DIRECTED BY
David Gordon Green

STARRING
Seth Rogen - Dale Denton
James Franco - Saul Silver
Danny R. McBride - Red
Gary Cole - Ted Jones
Rosie Perez - Officer Carol Brazier
Amber Heard - Angie Anderson
Craig Robinson - Matheson
Kevin Corrigan - Budlofsky

Genre - Comedy/Stoner/Action/Buddy

Running Time - 111 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4


If there's anyone in Hollywood who is still giving viewers comedies that actually have laughs, it's Judd Apatow. The man has been on a roll, either producing or directing films that seem to be part of modern pop culture. Is there anyone out there who hasn't heard of or seen ANCHORMAN? THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN? KNOCKED UP? SUPERBAD? FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL? DRILLBIT TAYLOR? Okay, maybe the last one is kind of justified [I haven't seen it yet actually] but the other films are still really funny. Who knew that the guy who produced that short-lived television show almost 10 years ago called Freaks & Geeks would be one of the most powerful and influencial men on the comedy movie scene?

Freaks & Geeks - the little show that did a lot but was appreciated by few during its short run. I was a big fan of the show when it was on NBC during Saturday Night programming [great night to show your program, dillhole NBC executives] but it ended way too soon and confirmed that great, intelligent shows will get cancelled while crap like According To Jim remains on air. But at least the actors on the show have thrived and become bigger stars since. Linda Cardinelli has gone from SCOOBY DOO to E.R. Busy Phillips went from Dawson's Creek to E.R. as well. Jason Segel is now on How I Met Your Mother and starred in many Apatow flicks. But the two that have really made it have been Seth Rogen and James Franco.

Franco has probably had the most prolific work of the two, although his star has only really gotten to shine recently. Winning that Golden Globe in 2002 for JAMES DEAN and starring in those SPIDER-MAN flicks should have made the guy an A-lister. Unfortunately, Franco was stuck in the "guy who broods and whines alot" role, where he wasted his talent in films that were beneath him. It was a struggle because I'm a fan of the guy and watching him do films like ANNAPOLIS and FLYBOYS wasn't really gonna make him a big star. But then I saw that guy who was on Freaks & Geeks during the very disappointing SPIDER-MAN 3, where he pretty much stole the show as The New Goblin and seemed to be enjoying himself again in front of a camera. Add his cameo in KNOCKED UP and it was like seeing a talented actor break the chains that kept him typecast.

Rogen had a longer trip to get noticed, but he did it by sticking with what he knows: working with Apatow and playing the loveable slacker character that we all seem to appreciate for whatever reason. He's pretty much hit it big every time, with THE 40-YEAR-OLD VIRGIN, KNOCKED UP, and SUPERBAD making the guy a bonafide star.

So it's 9 years after Freaks & Geeks and the Apatow/Franco/Rogen team is back on the field, ready to hit a comic homerun in the stoner flick, PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. I was really excited about this one for a while because I remember the great chemistry Rogen and Franco had on Freaks & Geeks and figured the magic would still be there. And I was correct, even though the film isn't a home run. But it's a helluva triple, I must say, and that's good enough for me. So let's light this bitch up and see what comes up in smoke.

PLOT
Dale Denton (Seth Rogen) is your typical stoned pot-head who happens to be a process server. That explains the pot smoking. Anyway, this guy pretty much delivers subpoenas high as a kite and enjoys dating high school girls named Angela (Amber Heard). Dale, on his way to serve some papers, stops by at his stringy haired dealer, Saul Silver's (James Franco), house. Saul introduces Dale to some really good marijuana called the Pineapple Express, which will make one high as a motherfucker - to the point where you'll be walking on clouds. After smoking some pot shaped as a giant cross, Dale continues on with his job, ready to deliver a subpoena to some drug lord named Ted (Gary Cole). While waiting outside in his car, he witnesses Ted and a dirty cop named Carol Brazier (Rosie Perez) kill some other cop. Dale immediately freaks out and makes a lot of noise getting away, putting a target on his ass. Unfortunately, Dale puts a target on Saul as well since Dale dropped some Pineapple Express on the ground in mid-escape, which Ted actually sold to Saul. Wanting to silence any witnesses, Ted sends some idiot lackeys (Craig Robinson and Kevin Corrigan) to hunt them down. Dale and Saul escape and go on the run before the lackeys can find them, seeking the help of Saul's hilarious dealer Red (Danny R. McBride). This is only the start of their problems, as they seem to have started some sort of gang war in which they now have to survive with force. Now where are my Fruit Roll-Ups?

