I haven’t really done a “worst of” list before because I am usually pretty good about avoiding the crap Hollywood unleashes on us (especially in January). Now if I were a paid movie critic, I am sure that this list would be overflowing with cinematic accidents. It’s easy to pick apart all the bad horror remakes and lament on Hollywood’s constant urge to raid the treasure chest for other material to exploit. At that point, it’s not about making a good movie as much as it is about pushing a brand name that the public knows and loves.
You’d figure Hollywood would have learned its lesson by now and stop remaking all these Japanese and Asian horror movies because the audience has been avoiding them for the most part these days, and you can get a hint of their awfulness from a mile away. I for one saw that even from the poster for “One Missed Call,” and I stayed far away from that one, which I should point out was the first official movie release of 2008.
The list I have here is actually pretty short, but all the movies on it are more than worthy of a good bitch slapping if you will excuse the term. They messed up on a lot of different levels, and they wasted a lot of good talent on something that should have been a hell of a lot better. I actually don’t regret seeing these movies because if nothing else, they give you great ideas of how NOT to make a movie. Each movie you see can be a great learning experience, and that includes the bad ones.
If there is any consolation, none of these movies were anywhere as bad as 2007’s vile piece of toxic waste that was “Norbit” with Eddie Murphy. These ones did come fairly close though. I am presenting these in the chronological order from when they were originally released. By the end of it, maybe I will know which one of these was truly the worst of the bunch:
Untraceable
Diane Lane starred as an FBI agent on the trailer of a serial killer who murders people live on the internet. Gregory Hoblit (“Primal Fear” & “Frequency”) directed this insult to the intelligence movie that purported to be a statement against violence on the internet, but it seems to revel in the gory details of the murders committed. Many people accused Michael Haneke’s remake of “Funny Games” of wallowing in the depraved violence it was presenting, but that one was more effectively made and barely showed any violence. This one goes as far to see a man in a water tub get his skin completely burned off by sulfuric acid that is entered in sizable amounts based on the audience on the internet. The scenes of torture play like outtakes from all the “Saw” movies.
Now look, I have no with blood and gore in the movies. The way I see it, the gore the merrier. But if you are going to use these elements and make a point at the same time, be sure that you know what you are doing. Somehow, the makers of “Untraceable” left their brains at the door which is inescapable considering the people involved in its making.
Actually, watching a movie like this can make you feel really smart in that you can spot the plot holes and inconsistencies as soon as they show up on the silver screen. You come out if it feeling like you spotted things that no one else did. It’s always the creepy young white man behind these crimes!
This movie is completely hypocritical in its treatment of its subject matter, and it is filled with characters doing the dumbest things (don’t get back in your car Diane!). Diane Lane deserved better than this, but then again, so did everyone else involved.
Diane Lane starred as an FBI agent on the trailer of a serial killer who murders people live on the internet. Gregory Hoblit (“Primal Fear” & “Frequency”) directed this insult to the intelligence movie that purported to be a statement against violence on the internet, but it seems to revel in the gory details of the murders committed. Many people accused Michael Haneke’s remake of “Funny Games” of wallowing in the depraved violence it was presenting, but that one was more effectively made and barely showed any violence. This one goes as far to see a man in a water tub get his skin completely burned off by sulfuric acid that is entered in sizable amounts based on the audience on the internet. The scenes of torture play like outtakes from all the “Saw” movies.
Now look, I have no with blood and gore in the movies. The way I see it, the gore the merrier. But if you are going to use these elements and make a point at the same time, be sure that you know what you are doing. Somehow, the makers of “Untraceable” left their brains at the door which is inescapable considering the people involved in its making.
Actually, watching a movie like this can make you feel really smart in that you can spot the plot holes and inconsistencies as soon as they show up on the silver screen. You come out if it feeling like you spotted things that no one else did. It’s always the creepy young white man behind these crimes!
This movie is completely hypocritical in its treatment of its subject matter, and it is filled with characters doing the dumbest things (don’t get back in your car Diane!). Diane Lane deserved better than this, but then again, so did everyone else involved.
