UFC: "Ichi the Killer" - Just Torture To Witness

“Ichi the Killer”
Directed by Takashi Miike


The story of Takashi Miike is not a happy one. In fact, it’s much wilder than one can possibly imagine. You know the world of Japan that we see everyday, on shows like “Ninja Warrior,” “Channel 6 News,” and “Jackass?” Well, us bastards in the United States has no idea. In the REAL Japan, there are people with shoes that have blades on them, the Yakuza run ramped and carry guns without firing them, and people have these really weird masochistic sexual fantasies… oh, and people stick pins in their ears.

I was introduced to the world of Takashi Miike after watching “Audition” for the first time last year. Many have said that it is the most disturbing movie in the world of the Japanese, but I think I can still give that award to Miike’s “Master of Horror: Imprint” episode. Aside from “Audition,” many of Miike’s fans consider that his film, “Ichi the Killer,” is his masterpiece. They also claim that this Miike is the better Miike, compared to his children films like “The Great Yokai War.” (Why in the fucking fucks fuck do people actually hate that movie?)

Now I’m not the biggest Miike fan, but I have enough movie intelligence in my body to know whether or not if his films are quality. Aside from “Audition,” my favorite film of his is “Izo,” one that is more artsy than his other films are. I haven’t seen much other those five films that I listed before, but I do have “Visitor Q,” “Gozu,” the “Dead or Alive” films, and “Bodyguard Kiba” on my Netflix queue. I can’t tell you how disturbing these films are without seeing them, but I can tell you how disturbing “Ichi the Killer” is after watching it for the second time in two years…

Okay, so picture yourself sitting in a barber’s chair. You are about to get your haircut for your date with your girlfriend, and you’re about to propose to her later that night. The barber comes up to you, begins to give you a quick trim, and takes out his little blade and purposely cuts off your ear. You begin crying and blood is dripping down your body. Then you freeze and you realize that what you just seen was a hallucination. Then you go on about your day like you should.

THAT is what “Ichi the Killer” was to me.

“Ichi the Killer” is the single most overrated film that I have encountered in my travels. Not only is it the most boring of the two (three if you REALLY just HAVE to call both “Funny Games” film as two separate films), but it is the most tiring, the most confusing, and the most whiny film that I have ever seen. It reeks of misogyny and useless torture. But most of all, “Ichi the Killer” can’t play nice in order to be appreciated. It is only remembered for its useless torture. Everything else is forgotten about.

Kakihara (Tadanobu Asano) is a sadomasochistic (look it up if you don’t know what it means) Yakuza. After his boss is murdered, a group of men break into his room and still three-hundred million yen. After investigating a little bit, he finds a rival Yakuza member and tortures him… but when he finds out that he got the wrong guy, he apologizes. By saying sorry, he cuts off some of his tounge…

Okay, I don’t know what freaky shit you Japanese guys do over there, but in the United States, it just doesn’t work like THAT. When I accused someone of stealing one of my markers back in grade school, my teacher made me give the kid a cookie. It meant that I was sorry and I wanted to make it up. So why couldn’t this Kakihara guy just give the other Yakuza a goddamn cookie?

Anyways…

The actual guy who tipped Kakihara off was a retired cop by the name Jiji. (Shinya Tsukamoto) It turns out that Jiji actually has been controlling these events by using a mysterious man by the name of Ichi. (Nao Omari) Ichi is a deeply confused and cowardly man who keeps flashing back to a moment in his time where he is watching a woman get raped. By allowing Ichi to go after these Yakuza men, it allows the streets to be safer. It is Ichi that killed Kakihara’s boss, so when Kakihara finds this out, he decides that Ichi better say his prayers soon.

All I have to say about this plot is that it is as complicated as a plot can get. There are elements used in the film that you will have to watch time and time after again just to figure out that they aren’t really important to the actual story. For those who don’t know what a subplot is, it is a little literary element that doesn’t get mixed up into the actual plot. Many films have mixed both a plot and it’s subplot in quite wisely. Within the last few years, “V For Vendetta” and “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang” used subplots quite well.

It’s a shame that I will have to say that “Ichi the Killer” doesn’t really add onto that list. Whenever the subplot mixes in with the actual plot, the audience will finally pick everything up after the fifth or sixth watch. The subplot in “Ichi the Killer” is mixed into the plot. Jiji is realizing that Ichi doesn’t want to do what he does anymore, and he sets Ichi up with Kakihara’s lady friend. (Alien Sun) The worst part is that what Ichi does in the end later affects the main plot, which gets the entire film jumbled up into a big mess.

I’ll admit, the first time that I watched “Ichi the Killer,” which was in the summer of last year, I enjoyed it. It was nowhere near my favorite film of Miike’s, but I was at awe with the torture sequences. For those of you who haven’t seen “Ichi the Killer,” I’ll keep the torture sequences secret, since they are the best part of the film.

But there is a fine line between USEFUL violence and USELESS violence, and the fact that I won’t keep secret is that the scenes are as useless as useless can get. I know Miike loves to torture his audience by torturing his characters. Hell, many will claim that it is why everyone loves “Audition.” With the exception of one torture scene, all of the other ones could have been easily cut out from this film. Sure, they’re fun to watch, but so is the entire film of “Saw.” Or what about “Funny Games”…

The only person that I really can’t put any blame on is Tadanobu Asano. Given his script, he puts on one of the most daring and frightening performances seen in any film. No matter how many times you watch “Ichi the Killer” you can never get over the fact how complicated and complex his character is. On one hand, Kakihara wants to get Ichi back for killing his boss, but then you have the fact that he wants to feel that affect of death himself. He is caught between these two dilemmas and can’t figure out which one he wants more. For the rest of the actors, though, can’t get a break, especially Nao Omari. His character of Ichi is such a fucking nuisance that you’re just WAITING for Kakihara to kill him.

After watching “Ichi the Killer,” I have come to the conclusion that Miike is not an auteur, but rather a pervert. There are a few scenes in “Ichi” where there are kinky uses of sexual fantasies. Some of these are rather graphic thoughts and the rest are actual graphic acts of sex. But think what kind of a man would THINK of something like this… would it be an auteur, a pervert, or just a sick freak?

THINK about what that says about YOU.


Next week on UFC: Being a kid sucks, but nothing sucks more than not being liked. I take a look at Todd Solondz’s cult-classic “Welcome to the Dollhouse,” starring a rather young Christina Vidal and *YUCK* Heather Matarazzo.