REVIEW
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS isn't the best stoner comedy I've seen but it's still a very funny flick. There's a bit of MIDNIGHT RUN. There's a bit of SUPERBAD. There's a bit of TRUE ROMANCE. There's a bit of FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH. It's a very smart film that's never as lazy as the stoner characters who make the film what it is.

The script by Rogen and Evan Goldberg [who also wrote SUPERBAD together] is almost close to genius. I mean, what film has the balls to have two grown men selling drugs at a schoolyard and getting away with it? Or creating a quasi homoerotic vibe between Saul and Dale that is more funny than shocking? And what about stoners having gun fights with each other in order to survive? It's insane. It's almost illogical. But it works because Rogen and Goldberg believe it works, which helps the actors believe it can work too. We've seen the whole "innocent bystander who knows too much must escape bad guys by devising strategies to stay alive and take back control of their lives" in these action/thriller flicks. But here, the "innocent bystander" has to do this while stoned. Yeah, imagine how well that turns out. You'd think the characters would want to be sober for this mess. Nope, they would rather bong away. Silly but hilarious. The dialogue is mostly funny, due to improv mainly from Rogen and Franco, and you just sit there with a smile on your face wondering if this kind of thing can actually happen in real life [someone gets shot like 5 times and still lives - I thought 50 Cent only had that kind of luck].

I also appreciated that the script felt more cohesive than some other Apatow comedies, since the plot was stronger. I love KNOCKED UP but I could have cut a few scenes from that flick without it hurting the film at all. I have a harder time doing that with PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. It seems every bit has a purpose. There's a point for everything in the film. I do feel that this may have made the film less funny at times since it had to follow the basic storyline. Some parts did drag, especially in the second act, although the car chase sequence almost made up for it [definitely one of the funnier scenes in the entire film - I'll never put my foot through a car window if I'm evading people while driving]. I also thought the action stuff wasn't as tight as it could have been towards the end, but it's definitely a stronger story than most of the Apatow films that have been released. We understand who these people are. We understand why they do the things they do. We accept the consequences without question. It's simple, mature, and smart storytelling that doesn't become a parody of what it's trying to be.

David Gordon Green, who's better known for his indie flicks such as SNOW ANGELS and ALL THE REAL GIRLS, isn't the type of person you'd associate with directing a film like PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. But surprisingly, it really works in the film's advantage. Not only is Green a great filmmaker, he "gets" it. He knows this isn't about winning an Oscar or becoming the next Martin Scorcese or Steven Spielberg. Green is having fun with the subject and not really taking it all that seriously. But he also gives the film a lot of heart, because he shoots things in a way in which we're allowed to care about them. Especially Saul and Dale, who I'm sure most people would find one-dimensional, but are given a lot of depth visually with the help of the actors playing them. The action sequences are energenic and fun. The prologue in black-and-white has style. Another director could have made PINEAPPLE EXPRESS look and feel like a live-action cartoon. But he gives a very ridiculous premise an intelligence I'm sure most filmmakers would totally not bother dealing with. Hell, if you can make a grown man dating a teenager a likeable guy who doesn't seem to want to become an adult rather than making him look like a disgusting pedophile and a paper thin stoner character into a person we can actually identify with, you're doing something right. Green definitely enhances this film. This could have been a mess in less capable hands.

The acting is dead on. Seth Rogen plays the loveable slacker guy down to an art. He knows who the character is. He seems extremely comfortable in the character, giving Dale Denton depth and sympathy even when he does the stupidest things. Rogen is good at not acting in a way just to make people laugh. He's just naturally funny and brings that to the table through his character, not by some silly gimmick [looking at you, Mike Myers].