The Forbidden Kingdom
In retrospect, I was way too kind to this martial arts fantasy that brought together Jackie Chan and Jet Li for the first time. Yes, there are some cool fight sequences, but considering how long it took to get Chan and Li together on the big screen, this should have been sooo much better! It’s bad enough that there’s a remake of “The Karate Kid” coming out in the future, and I am sick of that movie’s setup being used in movie after movie of some young white kid who learns to defend himself through the tutelage of a master of the martial arts. I am also hoping that Jet Li doesn’t do anymore movies that involve him playing some leader who has been frozen in one place for hundreds and hundreds of years. On top of “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor,” this has not been his year.
I am so sick of movies that clearly get their stories from other much better movies. It’s bad enough that most Hollywood movies lack originality, so there’s no need to shove that heinous fact in our faces. All it does is rob the life and spontaneity of watching something like this. Considering what a big deal it was to bring these two martial arts action stars together in a movie, you would hope that they would get a more exciting movie to be in together. Studio executives keep fraking it up by putting stars like these in movies that have obscenely ordinary stories. No amount of martial arts action can save it. Saying that it this s a better team up than “Alien vs. Predator” isn’t much of a compliment.
In retrospect, I was way too kind to this martial arts fantasy that brought together Jackie Chan and Jet Li for the first time. Yes, there are some cool fight sequences, but considering how long it took to get Chan and Li together on the big screen, this should have been sooo much better! It’s bad enough that there’s a remake of “The Karate Kid” coming out in the future, and I am sick of that movie’s setup being used in movie after movie of some young white kid who learns to defend himself through the tutelage of a master of the martial arts. I am also hoping that Jet Li doesn’t do anymore movies that involve him playing some leader who has been frozen in one place for hundreds and hundreds of years. On top of “The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor,” this has not been his year.
I am so sick of movies that clearly get their stories from other much better movies. It’s bad enough that most Hollywood movies lack originality, so there’s no need to shove that heinous fact in our faces. All it does is rob the life and spontaneity of watching something like this. Considering what a big deal it was to bring these two martial arts action stars together in a movie, you would hope that they would get a more exciting movie to be in together. Studio executives keep fraking it up by putting stars like these in movies that have obscenely ordinary stories. No amount of martial arts action can save it. Saying that it this s a better team up than “Alien vs. Predator” isn’t much of a compliment.
Speed Racer
Of all the big budget Hollywood blockbusters that came out in the summer of 2008, this was easily the most disappointing of the bunch. Granted, it is a marvel on a visual scale, but the movie feels so inert and just drags on for much longer than it should have. There is no excitement to be found in the races as they are designed in a way where you can tell that no real damage is being done. If I wanted a video game, I would have gone out and bought one instead of watching this movie. “Speed Racer” came to us from the crazed imaginations of the Wachowski Brothers, the same guys who gave us “The Matrix.” You’d figure that they would do something extraordinary with this material, but no such luck.
This movie failed what I would call the watch test. Basically, if I find myself looking at my watch during a movie, it is bad and much longer than it should be. “Speed Racer” failed this test by having this other race come up at the latter half of the movie when it should have just ended sooner. How depressing it is when studios put so much money into the making of a movie, but never enough energy or thought into the story or its characters.
“Speed Racer” should have been an exciting throwback to the cartoon to the past, but it didn’t even come close.
Of all the big budget Hollywood blockbusters that came out in the summer of 2008, this was easily the most disappointing of the bunch. Granted, it is a marvel on a visual scale, but the movie feels so inert and just drags on for much longer than it should have. There is no excitement to be found in the races as they are designed in a way where you can tell that no real damage is being done. If I wanted a video game, I would have gone out and bought one instead of watching this movie. “Speed Racer” came to us from the crazed imaginations of the Wachowski Brothers, the same guys who gave us “The Matrix.” You’d figure that they would do something extraordinary with this material, but no such luck.
