So I’m in the theatre seeing who knows what with my better half. We watch the previews and turn to each other after each one is over and give the one look critique in silence. You know, that head shake or whatever to determine if this is one she sees with me or one I am on my own for. The first time I see the trailer for 10,000 B.C. I have to admit I was interested. It looked pretty decent. I turn to her shaking my head yes and am met with a blank stare and the following statement; “Are you kidding me? Aren’t you a movie critic?”

Touché.

I sign up to review the movie and literally that night saw the trailer again in front of something else. Once again I thought it looked decent. Then I started thinking. Where is the dialogue? What is the story about? Wait, why did I think this was going to be good after hearing again who made it?

Dear God, what have I done.

One things for sure, no one ever accused Roland Emmerich of being a master craftsman. His previous attempts to direct have yielded exactly one and three fourths of a half decent movie – Independence Day, The Patriot, and Stargate. I can’t decide which movie makes up which percent, but I’m sticking to my figures.

Movies involving history or past events that are alleged to have taken place are tricky business. People making these movies typically try to stick to the facts as much as possible and interject the story with life where they see fit to make the story flow. Fair enough, I say. I imagine the idea of a movie like 10,000 B.C., in its infancy, was designed to tell a story focused not so much on fact, but rather an interesting setting. Again, fair enough.

There are just far too many things to attack with a movie this bad. The story itself is a garden variety prehistoric odyssey with no heart. And I may have been schooled in the butt crack of the Midwest but even I know English wasn’t the native tongue ten thousand years ago. In an interview with Emmerich he said he decided to use English in the movie because he felt using an ancient language wouldn’t have been as emotionally engaging. He went on to say that faced with the dilemma of forcing the audience to read subtitles of a language they didn’t understand and look at what was on screen, he opted for the latter. Hearing this made me immediately assume that what we were being forced to look at would have overcompensated for the lack of story. Aside from a couple scenes in the movie, it did not.

It’s hard to say if the movie is meant to be a history lesson of any kind. If it is, then it is grossly irresponsible. I thought it less of a lesson in history rather than one of economics; the study of the production, distribution, and consumption of good and services. It is bad economics to make a movie of this size and spend all the money in the budget on a handful of scenes. Emmerich is known for doing this and why he keeps being allowed to do so without producing a decent picture is beyond me. The lesson here is that if you don’t want to see it then don’t go and you win, right? Well this may be true to a point but look at it like this: A studio spends umpteen million dollars to make a pile of a movie like this then is forced to oversaturated the market with its product. This means you get sixteen showings a day of 10,000 B.C. at your local theatre while movies that cost less to make, and therefore loss less if they make less, get pulled early or not ran at all. So even if you don’t go see movies like this, you still lose.

I guess they’re right; there IS no such thing as a free lunch.

And there’s the rub

* out of ****

*Sorry for the late post - I've been updating the site for the weekend.*

10,000 BC



In a remote mountain tribe, the young hunter D'Leh (Steven Strait) has found his heart's passion - the beautiful Evolet (Camilla Belle). But when a band of mysterious warlords raid his village and kidnap Evolet, D'Leh leads a small group of hunters to pursue the warlords to the end of the world to save her. As they venture into unknown lands for the first time, the group discovers there are civilizations beyond their own and that mankind's reach is far greater than they ever knew. At each encounter the group is joined by other tribes who have been attacked by the slave raiders, turning D'Leh's once-small band into an army. Driven by destiny, the unlikely warriors must battle prehistoric predators while braving the harshest elements. At their heroic journey's end, they uncover a lost civilization and learn their ultimate fate lies in an empire beyond imagination, where great pyramids reach into the skies. Here they will take their stand against a tyrannical god who has brutally enslaved their own. And it is here that D'Leh finally comes to understand that he has been called to save not only Evolet but all of civilization.




College Road Trip



Choosing which college to attend can be the most exciting and thrilling time of a young woman's life... unless your overprotective father isn't quite ready to let you go. In the Disney family comedy, "College Road Trip," Melanie (Raven-Symone) is eagerly looking forward to her first big step towards independence when she plans a "girls only" road trip to check out prospective universities. But when her overbearing police chief father (Martin Lawrence) insists on escorting her instead, she soon finds her dream trip has turned into a hilarious nightmare adventure full of comical misfortune and turmoil.



The Bank Job



A car dealer with a dodgy past and new family, Terry (Statham) has always avoided major-league scams. But when Martine (Burrows), a beautiful model from his old neighborhood, offers him a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London's Baker Street, Terry recognizes the opportunity of a lifetime. Martine targets a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. But Terry and his crew don't realize the boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets - secrets that will thrust them into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal that spans London's criminal underworld, the highest echelons of the British government, and the Royal Family itself...the true story of a heist gone wrong... in all the right ways.



Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day



In 1939 London, Miss Guinevere Pettigrew (played by Ms. McDormand) is a middle-aged governess who finds herself once again unfairly dismissed from her job. Without so much as severance pay, Miss Pettigrew realizes that she must – for the first time in two decades – seize the day. This she does, by intercepting an employment assignment outside of her comfort level – as "social secretary." Arriving at a penthouse apartment for the interview, Miss Pettigrew is catapulted into the glamorous world and dizzying social whirl of an American actress and singer, Delysia Lafosse (Adams). Within minutes, Miss Pettigrew finds herself swept into a heady high-society milieu – and, within hours, living it up. Taking the "social secretary" designation to heart, she tries to help her new friend Delysia navigate a love life and career, both of which are complicated by the three men in Delysia’s orbit; devoted pianist Michael (Pace), intimidating nightclub owner Nick (Strong), and impressionable junior impresario Phil (Payne). Miss Pettigrew herself is blushingly drawn to the gallant Joe (Hinds), a successful designer who is tenuously engaged to haughty fashion maven Edythe (Henderson) – the one person who senses that the new "social secretary" may be out of her element, and schemes to undermine her. Over the next 24 hours, Guinevere and Delysia will empower each other to discover their romantic destinies.



Snow Angels



High school student Arthur plays trombone in the marching band, busses tables at the local Chinese restaurant and avoids his squabbling parents. At work, he flirts with Annie, who used to be his baby-sitter. Annie is trying to build a new life for herself and her daughter after splitting with high school sweetheart Glenn. A man with a troubled past, Glenn hopes to make a new start by getting a job and reconnecting with his family. At school, Arthur meets a pretty girl, Lila, who is just as nerdy as he is, and they quickly develop a crush on each other. Though Lila makes her feelings for Arthur painfully obvious, Arthur is reluctant to accept her advances as he watches his father move out of the family home while his mother struggles to keep things together. Determined to find happiness, Arthur begins to fall for the irresistible Lila, even as he witnesses Annie and Glenn tear each other apart in a series of distressing encounters at the same time as his parents begin separate lives. Then, on a cold winter morning, Glenn and Annie's past catches up with their future. In one shocking moment, all of the pain and struggle comes to a screeching halt. For them, and for everyone who knows them, nothing will ever be the same.