However, the real star of the duo is James Franco, who has finally come out of that shell he's been hiding under for so many years and liberated himself by playing Saul Silver. The guy is hilarious and has excellent comic timing. It's obvious he was inspired by Sean Penn's Spicolli character from FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, but does it his way. He looks like he's having a blast. I don't think I've ever seen Franco seem more confortable with himself on film like I do here. He takes what could have been a joke of a character and gives him life. He's probably one of the most loveable stoners I have ever seen on film. Originally, the two actors had the roles in reverse, which would have made Rogen "Saul" and Franco "Dale". I'm so glad Apatow made them switch because it works so well and the two have awesome chemistry together. I would love to see these guys work together again. And not in another 9 years either. They're that good.

Big points also go to Danny R. McBride as Red, the missing piece of the trifecta. He talks shit. He gets shot to shit but refuses to die. McBride brings the funny and I literally cried during some of his scenes, especially with Rogen and Franco. I believe McBride is also in TROPIC THUNDER, which is coming out in a couple of days. This guy is gonna be a big comedy star. "Thug life." - Nuff said.

The supporting actors were good too. Gary Cole and Rosie Perez don't do much but are good in their villain roles. They were a bit too generic for me though, which kind of make the good vs. evil dynamic a bit unbalanced, but it didn't bother me much. But they're characters could have been a bit more developed since Dale, Saul, and Red had their share of it.

And I gotta give kudos on the music used in the film. Eddy Grant's "Electric Avenue"? "Tha Crossroads" by Bones Thugs 'N' Harmony? Was that Huey Lewis and the News during the end credits? And did James Franco really utter out N.W.A. lyrics during a gun fight? I have two words for this: FUCKIN' AWESOME.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE...I'M SORRY, WHAT WAS I SAYIN' AGAIN?

- Bongs take away all addictive agents marijuana possesses, according to Saul. I'm not too sure about that. If that were true, how does one explain SONNY, FLYBOYS, ANNAPOLIS, DEUCES WILD, that cameo in that horrible THE WICKER MAN remake...?

- Gary Cole plays a very convincing scumbag. Playing Mike Brady in two THE BRADY BUNCH films will probably do that to a person. At least he still has a job. I'm wondering if that Tiki amulet destroyed Shelley Long's career. Or maybe she's busy making TROOP BEVERLY HILLS 2. Yeah, I like the no career better.

- Don't ever tell another man that you'll love to dip your pen in their company ink. Especially in prison. That kind of stuff leads to situations involving water, soap, and a prostate exam you were not expecting. Zip it!

- Don't smoke pot before watching PINEAPPLE EXPRESS in a theater. Yeah, you'll probably enjoy the film more. But then you'll have the munchies and you'll be buying all that expensive food, leaving your wallets bare to the point where you can't buy another stash. And when you don't have pot to deal with that revelation, it'll only lead to really bad and dark things. Remember - don't help the economy. Help yourself.

*This is a Public Service Announcement paid for by The Wolf*

THE FINAL HOWL
PINEAPPLE EXPRESS is a good time at the movies. It'll make you laugh. It'll probably make you cry because of laughing. It's the best comedy of the summer so far, which isn't saying a whole lot, but it's still a fact. Even though this is a "stoner comedy", you don't need to be on drugs to enjoy a smart, well filmed, and well acted movie. So go out and get high on some PINEAPPLE EXPRESS. If you don't, THE LOVE GURU and the upcoming DISASTER MOVIE will torture you constantly in your afterlife. Nobody wants that fate.

Harold & Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (2008)

Written & Directed by Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg

Starring:
John Cho
Kal Penn
Neil Patrick Harris
Rob Corddry

It's 2008 and America's most dynamic duo is back in action. No, not Tango & Cash. It's Harold & Kumar, the world's greatest stoned rangers since Cheech & Chong. This is no half baked performance, but if you're expecting high artistic merit, you're in the wrong place. (Much like the group of 6 elderly people who walked out of the theater about 15 minutes into the film. I have no idea why they were there in the first place.)

