The Shyamalan Experiment: Part 6 - "The Happening"

Part 1: “The Sixth Sense” (1999) ** out of ****
Part 2: “Unbreakable” (2000) **** out of ****
Part 3: “Signs” (2002) ***½ out of ****
Part 4: “The Village” (2004) *½ out of ****
Part 5: “Lady in the Water” (2006) ½ out of ****


The Shyamalan Experiment
Part 6
“The Happening”
June 13, 2008
* out of ****
Director: M. Night Shyamalan
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo


The Shyamalan Experiment just HAD to go out with a bang… or a bad. “The Happening” just very well might be the stupidest movie of the year, and that says a lot, especially when movies starring Paris Hilton, Larry the Cable Guy, and Eva Longoria have been released. This movie already has Razzies lined up for it and it hasn’t even been a month yet. Yesterday, I found a perfect quality bootleg, because there wasn’t no way that I was going to pay for this shit. I’m glad that I didn’t have to, because…

“The Happening” just flat out sucks.

You have to come up with your own adjective for the film because it is so much worse than “worthless.” Not only is the film worthless, but the acting is worthless, the direction is worthless, the script is worthless, and basically, everything else is worthless. I never knew that you could make a good premise such a bad movie, but I’m guessing that M. Night Shyamalan is the first one to do it. Didn’t really surprise me though, especially after “Lady in the Water.”

“The Happening” is about… well… I don’t quite know. People start killing themselves for no apparent reason, and, like most movies, people believe that it is the work of terrorists. Always blaming terrorists, huh? Anyway, people start killing themselves, New York City is evacuated, and kids from Philadelphia are sent home from school. Among the many people sent home is high school science teacher Mr. Elliot Moore. (Mark Wahlberg) His relationship with his wife/fiancée/girlfriend Alma (Zooey Deschanel) is having problems.

Anyway, they go all the way up to a Philadelphia Train Station with fellow teacher Mr. Julian (John Leguizamo) and his daughter. (Ashlyn Sanchez) When the train stops, Mark Wahlberg goes up to them and they ask what’s up. How do they respond?

Train Guy: “We’ve lost contact.”

Mark Wahlberg: “With WHOM?”

Train Guy: “Everyone.”

It’s pretty bad when you can’t even get some good dialogue. With the bit that I posted above, it’s so fucking funny. I fell on the ground laughing my ass off, and if you think I laughed that hard, you should have seen me laughing at that infamous lemon drink line. But you know what it is funnier than the dialogue that you will find yourself never to speak? The deaths that you will never see. My favorite? The one when the guy starts the lawnmower and runs himself over.

But being that as the film is M. Night Shyamalan’s first rated R film, why doesn’t it feature more gore? If you just cut out a tiny little bit of “fucks,” “The Happening” could receive a PG-13. Shyamalan doesn’t go nearly as far as he could go with an R-rated horror flick. And as much as I would have liked it to push the envelope, it doesn’t. It doesn’t push anything. Because the time when “The Happening” could be really suspenseful, it just becomes boring.

Here is something that I just don’t understand though. If these guys are running from wind the entire movie, wouldn’t this wind become faster and faster as much as it blows? Instead, when the wind goes right by them, nothing happens. It is basically a waste of time and plot development. This movie would have been so much better if Shyamalan would have paid more attention to the plot than he did with the locations. It makes me feel like ashamed that this guy is a native Philadelphian, a place that is just right across the bridge from my exit.

Instead of the comedic lines, M. Night Shyamalan would rather have Wahlberg and his friends meet two kids, one of them being little chubby Spencer Breslin. Not against any heavy people, but I kind of find it impossible that this chubby kid can run like Jimmy Rollins without getting tired. He eventually becomes annoying, M. Night Shyamalan eventually becomes annoyed, and kills him with a shotgun. No seriously. I only brought that up because it is the best part of the movie. Now if everyone else dies…

I’ve said it before and I’ve said it again – Zooey Deschanel cannot act her way out of a paper bag. I know that a few will disagree with me, especially Kelsey, but she can’t act worth of jack. Supposedly her character shows no emotion during this movie, but she clearly tries to show emotion. The final outcome is the same thing – no emotion. It’s like she plays the same character in every movie – boring and uneventful. Kind of like… “The Happening.”

And then here is the real problem – Mark Wahlberg. It seems to me that this Shyamalan guy can get some of the best actors to do some of the dumbest things in history. He gets Adrien Brody to play a retard, Paul Giamatti to play a boring hotel owner, and now Mark Wahlberg to play a teacher. Could you see this guy playing a teacher? I couldn’t even see him playing a porn star, but I still did a few days ago and he was brilliant as one. I thought that Mark Wahlberg could play any role. I was wrong. But he probably could have done a good job, if he didn’t sound so faggy and intelligent the entire time.

“The Happening” doesn’t mark an end to The Shyamalan Experiment. It only marks the beginning, as I’m sure that with a bigger budget, more and more people are going to check out his new films. They can be given great reviews or really shitty reviews. Whatever they are, I will be there. Supposedly, this guy is making a movie from that kid’s TV show “Avatar: The Last Airbender.” Between the kid from “The Sixth Sense,” Spencer Breslin in “The Happening,” and the kids that watch this show, I’m beginning to wonder… just what the hell does M. Night Shyamalan have against kids?

Or the better question, what does M. Night Shyamalan have against his audience?


Thanks a lot for the feedback! Some people have praised my words, some people have sent me messages saying that I was a bad reviewer, and someone even has a group called "Stop The Happening" or something like that.