“Freddy Got Fingered”
Directed by Tom Green
[November 2000: Conference Room – Tom Green, Man #1, and Man #2 are sitting at a table.]
Man #1: Hey Tom.
Man #2: Hey Tom.
Tom Green: Hello Man #1, Man #2.
Man #1: Tom, I just can’t BELIEVE the success from your last movie. What was it called again?
Tom Green: Oh, THAT one. Umm… something like “Trippy Road Trip.”
Man #1: Ah, yes. THAT one.
Man #2: It has made like sixty-six million. Nice job.
Tom Green: Yep it was all my work.
Man #1: Really? What do you mean?
Tom Green: Oh well let’s face it. People only CAME to the movie to see me, ya know? I’m the hottest piece of ass around. I’m so smart that Drew Barrymore decided to date me.
Man #1: Have you gotten a tap at that yet?
Tom Green: Nope, nope, not yet, just… waiting for the right moment. She’s the kind of person with the… you know.
Man #2: Oh, abstinence.
Tom Green: Yeah, that’s the word. I was thinking of abortion.
Man #1: Have you snorted any powder off of her chest yet?
Tom Green: Nah, she’s about three years clean.
Man #1: REALLY!?
Tom Green: Yeah…. NAH I’m just joshing you. Actually, after the god-awful “Charlie’s Angels,” she went back to that stuff.
Man #2: Ah, fuck was that movie awful.
Tom Green: Fucking a jaws that was. Every time she asks me if I liked it, I lie and say yes. It makes me want to do a line.
Man #1: Don’t blame you, sir. Anyway, what can we do for you today?
Tom Green: Okay. Well after the GREAT SUCCESS of “Trippy Road Trip,” I decided that we should create a movie where it was just… ME.
Man #1: You mean like “The Tom Green Movie?”
Tom Green: Yes, but instead of a movie that was just me, it would be me doing some crazy stuff.
Man #2: Really? Like what?
Man #1: Yeah, try and sell the idea to us.
Tom Green: Okay. Well, I really want to say a lot of fucks. Honest to god, I want to say fuck.
Man #1: Yeah, yeah, I get it. Keep going. 
Tom Green: I know a lot of people who can draw too. I want to be able to draw some great pictures. I mean, even Anne Frank could draw.
Man #2: It doesn’t take a retard to do that.
Tom Green: I know, that’s why I’m so good.
Man #1: So what would it be about?
Tom Green: Okay, so it would start as me being the badass I am and skating through a mall. You know, a really BIG mall. A security guard would chase me through and I would later not crash into anything. Because you know, I’m so cool right?
Man #1: Aw that’s so awesome! What would be your character’s name?
Tom Green: I decided to name my character Tom Green.
Man #2: But you can’t do that.
Man #1: Yeah.
Tom Green: Why the hell not? I thought everyone appreciates my name.
Man #1: Oh, they do, but you don’t want to name your character Tom Green. That’s like calling us by our real names.
Man #2: Yeah, we can’t have that.
Tom Green: Okay fine. We’ll call my character Gord, because Gord is like an American name.
Man #2: EVERYONE has their child named Gord nowadays. That’s perfect!
Tom Green: Aw hell yes.
Man #2: Go on with your thoughts.
Man #1: I’m excited to where this is going to take us.
Tom Green: So I am supposed to take this bus to Los Angeles so I can become a fantastic animator like Spike Lee but my mom and dad, that will be played by a Christian mom and a drunk like Rip Torn, buy me a LeBaron, and then I get into a whole argument with my retarded younger brother that I have a LeBaron and he doesn’t.
Man #1: This is fascinating.
Man #2: Truly original.
Man #1: We should get Rip Torn!
Man #2: Ah I know. He hasn’t had a hit film since…
Man #1: “Cross Creek.”
Man #2: Yeah.
Tom Green: This one will definitely be the one to top that film.
Man #1: Ah, it sure will. Christ just the sound of it makes me want to whip out my penis.
Tom Green: Oh, speaking of penis, while I’m driving my LeBaron, I ride by a horse with a red rocket-
Man #1: Hold the fucking phone. What is a red rocket?
Tom Green: Scientists call it an erection, but I call it a red rocket.
Man #2: Ah, I know what an erection is.
Man #1: You do?
Man #2: Yeah, that’s what was going on when we voted for Al Gore.
Man #1: That was called a selection, ar-tard.
Man #2: My bad, dick-poop.
Tom Green: So anyway, I see his red rocket and I immediately stop the car, run onto the farm where his red rocket is held, and I begin to stroke that red rocket.
Man #1: Yeah, stroke that election.
Man #2: Erection.
Man #1: Oh my bad.
Tom Green: So after he spunks, I go back to the car and work at a cheese sandwich factory, where I play with the sausage.
Man #1: They have sausage at a cheese sandwich factory?
Tom Green: Not until now.