If you enjoyed the first Harold & Kumar film, you're going to like this one, too, but you're probably not going to like it as much. But the film has enough going for it that if there is a third one (stay through the closing credits and you may be led to believe that the door is definitely open) you will probably rush out to see that one, as well. Sure, it's dumb, raunchy and, well, pointless, but it's also a whole lot of fun. I don't feel the need to go into much detail here because once you've seen the preview, most of you already know if you're going to see this movie or not. It's not one of those films you'll be on the fence about seeing. Either you're going to be into it, or you're not going to touch it with a ten foot bong.

Instead of going to Amsterdam, the fellas get mistaken as terrorists and are detained by officials at the airport. They are shortly taken to Guantanamo Bay and almost as quickly escape from there and hi-jinx, inevitably, ensue as the boys encounter a "bottomless party", (topless parties are old hat) an inbred freak show of a little boy in a pimped out trailer home, a KKK meeting and a whorehouse with NPH. And they top it all off by accidentally crashing the President's vacation pad. For a moment, the film actually gets semi-political and I actually had a bit of sympathy for old W when I thought of my old theory that he's simply a puppet that got stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time with the most evil puppet masters money can buy. (I always picture him texting dear old George Herbert Walker this simple message: "Daddy, I don't wanna be President no more :( -- W") But then I remembered I was at a stoner comedy, (I'm not a big fan of the term either, but I don't know what else to call it) which was aided by the fact that soon, H & K were getting blazed with the Head of State. Beat that, Method Man & Redman!

Penn and Cho are great as always and while I think Corddry is rather hit or miss, he was great here. Also wonderful was fellow Daily Show alum Ed Helms, who shines as he attempts to translate Harold's parents mysterious dialect which some of you may know as English. I would have liked to see more NPH, but even a little bit of Neil Patrick Harris is a good thing. Also back are David Krumholz and Eddie Kaye Thomas, who are questioned by the overzealous G-men in association with their buddies' so-called terrorist activities. A disguised Christopher Meloni also returns, this time as a KKK head. On one last note, an enjoyable leftfield performance was given by one Eric Winter, whom--don't tell anyone--I used to love as Rex DiMera on the Days of Our Lives. (Let's not even talk about Beverly D'Angelo. That was just brutal.)

If you're looking for some mindless entertainment that will make you laugh and forget about your worries for a couple of hours, then this is that kind of movie. But you probably already knew that. This movie is not going to catch anybody off guard or convert anybody who didn't like the first film. But it will delight in its own simple way for the audience that it was made for and in this day and age, that's about all you can ask for sometimes.

DIRECTED BY
Danny Leiner (GTWC) & Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg (EFGB)

STARRING
John Cho - Harold Lee
Kal Penn - Kumar Patel
Paula Garces - Maria
Neil Patrick Harris - Neil Patrick Harris
David Krumholtz - Goldstein
Eddie Kaye Thomas - Rosenberg
Christopher Meloni - Freakshow (GTWC) & KKK Grand Wizard (EFGB)
Ethan Embry - Billy Carver (GTWC)
Rob Corddry - Ron Fox (EFGB)
Danneel Harris - Vanessa (EFGB)
Eric Winter - Colton (EFGB)

GTWC - 4 Howls Outta 4
EFGB - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


Stoner comedies have become a beloved sub-genre in the film world of comedy. Ever since Cheech & Chong made being high not only cool, but funny as hell, other filmmakers have followed suit with their own stories of being under the influence of narcotics. Films like THE BIG LEBOWSKI, GRANDMA'S BOY, HALF BAKED, and DAZED AND CONFUSED have showcased the spectacle that is being a pot smoker, bringing laughs to those who know exactly what it feels like and to others who don't. And even though we still live in a very conservative time in our society, a certain stoner comedy has managed to capture the heart of many: HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE. While it wasn't a big success at the box office during 2005, it managed to gain a huge following on cable and especially on DVD. Harold and Kumar became the poster children for pot smokers everywhere with their wacky road trips and getting the girl at the end. The popularity of WHITE CASTLE led to the 2008 sequel, HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY. While the films will never win any Academy Awards or much love from uptight critics, the public loves these films and they both deserve a worthy spot on any "Top Stoner Films Ever Made" list.

