Directed by: Robert B. Weide

Written by: Peter Straughan & Toby Young

Starring: Simon Pegg, Kirsten Dunst, Megan Fox, Jeff Bridges

Having recently been experiencing the joys of “Spaced,” I was feeling a bit of the love for Simon Pegg before I even entered the theatre. As my favorite thing about “Run, Fatboy, Run” was the charm of Pegg himself, I fully expected “How to Lose” to be more of the same. The truth is I could watch Simon Pegg dance for two hours and be happy. With this movie, that is almost what you get.

We did a double feature at the theatre and wisely chose to view this little flick after sitting through “Blindness.” I do not know if you could pick two more varied movies than those two. Regardless, we were eager to laugh and excited to see Pegg making an ass of himself. We managed both, but that might be due more to circumstance than an evaluation of the movie on its own merits.

Based on a book, Pegg portrays an awkward writer named Sidney Young who always says and does the most inappropriate things at any given moment. Through a bit of odd luck, Young manages to get himself hired by a magazine in New York City. Young immediately puts himself at odds with everyone in the office, and with pretty co-worker Alison Olsen in particular. Young stumbles his way through assignments, attempting to stay true to himself but learning quickly how the publishing world really works. Though there is nothing special about the plot (or where it heads at any given moment), Pegg manages to make the ride more enjoyable than it probably should be. As previously mentioned, we are treated to about five scenes where Pegg dances, and I think the price of admission was well spent for the nightclub dance scene alone.

Dunst is likable in the role of Alison and has good chemistry with Pegg. Unfortunately, all of the chemistry is of the chummy, friend kind. I did not and can not buy anything romantic between the two actors, and that kind of makes the story a bit awkward. Still, I liked Pegg and Dunst in the roles even if they did have the wrong kind of chemistry.

Removing Pegg from the equation, the script does have some truly funny lines, but without Pegg, the movie would not be nearly as funny. As much as I like Pegg, one can not help but wonder what the movie would have been like without him. If it had been more of a romantic comedy with a younger lead, perhaps this movie would have been all together different. As it is, you laugh, but the movie does not really stay with you. Pegg is fabulous, but probably miscast for the role. On the other hand, without Pegg, this could have been truly dreadful. The direction is pretty bland and the supporting cast never really seems to shine (although I’m sure the guys out there disagree over including Megan Fox in that statement). Even Jeff Bridges who is supposed to be an imposing character just kind of sits there on the screen. Gillian Anderson’s agent character seemed far more imposing, and she did not do much more than smile blankly.

Funnier than most things I have seen lately, this movie is still only all right. The dance sequences will certainly make you smile, but they can do that on DVD just as easily as they can in a movie theatre.

“Transformers”

2007

** out of ****
Director: Michael Bay

Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel

Earlier this week, I had a fight with some kid about how “Transformers” pretty much sucks ass. Their reason to this was that the robots were cool. Now first off, I could say that the robots were cool, but that would be giving Michael Bay a compliment, and there is no way in hell I’m going to do that after spending two and a half hours watching “Pearl Harbor.” The robots looked faker than Kevin Federline’s rapping skills. If “Transformers” really was so great, then let’s have an actual plot to the story.

And since there isn’t one, I’m going to do my best at it.

Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is the great grandson of the late great Witwicky. I forget what he done and really could give two shits anyway so it’s not really relevant to the plot. He sells all of his great grandfather’s old items though on eBay, so Sam can give two-thousand dollars to his dad to buy him a new car. It turns out that the yellow Camaro that Sam picks out is shitty, and it works when it wants to (or when Sam is being a little bitch, the car slaps the living shit out of him and wakes him up) and doesn’t work when someone disrespects it. Sam uses the car to pick up on the girl Mikaela (Megan Fox), who has secrets of her own that don’t involve lots of makeup.

We later find out (and by we, I mean Sam and Mikaela) that his yellow Camaro is not only a shitty and sensitive car, but a robot in disguise called Bumblebee, and who wouldn’t have guessed its name? Bumblebee is an Autobot, a team of robots that disguise themselves as cars. There are others too that we meet – Jazz, an Autobot that acts like he’s a white version of Dr. Dre; Ironhide, an Autobot that uses “Dirty Harry” phrases to make him sound tough; Ratchet, a boring and pretty unused character; and Optimus Prime, the leader of the group and the only one that actually seems like a hero. These Autobots are looking for Allspark, before the Decepticons (mainly the leader Megatron) get their hands on it.

