"Pocahauntus" Review - Written by TonyD

“Pocahauntus”
2008
** out of ****
Director: Veronica Craven
Cast: Lisa Allen, Chris Angelo, Molly Celaschi


I watched “Pocohauntus” once. I hated it, but had no idea why. I watched “Pocahauntus” once more, and didn’t feel anything else. I’ve been meaning to write a review for “Pocahauntus” for the past two weeks, but I didn’t know what to say about it. And I think I finally found my answer. I had an addiction for the past two weeks…

Tetris. Fucking Tetris.

Sorry everyone, but I can’t come up with an explanation why I didn’t like “Pocahauntus.” It’s boring, not scary, and I never saw a movie where the characters were as horny as I was while watching it. It received interest, oh yeah it did, but it received as much interest as that Olive Garden commercial, and I despise the Olive Garden. If every movie had so much nudity, sex, and sexual humor in it, I wouldn’t have to result to films like “Superbad” and “American Pie” (although, there is only one pair of tits in the movie, and they ain’t the tits of a hot woman, I can tell you that much…).

Well, I might as well begin with the plot. The curse of Pocahontas (Stephanie Basco) comes back every one-hundred years. A group of AMAZING characters that have the last names of genitalia spelled backwards, including gynecologists, lesbians, porn stars, deputies, surfers, angry girlfriends, and drunks stay overnight in a cabin in the woods. This night… that they’re in the woods… is the anniversary of Pocahontas’s death. She arrives from the grave, feasting on these people… AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW? All of these people staying at the cabin have relatives from the past that killed Pocahontas. Something called fate comes to mind…

After watching this movie twice, I’m still kind of confused as to what this movie is supposed to be. Is it supposed to be a horror film or a comedy? The humor comes fast and furious, but none of the jokes really made me laugh. The film has some “horrific” moments, but they’re boring and never really scare the viewer. Hell, I think I was laughing through the horror moments and scared of the actual jokes. They’re almost as dangerous as the villain herself.

But I think “Pocahauntus” has a lot going for it as far as quality goes. By the title, you really shouldn’t be expecting much. It’s kind of like expecting a film like “Meet the Spartans” supposed to be funnier than “Epic Movie.” “Pocahauntus” knows that it is a bad movie, and intends to be, unlike another film that was inspired by “Silent Night Deadly Night 2” and thought it was a quality flick. I’m not really surprised that I didn’t like it, but I’m surprised that it didn’t please me the least bit.

I’m giving it two stars not as an act of kindness, but I think that if anyone goes into a movie like “Pocahauntus” seriously, you’re missing out on a fun thing. Though my grumpy ass didn’t like it, it doesn’t mean that you won’t like it. The review here is so short because I really don’t know what to say about the film. I would definitely look into the film though, if you really want to try something new.

Now if you excuse me, I’ll be playing some Tetris until Friday when a copy of “Across the Universe” falls into my hands…