelief faster than someone who commands attention as the music swells, pumps their arm in the air, raises their voice and urges everyone to fight? This rarely works. And “Pirates” is no “Henry V.” From a movie like “Pirates” I don’t want to hear anything approaching “once more into the breach!” unless it is a play on words to make a joke about the britches of a pirate prostitute. Gravitas has no place in movies like this. Lighten up.
The other issue I had with this movie was how painful it was. Yes, I mean that literally. I had to go to the bathroom so badly but I waited because it felt like it was almost over. Repeatedly. By the time it finally finished for real, I could barely walk to the bathroom. Granted they didn’t make me stay, but all the false endings certainly share in some of the blame. The multiple endings were kind of annoying but in my condition, I went to a new level of being cheesed off. I had to bite my lip to prevent a turrets like tirade of “shut the fuck up barracuda face” to Elizabeth Swan from spewing forth from my mouth. All the discomfort did give me an idea though. Does physical discomfort give you a more accurate reaction to a film than idle comfort would? Does it make the plot holes and poor dialogue more obvious and memorable in one’s mind or does it make a passable movie almost unbearable? I don’t know. But I do know I was pretty damn happy to walk out of that theatre. Even if it was like an 80 year old woman.
What did I like? Billy Nighy is still the star of the show with his spot on delivery and sexy Scottish villainy. Anyone who can make a face covered in tentacles more watchable than half the pretty faces around them is a hell of an actor. I also liked a lot of the action sequences. I did not find them quite a pleasing as some of the sequences in the second film, but a few were pretty fun. Most seemed overdone with CGI, which is a shame. Some of the best stuff was just swordplay and cheeky humor.
What didn’t I like? I still don’t care for the whole Elizabeth and Will love. Keira Knightly looked like she resented being in the movie for most of the time, and Orlando Bloom was his usual bland self. I find it hard to believe anyone was willing to follow them to the dinner table much less the ends of the Earth. Jack Sparrow is also starting to wear on the nerves, but I still like the way Johnny Depp commits to a character. As for the plot, it is a wet, hot, scurvy mess. The whole goddess plot seems like they pulled it out of the ass cheeks of the guy standing in left field. It doesn’t really jive with the rest of the series. The plot seems poorly thought out and executed as well. Why does Davy Jones have difficulty taking back his heart? I half expected him to submit to swirlies on the East Indian Company’s command. How could someone so fierce become so pitiable in such a short amount of time? It was a waste of Nighy’s talent and a waste of time.
Overall, I can’t in good conscious recommend the movie to anyone. Maybe you could waste the day watching it on cable (with commercial breaks it would be 4 and a half hours, so wasting the day wouldn’t really be much of an exaggeration). However, I think the only real reason to watch this is to feed your OCD and complete the trilogy. Some of the effects make it worth the effort, but mostly watching the movie is effort enough.
The strength (if you can call it that) of the first two movies is the light heartedness and off kilter sense of humor as well as the beautifully choreographed fight sequences. They never took themselves too seriously. Here, something has changed. Something has gone horribly, horribly wrong. They have introduced a sense of importance. It is as if they were trying to make a “good” movie rather than a “fun” one. One needs look no further than the injection of multiple inspirational speeches. God I hate those. Is there anything to take you out of your suspension of disbelief faster than someone who commands attention as the music swells, pumps their arm in the air, raises their voice and urges everyone to fight? This rarely works. And “Pirates” is no “Henry V.” From a movie like “Pirates” I don’t want to hear anything approaching “once more into the breach!” unless it is a play on words to make a joke about the britches of a pirate prostitute. Gravitas has no place in movies like this. Lighten up.
The other issue I had with this movie was how painful it was. Yes, I mean that literally. I had to go to the bathroom so badly but I waited because it felt like it was almost over. Repeatedly. By the time it finally finished for real, I could barely walk to the bathroom. Granted they didn’t make me stay, but all the false endings certainly share in some of the blame. The multiple endings were kind of annoying but in my condition, I went to a new level of being cheesed off. I had to bite my lip to prevent a turrets like tirade of “shut the fuck up barracuda face” to Elizabeth Swan from spewing forth from my mouth. All the discomfort did give me an idea though. Does physical discomfort give you a more accurate reaction to a film than idle comfort would? Does it make the plot holes and poor dialogue more obvious and memorable in one’s mind or does it make a passable movie almost unbearable? I don’t know. But I do know I was pretty damn happy to walk out of that theatre. Even if it was like an 80 year old woman.
What did I like? Billy Nighy is still the star of the show with his spot on delivery and sexy Scottish villainy. Anyone who can make a face covered in tentacles more watchable than half the pretty faces around them is a hell of an actor. I also liked a lot of the action sequences. I did not find them quite a pleasing as some of the sequences in the second film, but a few were pretty fun. Most seemed overdone with CGI, which is a shame. Some of the best stuff was just swordplay and cheeky humor.
What didn’t I like? I still don’t care for the whole Elizabeth and Will love. Keira Knightly looked like she resented being in the movie for most of the time, and Orlando Bloom was his usual bland self. I find it hard to believe anyone was willing to follow them to the dinner table much less the ends of the Earth. Jack Sparrow is also starting to wear on the nerves, but I still like the way Johnny Depp commits to a character. As for the plot, it is a wet, hot, scurvy mess. The whole goddess plot seems like they pulled it out of the ass cheeks of the guy standing in left field. It doesn’t really jive with the rest of the series. The plot seems poorly thought out and executed as well. Why does Davy Jones have difficulty taking back his heart? I half expected him to submit to swirlies on the East Indian Company’s command. How could someone so fierce become so pitiable in such a short amount of time? It was a waste of Nighy’s talent and a waste of time.
Overall, I can’t in good conscious recommend the movie to anyone. Maybe you could waste the day watching it on cable (with commercial breaks it would be 4 and a half hours, so wasting the day wouldn’t really be much of an exaggeration). However, I think the only real reason to watch this is to feed your OCD and complete the trilogy. Some of the effects make it worth the effort, but mostly watching the movie is effort enough.
I don't really have much of a recollection of this film. I liked the last hour a lot, but I never got too hooked on these films.
Great review.
This was a big dissapointment. The last half of it was awesome, but the first two parts of it introduced characters whose name I could not remember (or care to) when I left the theater.