If you saw this film and didn’t understand the Allspark, well, good. That was the point and you guys weren’t smart enough to realize it. The Allspark is a MacGuffin, a term used by the cinematic god Alfred Hitchcock as a plot device that is only mentioned to drive the plot, but it doesn’t affect the plot whatsoever. Unfortunately, Michael Bay thinks he’s the next Hitchcock and he tries to act like none of us will notice it by asking questions on what was the point of it. The Allspark is just driving us to the action and CGI scenes, or also called “Michael Bay’s Only Talent and It Still Isn’t Good Enough.”

Even the action scenes aren’t anything special. He doesn’t break any new ground with it. It’s the standard gun shots, shakey cam (and there’s a lot of it, and you guys know that I didn’t like “The Bourne Ultimatum”), explosions, and slow motion that you’ve seen in his other movies (and “Pearl Harbor;” I’m sorry but I refuse to call it a movie). And go ahead, say or even THINK the words “Well, it’s not supposed to be ‘The Godfather.’” Well first off, I kind of think “The Godfather” is overrated to begin with, but that’s a whole other story. Secondly, help me out here. It’s supposed to be an action movie right? Where robots are fighting? I’m sorry, but where did they fight? I saw them bitch-slap each other a few times, but that’s about it. All of that hype and I get bitch-slapping is just plain wrong.

Could you guys also tell me what was so action-packed about it? Did you guys LOOK at it the way I did? It is three genres put into one movie, dammit. It’s supposed to be an action movie, but it is more of a comedy of robot’s fighting and there is way too much whining about Shia LaBeouf’s character’s love life. And did you see his eBay user name? His character doesn’t only feel like it has came onto the wrong movie set, but it feels like that Michael Bay wanted his character to be misogynic and a pervert at the same exact time. Action movies are supposed to be filled with action that makes you go “wow” and “ooooh,” but all that “Transformers” made me do was “God” and “boo.”

And Christ, even Bay knows that we don’t give a flying fuck about the characters. He knows that we came more for fighting robots than the characters, so why work on character development? You don’t believe that, “Transformer” fans? Well a perfect example is Mikaela’s character. We don’t know that she had a criminal record until an hour and thirty minutes into the movie. Michael Bay and Tyler Perry would have a lot in common if they really met up with each other. Maybe I can look forward to their next movie called “Madea’s Final Revenge;” taking place in Atlanta, Madea finds out that drug dealers are making a big deal in her neighborhood. The movie will include lots and lots of shakey-cam, and in the last five minutes of the movie we find out that Madea is really a guy dressed up in a fat old lady’s outfit, and coming out of costume is… Martin Lawrence. AHA! ANOTHER MICHAEL BAY TWIST!

I couldn’t even complain about all action and blow-ups, you know. That is if the action was good and realistic and it didn’t get in the way of everything else that was going on. Notice how I never bitched once about the action scenes in “28 Weeks Later,” “Live Free or Die Hard,” “Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer,” and “Pirates of the Caribbean 3,” and I’ll even throw “Rush Hour 3” in there to make it seem like I’m one tasteless motherfucker. I listed those five films for the reason that their action scenes never got into the way of the plot. Instead, “28 Weeks Later” was actually effective and emotional (unlike “Transformers”), the action in “Die Hard” WAS the plot, “Silver Surfer” was fun at least, “Pirates of the Caribbean” was properly built up to the action sequences, and “Rush Hour 3” was funny. That is why I gave them all positive ratings. The opposite is why I gave “Transformers” a negative one.

But I give credit where credit is due, and just because it is a Michael Bay movie doesn’t mean I won’t do that now. You guys know that I love blockbusters with a kickass cast, and Michael Bay (and yes, I’m going to acclaim him for this) doesn’t do that any better than anyone else in Hollywood. That was the only reason that I call “Armageddon” a movie, you know. Shia LaBeouf, Hollywood’s young leading guy, is alright, but only was casted for his popularity. Megan Fox was also miscast. There are tons of cameos, but I’m not going into them. I feel like I’ve already said enough as to why you should not see this.

Do you guys know why “Transformers” made so much money? Its name. One hundred dollars says that. It’s not even a “Transformers” movie. It’s Michael Bay’s wet-dreams at three in the morning. Oh, and its Steven Spielberg’s name that gives it credit for making at least one hundred million of it’s gross. There is no way in hell that “Transformers” makes a good movie. Most cinema goers will like “Transformers,” but Jesus Christ and his Mexican brother Quentin Tarantino, you guys would like ninety minutes of nothing but a bare ass if it was put in front of you on a silver plate (AHAHAHAH “Idiocracy” reference!!!!!!).

As soon as Michael Bay sticks a finger up his ass-crack and pulls out a good movie, THAT is when I will be impressed. Until then, I’ll watch movies that are worth a damn and don’t involve lubricant to have fun with.