Screeners From Hell: Simon Says

Simon Says
Year: 2009
Director: William Dear
Studio: Lionsgate
Stars: Crispin Glover, Margo Harshman, Greg Cipes
MPAA Rating: R
Running Time: 87 Mins.
Official Website: http://www.simonsaysthemovie.com/

I remember back in my childhood there was a very good family film that William Dear directed called “Harry and the Hendersons”, which was directed stars like John Lithgow, M Emmet Walsh and Don Ameche It was very entertaining and fun to watch. He has also directed the remake of Angels in the Outfield and the upcoming “The Perfect Game”. Back in 2006, he made a film called “Simon Says”

The film is focuses on five college kids, who decide to spend their vacation in the woods. As they find the perfect camping spot, they look forward to a fun vacation of love and fun. But it takes a turn for the worst, when the kids come across Simon and Stanley, twin brothers. Soon the brothers begin to knock off the kids, leading to one gruesome camping trip.

I thought to myself after watching this film, what the hell is a director that has made a career making family films all of a sudden want to direct a horror film? I’m sorry, but this is awful attempt to make a horror film

“Simon Says” is a very unoriginal horror film that does nothing to make you remotely interested. William Dear’s inexperience in making a horror film shows, as everything in this film really made no sense, since this film had no logic to being with. Never in this film, I didn’t feel scared or interested for that matter. The reason for that was the Dear’s direction. It felt like there was no moments of suspense, as he really way too much time with the blood effects and the high body count. It’s boring and makes you wonder why you are seeing this film, in the first place.

The acting was atrocious. All of the young cast members were annoying. They made their characters all clueless like, which made me never care about them. But the worst thing about the acting is the fact Crispin Glover’s performance was just bad. His performances just doesn’t even make you interested in this film, it annoys the hell out of you. It’s sad to say this about a decent actor like Glover, but I don’t know what else to say. The performance was just very bad. If you want to Crispin Glover turn in a good performance rent the “Back to the Future” or last year’s remake of “The Wizard of Gore”. That’s where Glover is at his best.

The screenplay was just as horrible as everything else with this film. There was no attempt into go into the psychology and backstory of the film’s main character, which made the film very hard to sit through. I was disinterested with the character. There was no layer to that character. It was your typical horror villain, as the character’s purpose was just to kill off characters. While were also on the character, they were all characters that you would consider disposable and annoying. That’s what makes you horror stupid, not scary, when the sole focus is to kill people in ten million ways. Films like this should be scary, not stupid. Also, while I’m talking about the stupidity that this film has. The ending was just made no sense and sent up on an uproar. It was like, Dear was trying to set this film up for a franchise. Sorry, I don’t think there is going to more Simon Says films, as this is just fucking awful.

I usually don’t offer career advice, but I have to give it here. William Dear, I know most of the films that you’ve done are made for families. Please stick to that genre; it’s what your good at, as I really don’t want to review another horror film from you ever again.

That why “Simon Says” is a Screener From Hell.