"Twilight" Review - Written by TonyD

“Twilight”
2008
½ out of ****
Director: Catherine Hardwicke
Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Billy Burke


Before the previews came on before “Twilight,” I thought of many things how you can possibly kill a vampire movie. Vampire movies must have a lot of blood. If there isn’t a lot of blood, then what the fuck is a vampire? Vampires can only die if they get a stake to the heart or stay out in the sunlight. They don’t HAVE to die, but I expect to see them stay away from the sunlight and only come out at the dead of night. And for the romance portion of the tale, if there is one, of course, it must be interesting and awkward at the same time.

Here is what I came up with while watching “Twilight.” Let me be the first to say that I have never read the book and after watching the movie, I really don’t plan on it any time soon. “Twilight” has very little blood. In fact, for the little bit of blood that there is in the movie, it makes you want to go next door and watch the climax of “Saw V.” These vampires in “Twilight” CAN stay out in the sunlight and not burn to death. But the romantic scenes in “Twilight” are awkward, but there is no way in the depths of hell that they are interesting.

The basic story idea is that Bella (Kristen Stewart) moves to some town in Oregon where there are only a few thousand people and her father, (Billy Burke) and when she arrives to her new school, she is the new it girl. Everyone is in love with her, including the mysterious Edward Cullen. (Robert Pattinson) Once this guy somehow saves her from some car accident, she begins to wonder how Edward does it. She does the research… could Edward be… *gasp* a vampire?

You would think that “Twilight” would deliver to its fans, but honestly, Catherine Hardwicke doesn’t take the fans into consideration while making the movie. From the first moment, she screws it up by adding an annoying voiceover that will become absent until the end of the movie. And unless you read the books, the voiceover doesn’t mean jackshit to you… and it doesn’t even make sense. That’s not all though. The special effects looked corny. The music sucked and the score didn’t feel right for the film. There was very little blood for a vampire movie.

There is a scene where a few characters were playing baseball. This is where the film finally picks up, but it comes at about the ninety minute mark of the movie. For the first ninety minutes, nothing interesting happens. Just talk and girly-moments reek throughout those moments. After this baseball scene, the film finally picks up, but by then, the film’s just about over. It wouldn’t be so bad though if this baseball scene wasn’t the lamest scene in the entire movie. Yes, these are really vampires playing baseball in the sunlight. I have beef with that, but not as much beef as the fact that whenever someone hits the ball, the director freezes the image in an Anime sort of way. You know what I mean… when Ash would summon a “Pokemon” character with his Poke Ball. It’s pretty bad when I’m comparing “Twilight” to fucking “Pokemon.”

Once the baseball scene occurs though and we really do meet the true villain, it builds up to something that we really want to see – a great final battle. And the ending leaves the audience disappointed. Without spoiling anything, the ending of “Twilight” is such a buzzkill that there really is no final battle, but instead it is another way to continue the relationship between Bella and Edward. I have a feeling that unless you have read the books, you will probably be pissed off too.

Because I haven’t read the book, I really can’t judge the characters in the film as being faithful to the characters in the book. The only things that I can judge are the performances that the cast put on in the film. You know what everyone will be talking about – the chemistry between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. I guess I just have to be the party pooper and disagree with the critics. There is nothing impressive about Stewart and Pattinson. Quite frankly, I kind of found them boring to watch, so boring that I came home and drenched myself in “Wall-E” to get the stink off of me.

I think that the only thing that I can really say good about the film is the direction by Catherine Hardwicke. It isn’t revolutionary… actually, it’s just mediocre. But compared to everything else in the film, her direction is like the fucking king of the hill. Some of the tricks at the camera were a bit amateurish, but I can take experimenting. What I can’t take is making vampires impervious to the sun. FUCK!

After watching “Twilight,” I kept pondering over just how come this franchise was such a hit, and I didn’t see anything that would make anyone who hasn’t read the books become interested in the franchise. I’m sure that people are going to be sending me emails such as, “Well fuck you, go watch your fucking “Hamlet 2.”” But you know what? Keep them coming, Twihards. For everyone else who wants to watch a real vampire movie though…

Watch “Let the Right One In.” That’s all I have left to say.