"Good Luck Chuck" Review - Written by TonyD

“Good Luck Chuck”
2007
BOMB out of ****
Director: Mark Helfrich
Cast: Dane Cook, Jessica Alba, Dan Fogler


You know, there were five movies in consideration for the worst film of ‘007. Besides the obvious last minute winner (“Alvin and the Childhood-Raping Chipmunks”), I gave bomb ratings to “Dirty Sanchez: The Movie,” “Epic Movie,” and “The Tripper.” There was another one that starred two of the people that I hated most in Hollywood and one person who can’t act her way out of a brown turd but certainly looks pretty. I wouldn’t even pay to see this movie in the theater, so I found a decent bootleg over the internet one night… yeah, I’m pretty surprised in myself too.

But “Good Luck Chuck” isn’t even WORTHY of a bootleg. It’s not even worthy to be called a movie. It’s not even half-worthy to be called an abomination. It’s worse than that. I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how offended I was. It’s misogynic, completely sexist, and most of all, unfunny. It wants to be the next “American Pie 2” when it actually becomes “American Pie: The Naked Mile.” It could have easily been a good romantic comedy, but instead, it becomes a raunchy ass-wiping piece of celluloid that sucks more than seeing Ryan Seacrest becoming the most influencing man of 2008… and let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

Well I guess it’s only right to begin how come I hate everyone in the cast so much. Let’s begin with Dane Cook. Now, everyone who knows me knows that I HATE internet sensations. I wish Chris Crocker would jump off a bridge, lonelygirl15 to just… stop… the… complaining (UPDATED! SOMEONE HAD PUT HER OUT OF HER MISERY WHILE I WASN’T LOOKING!), and don’t even get me started with that guy who sang “Chocolate Rain.” But the funniest thing about Dane Cook is his fan-base. Surely enough, it would seem that his fan-base would be extremely loyal to this guy, but everyone that I know that “likes” Dane Cook, it seems like that they don’t know why they like him. They say that he’s “funny” and can’t explain why or they say that he’s hot… and according to everyone who says that, it needs no explanation. Plus, there’s nothing that I LOVE more than joke-stealing comedians.

Secondly, Jessica Alba – okay, I don’t HATE her. Let’s get that clear. But due to numerous pocketball tournaments and many MVPs won, it’s kind of hard NOT to hate her. She just can’t act. Even with “Sin City,” which is my all-time favorite film, she couldn’t even convince me as a stripper (actually… she did… in a different kind of convincing way). But if I wanted to see her in any movie, it would be a romantic comedy actually. There is a fine line between talent and looks, of course, but different actresses work better in different kinds of films. And it just had to be “Good Luck Chuck” that she starred in.

It’s no secret that the third person is the one man that I hate in Hollywood more than anyone in Hollywood is a big girl named Dan Fogler. Every single line that he says in “Balls of Fury” makes me hate the movie even more (even though that second watch I liked it much more that the first time just because of Christopher Walken). There is not a doubt in my mind that this guy will not become a household name after this film gets out to more people, but there is also not a doubt in my mind that more hatred will come to me by the time most teenagers by into “Good Luck Chuck.” You can go ahead and call this review of mine biased, but I go into every film the same way.

Before starting the review for “Good Luck Chuck,” I want to acknowledge something that I read back maybe three months ago. A good friend and writer for this site, Spaldy, allowed me to publish one of her quotes from her review. Let this be proof that jokes aren’t the only things Dane Cook has stolen…

“… I had a bias against this movie because I wrote a script (unfinished of course) in college about a guy who refuses to see the good luck in his life but only sees his bad luck with women. It was called "Bad Luck Charlie." I shit you not. Ask anyone that was in that screenwriting class back in 1997.”

When Charlie was ten years old, (Connor Price) he played 7 Minutes in Heaven with other kids at a party. His turn to spin, and his 7 Minutes in Heaven/Hell was with a Goth girl (Sasha Pieterse). When he wouldn’t let her get close to him, the Goth girl puts a hex on him. Whoever he sleeps with, they will find their true love. About fifteen years later, Charlie (Dane Cook) is now a highly respected dentist. Across the hall is his grape-fruit fucking friend Stu (Dan Fogler). Charlie is invited to his ex’s wedding… and it turns out… he’s a lucky charm.

Charlie and Stu look into that “lucky charm” business and it turns out that it’s actually true – all of his previous exes are now married. Now, he doesn’t believe in this coincidence, so he tries it out… by having a fuck-montage.

In this fuck montage, Charlie schplotzes his patients and later tries to see if they find their true-love. Now, look at this for a second. Isn’t THIS just a little bit misogynic? Ladies who are just that desperate to find their true-love that they would sleep with Dane Cook’s character? I kinda find it hard to believe that between this and “Superbad,” girls are hornier than the guys in the film (and that’s pretty much saying A LOT), but at least “Superbad” used it to an advantage.

Anyway, Charlie meets Cam, (Jessica Alba) a clumsy but overall sweet girl. Charlie really thinks she is the one, and wants to go as far as he can with her. Then he thinks back to that curse and he says “HEY STU! I’LL GO SCHPLOTZ THAT FAT CHICK AND THEN YOU CAN ASK HER OUT AND THEN DUMP HER ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD! THAT WILL WORK! MAYBE NOW THE CURSE WOULD BE BROKEN!” Needless to say, that was the worst scene in the entire movie. Being as a somewhat overweight teenager with acne, I’d like to shank the bastard who wrote the film.

I’m actually kind of glad to say that Jessica Alba isn’t nearly as bad as what most people would think she is. Of course, as you can tell by her poster sucking on an ice cream cone that looks like a miniature-sized dildo, you kind of expect that she wouldn’t be the worst of the movie. She, and her little penguin buddies, are the best. It will still take me a while to consider her an actress, but even this wouldn’t have me consider anything less than a wasted swap of sperm. And oh god, did Dan Fogler make me mad while watching “Good Luck Chuck.” All that this guy does is scream his lines, whether it calls it or if it doesn’t. I counted about ten times that he didn’t have to especially that infamous line “SEX!” I almost feel guilty that I wanted to see him in “Fanboys.”

And I’m not going to explain Dane Cook’s performance, because now that I think about it, the movie wasn’t that much of his fault. It would have sucked anyway whether he was in it or if Jim Sturgess was recast in his role, and I fucking love Jim Sturgess.

“Good Luck Chuck” was so close to being the worst film of ‘007, but “Alvin and the Star-Turned-Problematic Chipmunks” came to me the second to last day of ‘007. I know that I said that I don’t have to step in shit twice to know that it still stinks, but I can step in shit twice to remind myself that I’m not paying for it again.