"You Don't Mess With The Zohan" Review - Written by TonyD

“You Don’t Mess With The Zohan”
2008
*** out of ****
Director: Dennis Dugan
Cast: Adam Sandler, John Turturro, Emmanuelle Chriqui


July 20, 2007.

A day that will live in infamy.

That exact day, you would think that it would be the perfect day to go to the movies. It was raining out, and a movie matinee was six bucks. A few friends and I said what the hell and decided to go to the movies. After all, it wasn’t that good of weather to go play baseball, and it wasn’t that hot out to go swimming. So after picking up two boxes of Whoppers, I made my way to go see “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.”

And it sucked.

Oh holy shit it sucked.

The fault could be no one other than the duo of Adam Sandler and Dennis Dugan, an actor and the director of the film. Adam has starred in basically a blockbuster every summer while Dugan directs him almost every summer. You could see that trainwreck coming from a mile away. I didn’t, because my stupid ass didn’t see that this was the same guy that directed “The Benchwarmers” and “National Security” previously.

Lord knows that if I would have let those two near my movie, I would probably gauge their eyeballs out with my fingernail.

But even I went to go see Adam Sandler’s brand new comedy “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan” almost ten months later. Not for Adam Sandler and his phony-bologna Israeli accent, but for the only guy that can possibly change an Adam Sandler movie into a raunchy comedy. When you look up this guy’s name in the dictionary, you don’t see a fucking definition. No sir, you see one name, and a picture right next to it.

Judd Apatow.

It would be a miracle how the hell this guy signed on to help write an Adam Sandler flick. Of course, I find everything that this Sandler guy does as being worthless and unfunny, but could this possibly be the first movie that I might actually enjoy of his? So I walked into “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan” expecting a raunchy comedy, but never did I expect this… oh never did I expect this…

“Directed by Dennis Dugan.”

Did you guys get that?

“Directed by Dennis Dugan.”

Yes, that same Dennis Dugan. The Dugan that brought us “The Waterboy,” “Big Daddy,” “Saving Silverman,” “Problem Child,” and last summer’s “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.” He has came to hell to direct a brand new Adam Sandler film not for the faint of heart. After that name rolled down the beginning credits, I could have swore to you that this new Adam Sandler film would be another work of the devil, and it doesn’t even have Alexander Payne’s name in the writing credits.

But as much as I would like to say, “Oh fuck the people that like this movie. You all suck infected black donkey balls!,” I just can’t. I can’t even believe that I will say that I liked “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan” to an extent. I thought it was funny, of course, and there are definitely problems, of course, but it doesn’t mean that it is the least bit terrible. It is no “Borat,” but let’s all thank the man upstairs (Alfred Hitchcock, of course) that it is NO “Beverly Hills Ninja” (which Dugan also directed).

Zohan (Adam Sandler) is an Israeli counter-terrorist. He can stop bullets with his nose and he can kick people’s asses with both of his legs in mid-air. But there is one problem. He doesn’t want to be this counter-terrorist anymore. Instead of living in Israel and contributing to this pointless violence, he fakes his death against a Palestinian leader that goes by the name The Phantom (John Turturro, in his best role since his character in “The Big Lebowski”) and runs away to New York City. His new dreams are not to stop any war that once came across his people and the enemies, but for one reason only –

To make the silky-smooth.

If you aren’t hip enough, the silky-smooth is to dress up and style hair. The subplot of Adam Sandler’s character doesn’t nearly make a good subplot as it should have but watching Zohan trying to chase his dream is honestly the best part of the new movie. He later becomes under the wing of a super hot Palestinian woman played by Emmanuelle Chriqui. While he tries to put his past behind him and not let his new lover know that he was once an Israeli counter-terrorist (who, by the way, doesn’t support the fighting the least bit), something is up according to a cab-driver. (Rob Schneider)

The script really does have a lot of problems. While the comedy and the laughs are on the money most of the time, “Zohan” doesn’t really impress much in the plot department. To call it retarded would be giving it a compliment, but to call it underdeveloped would be giving it an excuse to be funnier. To explain that, there are three screenwriters to the film – Adam Sandler, Judd Apatow, and Robert Smigel. Adam Sandler wrote many of the films under his Happy Madison company. Judd Apatow… well… what comedy doesn’t he write for? And Robert Smigel has written for “Saturday Night Live” since 1985. I’ll leave it to you who wrote what.

But don’t get me wrong, I laughed… a lot. The beginning was so ridiculous and every time Zohan walked into the back with an old lady, I would shit my pants laughing so hard. His accent was stupid, and even the silly cameos from some comedians including Chris Rock, Mariah Carey, and Ahmed Ahmed (Don’t know him? Watch “Vince Vaughn’s Wild West Comedy Show,” his act is priceless) were enough to keep me laughing throughout the two hours that I was sitting in the chair.

I guess that if you go into “You Don’t Mess With The Zohan” thinking that it will be the new “Borat,” you will be sadly disappointed. It isn’t nearly as raunchy as that film and much more retarded. But you shouldn’t go into it thinking it would be as funny as “Borat.” “Borat” hated you but you loved it for making you look like an asshole. With “Zohan,” there is a reason to like it – he doesn’t make you an asshole, unless if you think that Israelis and Palestinians are the same thing.

All you got to know about “Zohan” is that it is much better than “I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry,” and I guarantee you that you will come out with a good time.