PLOT
In HAROLD & KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE, Harold (John Cho) is an uptight corporate analyst who is pretty much used by his superiors and is infatuated with his beautiful neighbor Maria (Paula Garces). He lives with his best friend, Kumar (Kal Penn), who attempts to ruin any chance of going to med school to maintain a life of being a freeloader and slacker. One Friday night, Harold is given a ton of work to do by Billy Carver (Ethan Embry), who wants to party instead of work the entire weekend. Harold's problem ruins his and Kumar's plans of just lounging at their place and getting baked. The two do eventually begin to smoking the sweet leaf while watching television, spotting a commercial for White Castle burgers. Wanting to satisfy their cravings, Harold and Kumar decide to travel towards the nearest White Castle, which is many miles away. However, they get involved in crazy situations along the way, such as riding a cheetah, dealing with racist cops, hot British chicks with bowel problems, some mutant-looking tow truck driver, and a stoned and horny Neil Patrick Harris.

In HAROLD & KUMAR ESCAPE GUANTANAMO BAY, Harold & Kumar continue their adventure from White Castle by taking a trip to Amsterdam to meet up with Harold's love, Maria. However, things start to get wacky again when Harold claims he's being racially profiled at the airport during the security checkpoint search. He also meets up with his stunning ex-girlfriend Vanessa (Danneel Harris), who is about to get married to some right-wing big shot named Colton (Eric Winter). Kumar is reminded how much he wants to get back together with Vanessa and decides to fight for her. However, that plan is derailed when Kumar [being the genius that he is] decides to smoke a bong aboard the plane that is mistaken for a bomb. Some government dude named Ron Fox (Rob Corddry) is on the case, believing that Kumar works for Al-Queda and Harold is part of some North Korean terrorist faction. The two end up in prison at Guantanamo Bay, but escape pretty quickly. They end up in Florida with some illegal immigrants, eventually ending up on another road trip where they encounter a cyclops, some KKK members, George W. Bush, and Neil Patrick Harris again.

REVIEW
Both HAROLD & KUMAR films are more intelligent than most people give them credit for. WHITE CASTLE was a statement on racial stereotypes and how some people take advantage of that. GUANTANAMO BAY is more political driven, as if there's a statement on our stereotype that all Arabs [even though Kumar is INDIAN and not even Middle Eastern - shows how much we tend to assume via appearances] and Asians are all terrorists ready to destroy the United States because two high-profile people [Osama Bin Laden and Kim Jong-il] happen to be Arab and Asian respectively. Both films have a deep message underneath the stoner jokes and the wacky comedy, but it's hard to see that when you're laughing to the point where your stomach hurts and tears are running down your face due to the risque humor that pretty much contorts the R rating in ways that almost surprise me that these films, especially GUANTANAMO BAY, didn't receive an NC-17 rating.

These films both have a fairly simple plot that's expanded in the sake of presenting wacky situations that really don't have anything to do with one another except to push the envelope on one's personal sense of humor. Some people may be bothered by this, but when the jokes work and the script is really funny and clever, they really have no right to complain. While GO TO WHITE CASTLE is the better and funnier of the two films, both WHITE CASTLE and ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY are hilarious films from beginning to end and present great comedy to those who have or haven't lit a fatty up and experienced the euphoria that comes with it. What makes the film so funny is that while both are stoners, Harold and Kumar are two very different people personality wise. They remind me of The Odd Couple but if they did drugs [Harold is Felix while Kumar is definitely Oscar]. The two actors have great chemistry with each other and are very appealing to watch, which make their characters great to watch. The two play off of each other extremely well, making their friendship extremely believable. This helps root for them even when they [especially Kumar] do really stupid things. Without Penn and Cho in the leads, these films wouldn't work at all. They made a thin story seem more epic in scale due to their performances.