This movie failed what I would call the watch test. Basically, if I find myself looking at my watch during a movie, it is bad and much longer than it should be. “Speed Racer” failed this test by having this other race come up at the latter half of the movie when it should have just ended sooner. How depressing it is when studios put so much money into the making of a movie, but never enough energy or thought into the story or its characters.
“Speed Racer” should have been an exciting throwback to the cartoon to the past, but it didn’t even come close.
Hell Ride
I bet the makers of this cinematic waste are looking at the horrendous reviews that this movie deservedly got and are saying that the critics just didn’t get it. They’re probably saying that this movie was meant to be nothing more than a sleazy B-movie, and that they were looking to give us trashy good time at the movies. Alright, fine, there’s a lot of good trash out there that is fun to watch and which never takes itself seriously. That was so great about “Grindhouse” when it came out in 2007. But “Hell Ride” fails on even that level, and it is nothing more than incoherent trash that feels a hell of a lot longer than its 83 minute running time. This one failed the watch test within the first half hour!
I still can’t figure out what this movie was about. I guess there was some sort of revenge pact going on that had to do with an Indian woman getting burned or something like that… Screw it, I really don’t give a shit. Long before the end of the movie, I had since given up trying to figure out all that was going on and who everybody was. I came pretty close to passing out while watching this movie, and that’s saying a lot considering how short and loud it was.
Larry Bishop (who wrote, directed, and stars in “Hell Ride”) apparently has big cult following from all those biker movies he did in the 70’s. This one will sure as shit not win him any new fans. Plus, for those of you groaning about how annoyed you were with Batman’s growlingly deep voice in “The Dark Knight,” Larry’s one note monotone performance has it beat by several miles.
I bet the makers of this cinematic waste are looking at the horrendous reviews that this movie deservedly got and are saying that the critics just didn’t get it. They’re probably saying that this movie was meant to be nothing more than a sleazy B-movie, and that they were looking to give us trashy good time at the movies. Alright, fine, there’s a lot of good trash out there that is fun to watch and which never takes itself seriously. That was so great about “Grindhouse” when it came out in 2007. But “Hell Ride” fails on even that level, and it is nothing more than incoherent trash that feels a hell of a lot longer than its 83 minute running time. This one failed the watch test within the first half hour!
I still can’t figure out what this movie was about. I guess there was some sort of revenge pact going on that had to do with an Indian woman getting burned or something like that… Screw it, I really don’t give a shit. Long before the end of the movie, I had since given up trying to figure out all that was going on and who everybody was. I came pretty close to passing out while watching this movie, and that’s saying a lot considering how short and loud it was.
Larry Bishop (who wrote, directed, and stars in “Hell Ride”) apparently has big cult following from all those biker movies he did in the 70’s. This one will sure as shit not win him any new fans. Plus, for those of you groaning about how annoyed you were with Batman’s growlingly deep voice in “The Dark Knight,” Larry’s one note monotone performance has it beat by several miles.
Righteous Kill
Here was another pairing of two movie superstars in the same movie which turned out to be really bad. You have to wonder what made Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro decide to do this movie considering that it is no different than dozens of other movies like it. So great were these two in Michael Mann’s “Heat,” they both make “Righteous Kill” look as bad as “Heat” was good. Like “Untraceable,” it involves cops on the search for a serial killer, but you will figure out who the killer is long before the movie’s halfway point. How depressing it is to see these two great actors demean their well-respected talents in a movie that would have gone straight to video were it not for its two big name stars.
Perhaps we should have seen it with this movie. “Righteous Kill” was directed by Jon Avnet who earlier in the year directed Pacino to reviews in “88 Minutes.” I didn’t see that one, but from watching the trailers for it, I could already spot plot holes that Batman could have driven his huge car right through. There’s nothing special, let alone righteous about “Righteous Kill,” and you can’t help but feel that DeNiro and Pacino are not even trying to make a good movie here. It goes through the motions of its genre, and you come out of it depressed. You never would have expected to see these two actors sink so low. WTF?!
