Directed by Marco Schnabel
Starring:
Mike Myers
Jessica Alba
Justin Timberlake
Romany Malco
Verne Troyer
Ben Kingsley
Stephen Colbert
Jim Gaffigan
I've been a fan of Mike Myers ever since Wayne's World became the coolest make believe public access show of all-time. I always look forward to anything he is working on, but I have to say that I was really worried about this one since the first time I saw a trailer for it. It got only worse when I saw an extended trailer and saw full clips on the talk show circuit, none of which made me laugh very much, if at all. What a waste of time it was to gather all these talented people together (and Jessica Alba) and make such a stinker.
The Love Guru is mostly a sloppy, stupid mess of a film. I thought the concept was a decent one, (Deepak Chopra is famous for a reason) but a weak plot and screeenplay and uninspired performances spelled doom to whatever promise the project once held. A lot of people used the chic complaint that this was a 3 minute sketch that they tried to stretch into a full length movie. Personally, I think it would have made an interesting short film or perhaps mockumentary. But fear not. I don't think we will worry about having to revisit this character under any circumstance ever again. The film was probably more boring to me than hideous, but I must say that after the 10th fart/booger/shit joke, it started to smell like a bomb. A stink one.
This is most likely Myers' worst film yet. A lot of it has to do with expectations, but after the first 2 Austin Powers and Shrek films, you would forgive us for expecting tons more from him. It also has a lot to do with taking the easy way out. For Myers, at this stage of his career, to settle for excessive and unimaginative bathroom humor is damn near tragic. The bottom line is that I usually visit Myers' films time and time again, even if it's just for a handful of scenes. I can say with the utmost confidence that I will most likely never sit through this film again.
Perhaps the biggest crime here, though, is the aforementioned waste of talent. Besides Myers, Malco, who shined in the 40 Year-Old Virgin and Kingsley, who shines in everything, were nothing short of forgettable. Colbert and Gaffigan were predictably two of the most enjoyable things about the movie, but it was like they were doing their own separate movie, which wouldn't be an entirely bad idea, at this point. Timberlake is pretty good and I believe he has a future in the industry, but he has an annoying tendency to overdo everything. A more subtle approach could spell instant super-stardom in another industry. I actually liked the idea of Troyer getting a speaking role, but he just couldn't pull it off here. At times, Jessica Alba appears to be one of the worst actresses I have ever seen and that is the case here. She is robotic and appears to be lost and not having a good time at all. And the chemistry, or lack thereof between her and Myers is pathetic and a bit uncomfortable. On top of the fact that their being each other's love interests is completely implausible, they just seemed so awkward around each other and Alba just looked like she was desperate to jump out of the screen. One can't really blame her, but that doesn't excuse her atrocious performance.
The idea of using "Mariska Hargitay" as one of the Love Guru's catch phrases was genius, but it was criminally overused and it would have taken a lot more than that to save this film. I'm surprised this wasn't shelved, or redone. It was that uneven and one of the strangest movie-going experiences of the year. I did smile and laugh a few times here and there, but in the end, it was one of the most disappointing films of the year and possibly one of the worst. I can only imagine what people who don't like Myers thought of it...
“I Am Legend”
2007
***½ out of ****
Director: Francis Lawrence
Cast: Will Smith, Alice Braga, Charlie Tahan
Well thank you. Not only did you guys manage to make me see “Bee Movie” and manage to put “Meet the Spartans” at second place in my “Torture Me” contest for the month, but you guys had the gall to pick “Alvin and the Chipmunks over “I Am Legend.” If you really want to know how surprised I was by this movie, I LIKED Will Smith, which says a lot. Maybe he’s begging for another Academy Award nomination again, but if anyone deserves it this time around, it’s him. Between him and Michael Shannon from “Bug,” both playing similar characters, these two will be cheated come the next few weeks.
It’s a shame too, because Will Smith deserves it. You know how I hate giving people that I don’t like kudos, but you know that I will always admit it when they do a good job (which is section 4:23 in the Critic Rule Book). Remember when “I Am Legend” seemed like a shitty movie? Well, yeah, I guess that didn’t last too long. If it only corrected one problem and got rid of a few religious overtones, it would have gotten four stars from me.
Will Smith plays Robert Neville, a scientist who is the last man on the face of New York City in 2012. A deadly virus immerged from a treatment that was used to cure cancer. All of the bridges were broken down and there is no more contact with anyone away from there. Since 2009, Neville and his dog Sam have been searching homes, looking for survivors and food. It’s until that he wakes up the dead, though, that Neville starts to get worried for his life, his dog’s life, and for the life of anyone else if they’re still alive.
From the first few moments of “I Am Legend,” I was engrossed with its story. There is something about Will Smith being all alone in the middle of New York that made me shake. We see posters for a movie between Superman and Batman. We see mannequins around the city that supposedly can walk around. We see things that in this day of age would even surprise us. It’s too scary for words. Why, I’m glad that they got Superman vs. Batman right, because I thought that some people would be too “smart” to put Superman and Spiderman together. What monkey-fuckers!
But I think that if there was anything special about this movie is that Francis Lawrence brings us to such a claustrophobic setting and there is only one character and his dog. Being that there is little dialogue, we see Will Smith interact with “others.” He makes his dog eat vegetables and talks to mannequins in the DVD store (and gives them all names at the same time). He has time to memorize scenes from “Shrek” and watches more movies than I. Is it that he’s going nuts, or is he just lonely? And then something tragic happens, and suddenly, it feels like Smith’s character’s walls are closing in. He begins to feel like his life isn’t worth anything anymore. He drives into a pack of nightwalkers, trying to kill them and himself. Is it him giving up on something that he has been working on for three years and longer? 
Will Smith, as you probably already know, gives a totally amazing performance. As much as I don’t like the guy, I never once said he doesn’t have talent. Between “Ali” and “The Pursuit of Happyness,” I’m glad that he drifts away from his usual character that can talk fast and act jive. There are tons of times where he proves that he could hold a movie like “I Am Legend” on his own all by himself, which he pretty much does with the exception of a few flash-back scenes.
I just had two problems with the movie (and neither of them is the ending, which I liked and thought suited brilliantly to the end of the film). The first one is how the movie starts to talk about religion. In one scene, a character keeps saying that God is telling her things, and then Will Smith shouts back that God isn’t real and goes into a whole speech about it. While I’m still an Atheist no matter where it stands, a movie like “I Am Legend” doesn’t really need a speech about why God isn’t real. It only lasts one minute, but it’s enough for me to say “quit it.”
The second problem is that I’m still questioning what has gone on in the past three years. Sure, the movie implies that he has been doing the same thing everyday, but I want to see more. I want to see the dog grow up and train. I want to see Neville’s first encounter with the Night-Walkers, because it is obvious to me that they had an encounter before the film took place. I want to see Neville grief for a little while over his family. I want to see more of what happened that night. For a movie that should go on for longer than two hours, it only goes on for an hour and forty minutes. I’m not one to bitch about running times, but I think this is that one time where I was almost begging for more.
“I Am Legend” is an almost perfect flick. It’s the reason why films should BE fun. It has an excellent performance by Will Smith and brilliant looking special-effects. It still has its problems to work on, but I guess there is nothing to do about it.
Oh, and after “Meet the Spartans,” I’m done with the “Torture Me” thing. I actually kind of figured now that most of you guys like to see me tortured.
