"Mad Money" Satirical Review - Written by TonyD

“Mad Money”
2008
* out of ****
Director: Callie Khouri
Cast: Diane Keaton, Queen Latifah, Katie Holmes


Foreword: Instead of the usual review, I feel like doing something new – a satirical review of a film. This time it just happens to be “Mad Money,” a film starring Katie Holmes, Queen Latifah, Diane Keaton, Ted Danson, and a few rednecks here and there. I won’t state my opinion in this review, but I can (seriously) tell you about the film in four words: Stay the fuck away.


“Mad Money” is a film that deserves to be sent to the Central Intelligence Agency – instead of waterboarding, they can use a more effective method of torturing prisoners. I can see it now – tying people to a chair, arms and legs bound, watching Katie Holmes swimming in a pool of money. I think I would be the first one to fess up about seeing Uwe Boll’s new movie and liking it.

In the opening scenes, we watch three people throw their money away. There’s Queen Latifah burning hundreds of dollars in the grill:

“There goes my paycheck from “Hairspray.” There goes my paycheck from “Stranger than Fiction.” There goes that two hundred and seventy-five dollars that those guys that made me talk about penguins paid me,” says Latifah.

She continues, saying, “I was thinking about buying an exercise machine so I can drop two hundred pounds, but they don’t call me Latifah for nothing!”

The next shot, we see Katie Holmes, setting a trap with her money.

“Tom kicked me out of the house, so I moved into a trailer with my second cousin twice removed,” says Katie Holmes. “He got me addicted to the powder, and one night, we were married. I turned into a whore after that and the drugs now make me look like a Persian hooker.”

“Yeah, I banged my second cousin twice removed,” says Adam Rothenberg. “It started when she started pounding my meat… balls that is.”

And in the next scene, we see Ted Danson grind up money in a paper-shredder. In his new shirt that says “Larry’s Girl,” he says, “I can’t remember the last time I acted since “Getting Even With Dad!”

“Keep grinding,” shouts an angry Diane Keaton. She doesn’t look angry, because her precious white teeth are shining like the clear sky.

“You’ll be telling me that later tonight,” reminds Danson. He hasn’t had any action since he rolled over one night and got his dog confused with Mary. When asked about this incident, he said, “I thought I touching Mary one night, but it turns out that it was Mary with a little bit more fur down there.” He refuses to comment any more about that statement to this day.

Go back three years earlier. Danson and Keaton are three hundred thousand dollars in debt.

“Your teeth don’t need to be THAT white,” says Danson.

“Yeah, well, if you weren’t spending money on hookers and booze, I say that we might able to be able to pay some bills around here,” Keaton shouts back to Danson. She still smiles, showing off her pearly white teeth.

Keaton later has to get a job at the Federal Reserve, where she befriends Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes.

“Don’t tell Katie, but doesn’t she smell like a Persian hooker?” laughs Keaton while talking to Latifah.

“Shoo’ dawg, tha’ honky dribbles ho’ food while’a list’n ta her ah’pod,” speaks Queen Latifah. Keaton shakes her head. “I don’t speak hip-hop,” says Keaton, still smiling from a joke she heard two days ago.

Question: What’s slimy, cold, long, and smells like pork?

Answer: Kermit the Frog’s finger.

Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Anyway, a month passes by and Keaton can no longer afford toothpaste. Her teeth are turning the color yellow and she really needs the money. She gets together with Queen Latifah and Katie Holmes and they plan out a situation.

“Okay Latifah. You’re going to distract the guards with your big bodunkadunk while me and Katie steal money,” says Keaton.

“Wai’! Why me? It becuz I’m…” shouts Latifah, but is interrupted by Keaton

“No, no that’s not it. It’s just HUGE and out there. Unlike Katie’s acting career.”

“Say whaa’? I didn’t hear you with my MP3 blasting,” says Holmes.

“Never mind. You guys have to listen and be smart.”

“Aww,” complains Holmes, “I don’t LIKE being smart.” (And while this review is completely fake, she actually says this in the film.)

“Just think what happens once you get the money though! You can move out of the trailer-park home and move into a real trailer. And Queen Latifah can finally start talking NORMAL instead of talking slang. And my teeth will be white again!”

And it actually begins to happen. They steal the money. Katie Holmes and her cousin move into a real trailer, Queen Latifah doesn’t talk jive, and Diane Keaton now looks like Michael Keaton, but like she assures, they’re not related.

“I swear to god, we’re NOT related,” says Diane.

Michael says differently. “She swore to god. STOMP ON HER ASSCRACK AND STRIKE THAT BITCH DOWN!”

Like I said at the beginning of the review, watching “Mad Money” was such torture. But it’s one of those torture methods that worked excellently.