I think what makes these films so popular and so good are the situations Harold and Kumar put themselves in. In WHITE CASTLE, we get several classic moments like the whole Freakshow and his really hot wife scenerio. How many times have you heard a beautiful woman ask you to double stuff her in one of her holes or two? And her husband wants to join in on the fun! You don't have to be a pothead to know that's fuckin' funny. And seeing a cheetah exhale smoke out of his mouth is worth more than a chuckle. And what about that game of Battleship, but toilet style? I remember the first time I watched that and couldn't stop laughing for like 3 minutes. But my favorite scene is the "Crazy On You" by Heart montage, where Kumar has sex and marries his big bag of marijuana until the stress of marriage takes his toll on Kumar and becomes verbally abusive towards his grass. Just a great scene period that always makes me laugh to this day. ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY doesn't have that many classic scenes like that, but it does have wacky scenerios. I mean, we have an imbred cyclops person for Christ's sake. Who thinks this funny shit up? And that KKK sequence - yeah, having minorities in the deep racist South is either gonna make you feel uncomfortable or make you have fits of laughter. Plus seeing George W. Bush smoke a doobie just confirms that he's better at running a country under the influence than sober. I also enjoyed that flashback that showed how Harold and Kumar were like before they got hooked on drugs. That was pretty humorous to watch. Plus, any scene with Neil Patrick Harris in any of the films is worth watching. Seeing him play a drugged out and sex crazed version of himself is just addicting to watch. He's come a long way from DOOGIE HOWSER, M.D. and I'm glad for it. The guy is funny and talented as hell.

I do think GUANTANAMO BAY loses some stream after the first hour, as most of the working jokes are in that timeframe and things start being less funnier after that [although the G.W. Bush appearance is funny]. It just reminded me how much I wanted to watch GO TO WHITE CASTLE again because the laughs never stopped in that film. Plus this film is a lot more crude and gross-out than WHITE CASTLE, which I feel sacrificed the comedy for the most part for shocks and giggles. Still, GUANTANAMO BAY is still very funny and worth the price of admission in my opinion.

The direction for both films are very good, even though WHITE CASTLE is in much better hands with Danny Leiner at the helm. It's better paced and has more of a style than GUANTANAMO BAY does. Still, newcomers Jon Hurwitz and Hayden Schlossberg do a good job keeping up with the script. They know their audience and use the visuals to that advantage, creating a very slick film. Both films kind of use the green screen effect at certain times, but that only brings the charm of the film out even more. Personally, I have no complaints about the direction at all.

The acting is excellent in both films. John Cho and Kal Penn, like I mentioned before, are great as Harold and Kumar. Great chemistry, great comic timing, and the great achievement of making us believe them under these abnormal circumstances. Paula Garces doesn't do much in these films as Maria but whenever she does appear, she's spot on. She's also very hot. Grrrrr. Neil Patrick Harris is awesome as his Bizarro alter-ego. Watching him not take himself seriously by humping car seats, snorting coke off a chick's ass, and riding unicorns is a pleasure. I salute you, NPH. Watch after the end credits of GUANTANAMO BAY for more NPH goodness. Rob Corddry was very funny as the racist government agent who used every stereotype in the book about Arabs and Asians to make his points. Couldn't stop laughing at the extremes the man went to. Neither could the crowd I was sitting with. Danneel Harris is absolutely adorable and sexy as hell. She can play the bad girl extremely well, but she makes an appealing good girl as well. Eric Winter played a great jerk and nice foil to Kumar over Vanessa's affections. Plus the cameos you get in both films are insane. From Anthony Anderson, to a homoerotic Ryan Reynolds, to a mutated Chris Meloni, to good guy Roger Bart, to Beverly D'Angelo, to Grand KKK Wizard Chris Meloni, it's full of great talent.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE TELLING PEOPLE I TRIED POT BUT DIDN'T INHALE

- Paula Garces is smokin' hot. I didn't just learn that but I just wanted to say it again in case she ever happens to read this review and want to hook up. Call me, baby.

- Goldstein wants to eat out of Katie Holmes' ass. Too bad Tom Cruise and Xenu beat him to it. They just didn't want to wait for their lives to be over.

- Neil Patrick Harris is one horny, junkie actor. I really hope he didn't meet his boyfriend's mother in that state.

