UFC: "The Hottie and The Nottie" - This is worse than waterboarding...

“The Hottie and the Nottie”
Directed by Tom Putnam


PREFACE: I was never able to pick up a copy of “Oldboy” this week, so that review will be pushed back for a while until I can get my hands on one. But for now, here is a UFC for a different movie…


“The Hottie and the Nottie.” Ever hear of it before? No? Well, actually, it came out in theaters, and about a hundred of them. It somehow amazed me that this film was not only playing at one theater near me in the slumps of South Jersey, but played at THREE of them. So if it is released in a hundred theaters and somehow appears in South Jersey three times, it must have been a shitty movie, correct?

The cast of “The Hottie and the Nottie” is the following: Christine Lakin, Adam Kulbersh, Johann Urb, The Greg Wilson (no, that’s his real stage name), Joel David Moore, and Paris Hilton. I understand if you don’t know the names of any of them but the last one, but that name alone is a reason to stay away from “The Hottie and the Nottie.”

But I didn’t. I’m not one of the very few people who went to go see this in the movies (according to the Houston Chronicle, an average of twenty-eight people went to go see this movie opening weekend per theater) but I am one of the few people that dished out an hour and a half of their time to take the time and watch the movie. I wasn’t going to call it shitty without actually watching the movie now, and who knows? Maybe I might like it. Maybe hell might freeze over and maybe I might name “The Hottie and the Nottie” my favorite movie of 2008. Maybe hell might freeze over double and maybe I might name it my favorite movie of all time.

Yeah, no way in hell that was going to happen.

If you don’t already know the story of “The Hottie and the Nottie” by now just by reading the title, you really are as stupid as you look. But if you are, then I shall tell it to you… not because you are stupid, because you just have to tell the plot of a film before you review it. Don’t you know the film critic’s rule book by now?

For years, Nate Cooper (Joel David Moore, who starred in last year’s “Hatchet” and this year’s very terrible “Spiral”) has had bad luck with every single thing in his life, but nothing can be as bad as his luck with women. It is not because he is bad with them, but because they just aren’t the love of his life. Ever since the first grade, the only girl he has ever loved was Cristabelle Abbott. (Paris Hilton) After he finally gets tired of being single all of his life and hoping to find her, he seeks her to be his one and only love.

Unfortunately, there is a catch. Cristabelle has an ugly and hideous roommate, who was her same ugly and hideous friend from the first grade. June Phigg (Christine Lakin) is a toe-infected, mole-faced, heavy-drinking woman who also just wants one thing in life – a man that will take care of her and love her for the rest of her life. Cristabelle knows this and for that she gives up dating any man until June finds herself a man in her life.

So you know what this means, right? So I don’t have to say it? This movie is just as much, if not more, misogynistic than last year’s “Good Luck Chuck.” Here is a girl who just wants the best for her friend, and here comes a guy that is willing to find her a man just so he can get some alone time with the girl that he likes, not even caring whether or not that this girl will like the man that he sets her up with. He even tries to pay someone to go out with her, and once the toe nail starts flying, you can expect her reaction to it.

But that isn’t even the worst part about Nate. Nate isn’t just all for himself, but he just doesn’t deserve Cristabelle period. Aside from the fact that this Sasquatch-looking motherfucker doesn’t really stand next to her too right, the two are very different from each other. Let’s face it, Paris Hilton, no matter how slutty, is one of the hottest girls to ever live. And Nate, well, he looks like he got off a circus train and is willing to suck dick for some food. It would also be nice if Moore could bring some talent to his role, but I guess that would be asking for just a little bit too much.

As much as you don’t want to, you can’t help but feel sorry for Lakin’s character. Oh, of course, you just want to laugh when you see a bunch of hair fall off of her head, but you feel bad for Lakin herself. A pretty girl like that doesn’t deserve to be in a movie where she is portrayed as an ugly one. Even in some scenes, her make-up looks so fake that you can actually see the pretty in her. Christ, these guys can’t even do UGLY right…

And yeah, you probably don’t believe a single part of this sentence, but Paris Hilton isn’t the worst part of the movie. Hell, I don’t even want to admit this, but she is the BEST part of this movie. I know that you didn’t believe me, but if you have the balls, just watch the film. There is a scene where you can find over twenty things wrong. The scene involves midget mimes, Lakin’s makeup, and a guy who comes out of nowhere fifty minutes into the film. Out of those twenty things, not one of them is Hilton. I’m surprised too, believe me.

“The Hottie and the Nottie” is probably the worst film that will be released this year, but it will be nowhere to be found on my worst films of 2008 post at the end of the year. This is because I’m not going to put any film on my list that you will find on everyone else’s worst of on mine. This will also include “Meet the Spartans,” “Witless Protection,” and “10,000 BC.” But believe it that “The Hottie and the Nottie” is the worst film that I’ve seen this year, and believe it when I say that you don’t need to waste your time and money to find out.

Next time on UFC: In two weeks, I will be watching the Martin Scorsese classic for the first time EVER - "Goodfellas." After that, I will be firing off UFCs at random, with films such as "Halloween," "Lost Highway," and possibly - a match between "Old Boy" and "Kill Bill."