"The Onion Movie" Review - Written by TonyD

“The Onion Movie”
2008
***½ out of ****
Director: Tom Kuntz, Mike Maguire
Cast: Len Cariou, Steven Seagal, Sarah McElligott


There are two kinds of news that I make sure that I check everyday – one is movie news, and the other is The Onion/AV Club.

For those of you who have been living in a cave with terrorists, The Onion is a newspaper that spoofs media events. Famous for those articles such as “Drugs Win Drug War,” they have always made the news “fun.” Never did they fail to make me laugh within each article I’ve read. The AV Club doesn’t spoof the news or the media, but instead, it uses comedy while talking about cinema, music, and literature.

For about five years, I’ve been looking forward to “The Onion Movie.” It was originally set to be released back in 2004 or 2005 (I can’t remember), but the project has been in development hell since then. Finally dumped on DVD (to be released June 3), I caught an exclusive look of the film (yeah, bootleg nonetheless, but a damn fine bootleg). Is the five year wait worth it? Oh fuck yeah. It’s so arbitrary that it is so hard not to recommend it. Plus, it is David Zucker’s finest movie since “The Naked Gun 33 1/3” (he acts as the producer).

“The Onion Movie” doesn’t have a specific plot until an hour through the eighty minute movie, but in order to bring all of the characters together, newscaster Norm Archer (Len Cariou) reports on the news. Some of the news that he reports on is a Britney Spears-like celebrity (hilariously played by Sarah McElligott) who displays sexual innuendos in her songs directed to teenagers, war conflicts, hippies, fantasy geeks, and prisoners now living with suburban families due to prisons overcrowding. One in particular that I couldn’t stop laughing at is old people with Alzheimer’s protesting pancakes.

In between sketches, we’re shown commercials for people going out to buy computers (a great reference to Microsoft and Apple), roasts that are very similar to Comedy Central’s programming, Steven Seagal as “Cock Puncher” (no lie), and who to call when you get your penis stuck in a library drop-box. About every third of the film, different movie critics begin talking about the film. Some of the critics are different races, and they demand that they see a normal black and Chinese guy. No one is safe in this movie.

Not even film critics. Honest to blog.

No one will understand why this movie was made. It would have made more sense if it was shot for a TV movie, but I think it is still great on DVD. It’s a damn shame when “The Onion Movie,” sent to direct-to-DVD, is better than most of the shit that is out in cinemas right now. It is hilarious and random, but to explain why would be a waste of time. That is why I’m going to say that you shouldn’t see it unless if you read The Onion, because only if you read The Onion, you are the only ones that will understand The Onion.

But for those of you who don’t understand The Onion, there must be a reason as to why you don’t. Is it because you never read The Onion, or is it because you just don’t care about it? The Onion’s tagline is “The World’s Finest News Source.” What these guys do is actually portray the “news” in a way so that it is entertaining and still objective at the same time. These guys even manage to portray how negative the news usually is. By using comedy, a news source like The Onion draws in a bigger audience, even if the news is usually fictional.

And they all know what their audience wants. In the film, The Onion is a television show that EVERYONE watches. They watch it because they know that they can get entertained. The Onion’s partner company advertises “Cock Puncher” during every commercial break so you can see a kickass flick. They never have any of those stupid fucking ads at the bottom of the screen (until this film takes place). They know that you would get just annoyed by it.

The only problem that I had was the clichéd ending, but it is your usual happy ending (which goes with my theory on The Onion). Anyway, if you love The Onion, you will love “The Onion Movie.” I know I loved it.

Now I’m in the mood for some chocolate chip cookies and Hawaiian Punch…