"Hannah Montana: The Movie" Review - Written by TonyD

“Hannah Montana: The Movie”
2008
** out of ****
Director: Peter Chelsom
Cast: Miley Cyrus, Billy Ray Cyrus, Emily Osment


I’m a man of many things. I’m a man who can keep his promises, without reminders that I promised. I’m a man who will try and set time aside for anyone, whether they are my greatest of friends or my worst of enemies. I’m a man who will do anything for anyone, even if it means that I get hurt in the process.

So why the FUCK did I promise my friend that I will accompany her to see “Hannah Montana: The Movie,” knowing that I will come out smelling like fake fucking Barbie perfume and a migraine?

But it turns out that while the movie, based on the hit Disney television series that I know almost nothing about, isn’t terrible, it isn’t good either. It’s for the target audience – pre-teen girls and fans of the series. The good news is that it will please them. The bad news, though, is that most people who aren’t fans of the series will probably be bored out of their minds for most of the film.

Miley Cyrus plays Miley Stewart. During the day, she goes to school, sucks in all of her subjects, and is best friends with someone who acts as stupid as she is. (Emily Osment) At night and on certain occasions, she is Hannah Montana, pop-superstar. Some shit goes down between her and Tyra Banks, a paparazzi guy from England (Peter Gunn) starts following her, and her dad (Billy Ray Cyrus) sends her out to the country to spend time with her grandmother. (Margo Martindale) And la-dee-da, she realizes that she likes it out in the country, especially when she falls for some hillbilly kid from her childhood days. (Lucas Till)

The problem with the movie isn’t what many people complain about. The movie follows a formula that was developed by the television show. This girl dresses up like a pop-star and goes around recording her albums. Of course, it’s not believable, but this is an alternate universe and in this universe, some people are just stupid. I can BELIEVE that.

The problem with the movie isn’t that the songs are terrible, because honestly, they’re not. Sure, there are a few songs that are kind of annoying, and the new remix of the theme song just doesn’t cut it for me (one of the few things that I knew about the television show before going into it), but a few songs are catchy, and I can admit it without being afraid of being made fun of. “The Climb” and “Hoedown Throwdown” are two prime examples of catchy songs that may be put on my I-Pod Nano soon.

The problem with the movie isn’t the acting. I’m not going into the movie expecting Miley Cyrus to put on a career-performance like Seth Rogan gave in “Observe and Report.” I wasn’t expecting her to blame a Middle-Easterner for conspiring to blow up a Chik-Fil-A. I got what I wanted as far as the acting goes. I expected Disney performances. As far as I know, they were Disney performances. Okay, maybe some of the characters should stick to their music performances, but they weren’t a huge problem. Again, I wasn’t bothered by this.

The problem with the movie IS that it is completely predictable. Now I don’t need every movie to be like “The Sixth Sense” (which I also found to be predictable), but I would like to see a movie, even if it is terrible, to leave me thinking, “Oh man, what is going to happen?” There is a long five minute scene where Cyrus switches back and forth from Hannah Montana to herself from a dinner party to a date. Ignore how believable it is for a second, but think about how I knew what was going to happen ten minutes before the scene even occurred. And this didn’t happen only once in the movie. Now that I’m looking back at it, I called about fifteen of the instances in the movie that I just knew were going to happen.

I know it is Disney and all, but you don’t have to sugar-coat every single thing for your audience. Believe me, a film like “Hannah Montana” can be entertaining for people who don’t know a thing about it if Disney could stem away from the target audience and try to entertain people outside of it. And I know I love the movie and all but “Watchmen” had the same exact problem. But “Watchmen” corrected itself because it had enough character development that by the movie was past its halfway point you were able to understand what was going on. With “Hannah Montana,” I’m still trying to figure out where the hell she got her name from.

But I got to give Disney credit. Last year around February, I took my little sister to go see that 3D concert film. I still have the headache today. When I heard that they were making an actual movie on the television show, all I could remember was saying, “Well this is going to suck.” And while it… still sucks… it sucks less than what I expected it to be. So you did it Disney. I can officially say that I walked out of the “Hannah Montana” movie unscathed and smelling like the same Old Spice that I walked into it. Even if there are a few big problems, it is enough for me to give the film a two star review.

But, my faithful readers, you can always take your daughter to go see “Observe and Report.”