The Shyamalan Experiment: Part 5 - "Lady in the Water"

Part 1:“The Sixth Sense” (1999) ** out of ****
Part 2: “Unbreakable” (2000) **** out of ****
Part 3: “Signs” (2002) ***½ out of ****
Part 4: “The Village” (2004) *½ out of ****


The Shyamalan Experiment
Part 5
“Lady in the Water”
July 21, 2006
½ out of ****
Cast: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jeffery Wright


“The other thing that you gotta look for is my own acting, which is worse… so bad… and I do this, like, girlish, like, girl scout scream, which is very awful.” – M. Night Shyamalan, on an extra feature on the “Signs” DVD


One of my favorite experiments put on film was Morgan Spurlock’s attempt at eating nothing but McDonald’s for thirty days. At the end of those thirty days, Spurlock had gained over twenty-four pounds, increased his blood pressure, and has a better chance of a heart failure than he did before. Earlier this year, comedian Doug Benson got high for thirty days straight. And I highly regret anything in my life, but the only thing that I regret doing with this experiment was not recording the entire FUCKING THING!

Okay, now I can take a movie like “The Sixth Sense.” It had great acting – I have nothing to say about that. If the twist was covered up much better, it would have been better received by me. “Unbreakable” is a fucking classic. I added that to my top thirty after watching it again. When I watched “Signs” again, I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. And as far as “The Village” goes… yeah, I won’t even begin to talk about that one.

I only have one more movie left, and I don’t think I can do this anymore.

Because after watching M. Night Shyamalan’s fifth film, “Lady in the Water,” I really don’t think that I’m doing this for my readers anymore. This is worse than anything that Eli Roth and a chainsaw can do. This is worse than waterboarding. This is worse than being put in a room with nothing but a toilet and a TV, playing nothing but “Hannah Montana.” “The Village” had a few redeeming qualities. “Lady in the Water” is fucking worthless.

Before the film actually starts, a voiceover done by no one other than Paul Giamatti tells us how retarded man has become and how we can’t listen. Ironically, M. Night Shyamalan casts Adrien Brody as a retard in “The Village” and he tries to tell us that WE can’t listen to the true art of his film? Yeah, fuck that shit. Anyway, Giamatti plays some guy named Cleveland, and no, he’s not fat, black, and awkward. This guy is just fat, white, and boring, as is with a lot of Shyamalan’s characters.

He runs a motel with a pool, and one day, he sees a narf named Story (Bryce Dallas Howard) swimming in his pool. She has a message about the fate of the earth. Here at the motel are a colorful cast of characters. M. Night Shyamalan plays a wannabe writer. Cindy Cheung plays a young girl who knows a little bit about narfs. A guy played by Jeffery Wright can finish any crossword puzzle. Freddy Rodriguez plays a guy who can only work out with his right arm.

But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can even compare to the character played by Bob Balaban.

Bob Balaban plays a film critic, who throughout the film irritates the shit out of the viewer by spotting numerous film clichés and reminding us where the film falls flat at. The film critic is not a work of Shyamalan, but it is based off of every single film critic that reviewed one of his films. More precisely, if you thought “The Sixth Sense” was overrated, thought “Unbreakable” was boring, watched “Signs” and felt no sympathy for the characters, and just despised the shit out of “The Village,” you were the inspiration for this annoying and very arrogant character.

That’s not even the best part of the film critic. See, you would think that since this was obviously inspired off of a few different film critics that M. Night Shyamalan would figure out his pacing issues and what works and what doesn’t work. Yeah, well I’m kind of guessing that when M. Night Shyamalan goes to sleep with his toy army helmet on his head he believes his own bullshit. Never mind the critics that criticize your work, but do whatever you want and let people hate you. That’s what George W. did, and that’s why we hate him.

So whenever this critic points out when the film gets the least bit boring, it actually does get the least bit boring. Before he gets killed, he believes the usual film bullshit. When a powerful person that is stronger than the hero tries to kill the hero, the hero will defeat the powerful one. You know what happens after he makes mention, right? And his death isn’t even the least bit impressive, and doesn’t do justice for the time that he’s been in the film.

Well, the critic is the only thing I can really say about the film, because the critic is the only thing that drives the film. “Harry Potter” is so successful is because we believe that we are in their world. The reason why “Lady in the Water” fails is because, otherwise the fact that it sucks, the audience can’t get used to being in this world. Shyamalan’s fans will probably respond back by saying that you are supposed to suspend your disbelief. How can you suspend your disbelief when you already can’t believe that you’re watching such a crappy movie? And you can’t get used to being in their world because there is nothing to picture but the world that you live in. I live right over the bridge from the place where this was shot at and I STILL can’t get into the movie.

Believe me, I would love to sit down and roast M. Night Shyamalan’s career like a pig hanging over a campfire, but this is one of those times when I’m actually begging for mercy. Something tells me that the last film of his will actually be the roughest of my travels. You can’t say that I’m not committed to my job as a reviewer, but you sure as hell can say that there is a time when you just have to stop what you’re doing, look yourself in the mirror, and ask why the hell you’re still doing something as painful as this.


The sixth and final part of my travels, "The Happening," will appear on the site in a few days. No idea when, but until then, there won’t be a UFC article until I’m finished watching all of these movies and have a week or two to heal.