"Vicky Cristina Barcelona" DVD Review - Written by TonyD

“Vicky Cristina Barcelona”
2008
*½ out of ****
Director: Woody Allen
Cast: Javier Bardem, Rebecca Hall, Scarlett Johansson


I bet you have heard so many great things about “Vicky Cristina Barcelona,” the newest movie that has been directed by Woody Allen. Of course, so did I. On the cover of the DVD, there were quotes that read “Fiery, Crazy and Sexy,” “Seductive and Funny!,” and “Vicky Cristina Barcelona is one of Woody Allen’s finest films, with bravura performances from its incredible cast.” Those quotes were written by Richard Roeper, David Edelstein, and Jeffrey Lyons. Roeper loves “Shallow Hal,” go figure. David Edelstein can go fuck himself. And Jeffrey Lyons’s cockstain created the guy who now hosts the once-beloved “At the Movies.” Believe me, if you could pick any three critics with worst taste, it’s those guys.

But if I can pick a director with the worst lineup of films, it would be Woody Allen, yet for some reason, critics are still kissing his ass. Okay, so he has made three or four films that are going to be remembered when there is no more such thing as film, but for the other thirty-five movies? He’s really not that good. He was a one-hit wonder, and the one-hit still didn’t deserve a Best Picture win. And “Match Point” wasn’t really that good and “Hannah and Her Sisters” is boring. But critics have called “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” his best film since “Annie Hall.”

Something tells me they haven’t looked like I have.

Not that “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” is one of the worst movies of the year (would certainly make a runner’s up list), there’s just nothing good about it. Sure, there are some decent performances here and there, especially from Penelope Cruz who has just received her nom, but aside from that, there’s not too much here. This isn’t the film that I’ve heard about so much from… fuck David Edelstein!

Best friends Vicky (Rebecca Hall) and Cristina (Scarlett Johansson) go to Spain for the summer and meet Juan Antonio, (Javier Bardem, and no, he’s not carrying around a cattle gun this time) a painter who is almost a Romeo in everyone’s eyes. His old girlfriend (Penelope Cruz) is fucking insane, but Juan Antonio will do anything to get in bed with these women (and without spoiling anything, thirty minutes into the movie they both get into bed with him). Complications arise, and you can imagine what happens from there, especially if you’re a big Woody Allen guy.

One of the biggest annoyances was the narration. The narrator’s voice itself wasn’t annoying, but it was how it presented the film to the audience that was. Instead of allowing our characters to tell the story through the dialogue and emotions, the narrator does it for them. For example, a scene goes like this – Vicky, Cristina, Juan Antonio, and Vicky’s fiancée Doug (Chris Messina) are eating lunch together. Juan Antonio slides his leg up against Vicky’s leg, thinking its Cristina, but because we can only see the legs touching each other, we don’t know whose leg it is. The narrator, voiced by Christopher Evan Welch, tells us that Juan Antonio accidentally rubbed up against Vicky’s leg. We’re told only five minutes later by Juan Antonio that he did it accidentally. In short, we’re told that it was an accident twice by two different characters.

Of course, this isn’t the fault of the narrator, but the fault of the screenplay written by Woody Allen. I understand how voiceovers and Woody Allen go together like peanut butter and jelly, but he can take advantage of them real easily. But the whole idea of a voiceover in a film like “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” is flawed anyway. Why not let a star-studded team act the story out instead of letting an amateur voiceover guy do the work for them?

But even Woody Allen couldn’t do this cast shit. This has been getting praised as one of the best acting ensembles of the year and I don’t understand why. There is a decent performance in this package of A-listers but when most of the stars were up for award consideration the past five years for their roles in other films, it feels like we just haven’t gotten anything from this movie.

I might as well get it out of the way that Penelope Cruz was the only thing that really held my interest. No, I’m not going to be the multitude of critics that say how beautiful and insane she was at the same time, I’m going to be the guy who says why she deserves an Oscar. Like Sally Hawkins in “Happy-Go-Lucky,” (who was snubbed by the way) she was the only one who saved the movie from being a total mess. Without Hawkins, “Happy-Go-Lucky” would have been depressive. Without Cruz, “Vicky Cristina Barcelona” would be one of the worst films of the year. She deserves her Best Supporting Actress award just because she can hold a film like “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.”

Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall are two of the most talented actresses working today. Now tell me why they can’t pull off a role in a movie that is suited just for them. Quite frankly, I’m not the biggest fan of Rebecca Hall, but if Scarlett Johansson can’t impress me in a movie, something’s wrong. 2008 wasn’t a very good year for her between “The Spirit” and “Vicky Cristina Barcelona.” I think that if anyone had a rougher year though, it would be Javier Bardem.

Of course, this role was a test for him. Even shooting this long before the success of “No Country for Old Men,” the guy still had to live up to the man with the haircut and the cattle gun. But believe me, if you forget about the success of “No Country for Old Men” and his Oscar win, it’s hard for me to say anything good about his performance here. It’s not memorable nor is it anything that we haven’t seen before. I don’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m starting to miss the neurotic character.

Being that this is a DVD review, I guess I should review the DVD… but there’s nothing to it. I guess the DVD and the movie are sorta similar.