These were all movies that I figured would be at least good or entertaining in their own way, but these one deserve special recognition as they failed on so many different levels. A lot of negativity has been hurled at Hollywood and studio executives for not taking more chances, but in retrospect, an equal share of the blame should go to the actors and directors of these movies as (for the most part) we expected so much better from them all. These were not just bad movies, but depressing ones in what they wasted on the big screen.
Of all the movies here, I’m gonna go ahead and say that “Hell Ride” was the worst movie of 2008 for me. The movie had no point to it, and it wasted a great cast in what ended up feeling like a pointless endeavor. That’s the one movie from the past year that I would love to scrub clean from my conscious mind. I’ll get to it at some point as I am still scrubbing away at the filthy stains that “Norbit” left on me more than a year after I saw it.
2008 was not as good a year at the movies as 2007 was. Hopefully, 2009 will be much better.
Here was another pairing of two movie superstars in the same movie which turned out to be really bad. You have to wonder what made Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro decide to do this movie considering that it is no different than dozens of other movies like it. So great were these two in Michael Mann’s “Heat,” they both make “Righteous Kill” look as bad as “Heat” was good. Like “Untraceable,” it involves cops on the search for a serial killer, but you will figure out who the killer is long before the movie’s halfway point. How depressing it is to see these two great actors demean their well-respected talents in a movie that would have gone straight to video were it not for its two big name stars.
Perhaps we should have seen it with this movie. “Righteous Kill” was directed by Jon Avnet who earlier in the year directed Pacino to reviews in “88 Minutes.” I didn’t see that one, but from watching the trailers for it, I could already spot plot holes that Batman could have driven his huge car right through. There’s nothing special, let alone righteous about “Righteous Kill,” and you can’t help but feel that DeNiro and Pacino are not even trying to make a good movie here. It goes through the motions of its genre, and you come out of it depressed. You never would have expected to see these two actors sink so low. WTF?!
These were all movies that I figured would be at least good or entertaining in their own way, but these one deserve special recognition as they failed on so many different levels. A lot of negativity has been hurled at Hollywood and studio executives for not taking more chances, but in retrospect, an equal share of the blame should go to the actors and directors of these movies as (for the most part) we expected so much better from them all. These were not just bad movies, but depressing ones in what they wasted on the big screen.
Of all the movies here, I’m gonna go ahead and say that “Hell Ride” was the worst movie of 2008 for me. The movie had no point to it, and it wasted a great cast in what ended up feeling like a pointless endeavor. That’s the one movie from the past year that I would love to scrub clean from my conscious mind. I’ll get to it at some point as I am still scrubbing away at the filthy stains that “Norbit” left on me more than a year after I saw it.
2008 was not as good a year at the movies as 2007 was. Hopefully, 2009 will be much better.
With the exception of Speed Racer, I did not expect much from any of these films.
Although I think out of all of them, I enjoyed the poster for the Hell Ride the most.
I really don't expect much much from DeNiro or Pacino anymore.
Speed Racer, well let's just say, the first 2/3 bored the hell out of me.
Whaaa? No The Spirit? Or did you see too many bad movies that you stayed clear away from this one? I don't blame you if you did.
I enjoyed Speed Racer, but that's just me. Hell Ride sucked, and Righteous Kill wasn't very good. I forget Untraceable. The Forbidden Kingdom - I liked it, but I guess it's because it was the closest thing we got to a kung-fu movie this year (aside from Kung-Fu Panda, of course). We need more kung fu.
We could use more kung fu. I never got around to seeing "The Spirit." I wanted to, but the reviews were atrocious, and there were other movies that I wanted to see. Doesn't sound like I missed much.
I have to disagree with you on HellRide. Even though, the film has flaws, I enjoyed as a gulity pleasure. Also, where Jumper on the list, as that's a definition of a worst film.
I wish that "Hell Ride" worked as a guilty pleasure, but even on that level I thought it sucked. I never got around to seeing "Jumper" as the trailers for it did not look all that good to say the least.