"Alvin and the Chipmunks" Review - Written by TonyD

I was actually planning on reviewing “Dirty Sanchez: The Movie,” and calling that the worst movie of the year. But I had a chance to go to the movies today, so I went to go see “Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story” and “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” I was obligated to watch “Walk Hard” from GeeksOfDoom, and you bastards obligated me to watch “Alvin,” but if I had the choice, I would have only gone to see one of them… But then in between movies, I had some Chinese food from the place next door to the movie theater, and…

OH GOD, THEY WERE SOME REALLY GOOD CHICKEN WINGS AND CHICKEN FRIED RICE!

Being that there was fifteen minutes to eat, and those bastards wouldn’t let me taking the food into the theater, I had to sit outside and eat it… and I ate so fast that I looked like Tyra Banks at the dessert-stand in an all-you-can-eat buffet at the Trump Plaza. This will most likely hurt my metabolism, but the leftovers that I left in the bathroom of the movie theater will probably hurt the guy who has to clean up the stall. I feel bad for that poor fella.

ANYWAY, as I was saying…

“Alvin and the Chipmunks” is like watching you as a child be gang-raped by twenty hot chicks that are covered from head-to-toe with STDs and fungus. It’s the single worst catastrophe of the year, even worse than the War and Britney Spear’s green cooch. Out of the many films that I’ve seen in this year, “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is the single worst film that I’ve seen, possibly one of the worst I’ve ever seen throughout my short-life. I was so mad that I left my mess in the stall once again for someone to clean it up, and I enclosed it with a note that read: “Jason Lee, you fucking fuck!” Ross Bagdasarian, Sr. is probably spinning around in his grave by the news that his creation has now been a marketing ploy to make money.

Sometime during the winter, before Christmas but after Thanksgiving, three rodents that go by the names of Theodore, Simon, and Alvin are storing nuts for the winter. This implies that they were not eaten for Thanksgiving dinner, and it also implies that Thanksgiving dinner is NOTHING without little meat (and that is NOT what your mom said last night; she likes the real turkey, thank you very much). As it nears Christmas time, some guys cut down the tree that they inhabit, and they take them to a big recording-studio, where Dave Seville (some guy in a Jason Lee outfit) is being told that his music sucks by big-time musical hot-shot Ian (David Cross).

When Dave is walking out, the Chipmunks jump into his basket of muffins that he steals (which is a PERFECT way to let kids know that stealing is okay, just as long as no one is around). When they start going through Dave’s shit at home, he finally realizes that these talking chipmunks mean that he’s either going nuts or that he’s asleep. He kicks the Chipmunks out of the house, but then he listens to them singing… and he says… “OH WAIT! I’LL BRING THEM BACK IN SO I CAN MAKE MONEY OFF OF THESE TALKING RODENT BASTARDS!”

They record a song called “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late),” and a fun-fact is that this is the first song that Bagdasarian created that contained the Chipmunks. An even funner fact is that they were the Chipmunks that really made my life so perfect, and these ones make my life like hell. Apparently, when they escape Dave’s house one night, the chipmunks go to Ian’s house to sing the song… and within twelve hours, it’s hitting the radio airwaves. On Christmas Day, they all give Dave a gift… and then he gives them a savings bond each… and they started complaining… and that is when I started to fume out of my corn-shooter.

FIRST OFF, if I wasn’t tired of hearing spoiled little grouchy brats whining and complaining, I’m tired of spoiled little grouchy rodents whining and complaining. If this was me, I would have kicked the bastards in their groins and out of the house. The fucker gave you his house, and you say “Isn’t there something that you bought seven years ago?” Jesus Christ, I don’t even think Paris Hilton was that mad when she found a lump of coal in her stocking when she turned eight.

“Alvin and the Chipmunks” can only be blamed by three people. These three scat-munchers could barely hold onto their sacs, let alone their roles. Believe me, this is not any of Jason Lee’s blame. This is totally the blame of three little pieces of shit that don’t deserve to stand up next to the big guys. They sound so bad that I’m beginning to wonder if they actually went through the first-stage of puberty.

The first one is Jesse McCartney, who plays Theodore, a fat but really “sweet” chipmunk. Now, while I don’t have a problem with it, it’s the way how “sweet” this Theodore is. First off, he ate everything in this poor guy’s house. He wants to sleep in a bed with Jason Lee’s character, but ends up sitting on his face (raunchy, eh?). You know, I should have expected it from that guy who was in that boy-band who didn’t go anywhere and the same guy who sang that damn song that I couldn’t get away from last year, but if I knew he was in this movie, I would have stayed far away.

The second one is Matthew Gray Gubler, who plays Simon. I don’t know much about this guy so I can’t really take a piss on him, but I think I hate him already. And the third one is Justin Long. Long is the complete opposite of Alvin. While the Alvin that I knew was fun and adventurous, this Alvin is boring, whiney, and completely pathetic. But if Alvin was supposed to be like this, I guess Justin Long was just perfect for the role.

And even though I can’t really put the blame on Jason Lee, I can put the blame that he doesn’t try to make up for the shit that he’s given. I think that the entire reason that this film was made was just to see Jason Lee scream “AL-VIN” at the top of his lungs… which he does about ten times, one of those times being completely useless and another one of those times was just to lighten up the mood. Lee’s career has been going to the shitter ever since last season of “My Name Is Earl,” and I’m not really surprised. That’s what happens when you start saying that you were Kevin Smith’s best friend at one point in your life.

If you’re going to make a movie about talking-chipmunks that isn’t realistic to begin with, make their situation realistic. After they start taking in all of the fame and they work really hard to get where they are in the film, they begin to grow tired. I call this the “pussy way” of showing celebrity stardom. Did this happen when Britney Spears started doing a lot? No. She had two kids, partied her little tits off, shaved her hair, and kept forgetting to wear panties. I was waiting for Alvin to shave his hair. I was waiting to see Simon lose his glasses in a two dollar stripper’s panties. I was expecting to see Theodore go on an anorexic rampage.

I warn everyone commenting this blog saying that “You’re a trooper for seeing this one,” or shit like this. If it wasn’t for you readers, I would have been able to sleep calmly tonight. Now I need alcohol to numb the pain. If I see one comment saying that I’m a brave man, you will be blocked. I don’t care if you don’t like it and I don’t care if you’re my best friend in the world. It is your fault that I saw this. If I wasn’t loyal to my fans, you could call me Lindsay Lohan.

Thank you everyone involved in this project. You guys raped my childhood so far up the ass that now it won’t be able to walk for a week. You gave me a bad case of the clap just watching it. I’m sure you’ll take it as an achievement for it to win the award of “TONY DEFRANCISCO’S WORST FILM OF THE YEAR,” eh? I saw it for free (THANK YOU MOVIEBUFFS, because there was no way I was paying for it), but I ended up asking for money back, and they gave it to me. “Alvin and the Chipmunks” is the reason why the WGA strike should go on for as long as it has to.

Which reminds me…

DO YOU GUYS WANT TO PUT ME THROUGH HELL YET AGAIN?!

For the third month in a row, I give you FOUR picks to put me through hell. Here are the films. Choose wisely, and please think of me when you vote next time… (Deadline is Tuesday the 8th)

- Uwe Boll’s platter of video-game movies with “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale.”
- Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes and Diane Keaton queef in “Mad Money.”
- A spoof of “300,” “Meet the Spartans” is sure to aggravate me to the point of suicide.

I can already see what you guys are going to pick…