Man #2: You’re the smartest man ALIVE!
Tom Green: Ah, yes I am. Anyway, I meet the guy who I’m supposed to pitch my ideas to but then he tells me to get inside of the animals. You remember on “Trippy Road Trip” when I stuck that mouse inside of my mouth and let it sit in there?
Man #1: Yeah, of course.
Man #2: It was classic.
Tom Green: Yeah, well here is the best part. Instead of sticking an animal in my mouth, I actually get INSIDE of an animal.
Man #2: How the hell do you do that? 
Tom Green: With a knife, you silly puss.
Man #1: Yeah, you silly puss.
Tom Green: Doesn’t it sound like a masterpiece?
Man #2: Aw hell yeah.
Tom Green: So, while I’m on my adventures to becoming a star, I see a kid get hurt during every scene he’s in, my friend, played by the talented Harland Williams, breaks his leg and I actually DRINK his blood. And then here is the best part – while I’m at the hospital swinging a baby around on its umbilical cord, I meet a cripple that likes to give blowjobs and get her legs whipped by bamboo.
Man #1: That’s kinky.
Man #2: Yeah, I wish my wife would do that shit.
Man #1: Is that what Drew does to you?
Tom Green: Nah, I don’t let her touch my left and right.
Man #2: My wife doesn’t like to touch my left and right.
Man #1: I only touch my left and right when it is acceptable.
Man #2: It is ALWAYS acceptable to touch your left and right.
Tom Green: Yeah, just ask Rip Torn’s character. Later in the film, once I get tired of his shit, I say that he fingers my little brother.
Man #1: NOT UH!
Man #2: Tell us more.
Tom Green: Well, he really doesn’t, but I figure that the audience loves some incest and taboo.
Man #2: Rednecks do.
Tom Green: Then they will fall in love with this film.
Man #2: Oh, we already do.
Man #1: Yeah.
Tom Green: So do we got a deal?
Man #2: Aw, you know we can’t turn you down.
Tom Green: I know, I’m motherfucking Tom Green. I’m amazing.
Man #1: Oh I know. So before you leave, tell me, what will your character be like?
Tom Green: Like all of my characters – amazingly smart.
Man #2: Of course.
Man #1: Like book smart or street smart?
Tom Green: Both.
Man #2: That’s sweet.
Man #1: I never saw that coming.
Man #2: I want to see you sing a song in the movie though.
Tom Green: Like in “Trippy Road Trip?”
Man #2: Yeah, just like it.
Man #1: Just as good too.
Man #2: Make it a Billboard hit.
Tom Green: Actually I wrote something of my own if you want to hear it.
Man #2: Really? Yeah we would love to hear it. Flip it for us.
Tom Green: Okay…
Daddy would you like some sausage?
Daddy would you like some sausages?
Man #1: That’s fucking boss dude.
Man #2: Do you come up with these ideas by yourself?
Tom Green: Yeah, can’t you tell?
Man #2: Dude you’re amazing.
Tom Green: Oh, I know.
Man #1: Aww shit, I got to go. Guy Ritchie wants to make “Snatch 2.” Gahh…
Man #2: Dude, “Snatch 1” sucked anyway. Why would they want to make a “Snatch 2?”
Man #1: Beats me.
Man #2: I heard he’s getting married to Madonna. Maybe they should make a movie together.
Man #1: YEAH! And it could be a remake of some Italian film.
Man #2: Dude that movie would be fucking great.
Man #1: I’d pay to see it.
Man #2: I’d pay to see it TWENTY times.
Man #1: ME TOO!
Tom Green: How many times would you pay to see MY movie?
Man #1 & #2: TWENTY-ONE!
Tom Green: I thought so.
These guys think you are all idiots.
Whenever there is a good film like “Snatch,” you fucking pay for it with a “Swept Away” or “Freddy Got Fingered.”
Want to prove them wrong?
Show these dimwitted cocksuckers that you are smarter than what they make you out to be.
Next time on UFC: Everyone else has seen it and it is banned in the U.S. - "Battle Royale"
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I never cared too much for Freddy Got Fingered. I loved reading this.
I love Rip Torn, but this one didn't do it for me.
This isn't a long detailed essay... this is some gay skit you made up because you didn't like the movie.
Boo. I am very disappointed.
Who said I didn't like the movie? Like I said, if you dont like what I have to say, don't read, comment, or even come on the site. It turns out that more people viewed this article than any other articles of mine, including "Funny Games," "Welcome to the Dollhouse," and "Ichi the Killer." So someone has to like it. If you don't, oh well. I can't please everyone. I guess the people who do like my skit don't have taste then, eh?
Actually, the truth is I do like your material... most of it.
I was simply telling you i do not feel for this one. I apologize if I offended you with my comment...
However, let it be known that I will be returning. I like Horror Chamber by Andrew Thruber the best.
Anthony Thruber rather. Sorry.