- Escaping from Guantanamo Bay is a lot easier than one would expect. If only escaping news about Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag could be as easy. Life is so unfair.

- Don't ever ride a cheetah. They're so fast that they'll run you into a tree branch and take you into the wrong direction. They can't be trusted. Some animals just don't seem to be able to change their spots.

- G.W. Bush enjoys doing pot. And people wonder why I've never bothered to try the stuff? Who's the cool one now? Ha!

THE FINAL HOWL
HAROLD AND KUMAR GO TO WHITE CASTLE is probably one of the funniest comedies of the decade so far. HAROLD AND KUMAR ESCAPE FROM GUANTANAMO BAY isn't as funny, but it's still the funniest film I've seen since SUPERBAD. It's definitely a worthy sequel and I believe that if you loved WHITE CASTLE, you'll love GUANTANAMO BAY as well. Personally I think GUANTANAMO BAY is the best anti-terror film I've seen in quite a while. And after what we've been seeing on the news for years, we definitely needed a film like this. Who knew stoners were so enlightened? Both films are definitely worth getting high over.

As I was walking out of seeing this movie, a group of people were in front of me talking amongst themselves as they walked out. One of them dropped a folded up piece of paper. I picked it up and tried to chase them down to hand it back to them, but I lost them in the lobby. After reading it (what, you wouldn’t?), I thought I’d share given the nature of the afternoon we just spent together.



Dear Hollywood,

I writing this letter on behalf of the group of young people you so affectionately refer to as ‘stoners’. While we appreciate your trying to speak to our demographic in recent years, I as chair person speak for the entirety of the group when I say, “enough is enough”. We are tired of being talked down to like we should expect nothing more simply because of the choice of recreation we decide to embark on.

To say ‘enough’ is not to say we don’t get it. We get that you are trying to pigeon-hole us into watching admittedly dumber movies because well, we have in the past. But we’ve sat through the last “stoners trying to save, their own ass” saga. I’m sure you, like us, no doubt understand the mathematical equation of the basic stoner comedy.

(s2+ T) x W = A

Or, two stoners plus a ridiculous task times weed equals awesomeness. But if you have a grasp these basic algorithmic concepts, then you surely understand the problems that can occur when you disrupt the flow of control within these individual statements. In computer science, a loop is a sequence of statements which is specified once but which may be carried out several times in succession. Most programming languages have constructions for repeating a loop until some condition changes. This is all well and good, but you flew too close to the sun, didn’t you? While operating under the notion of a condition-controlled loop, you tried too hard to force the idea by creating events that will run on their own; events that would eventually create an infinite loop. The only problem with that is that these loops are only designed to work until an exceptional condition such as an error arises. In other words, an event-driven program may be intended to loop forever handling events as they occur; only stopping when the process is killed by the operator. You sirs, dear operators, have killed this very process. A process that is know and understood by us, and previously held dear – the stoner movie. As a result, we are no longer interested in your product or products of similar likeness.

We will no longer become test subjects in an experiment that does not allow us to think for ourselves. We will no longer watch people of lesser intellect pass off their lack of skill as that of being “high”. While we appreciate what you are trying to do for our own sake, please allow us to respectfully spit it back at you as we have had our fill, thank you.

Not that we would ever tell anyone what to do because, you know, it goes against that whole ‘voice of a generation’ thing we have going, but a few pieces of advice: in the future, when trying to recreate the feeling of our group taking part in our recreation of choice, please do not attempt to “get one over on us” because you think we wont notice. Please do not include players from previously successful movies in your own. If they cannot produce on their own merit, then don’t insult us by assuming just because we see Farva from Super Troopers that we are going to clap and cheer and say, “oooh, far out. Look, it’s Farva!” in response. Please do not include people like Steve Zahn in you film and hope to rest lightly on the fact that he can be very funny, because he wasn’t here. At all. Jonah Hill is not funny, stop giving him work. Aside from Die Hard and those Mac commercials, Justin Long isn’t either. And as cute as it is that your characters in your movie are named after the same people that made it, the next time you all decide to make a movie, do us all this one little favor: Take the paper you were going to waste printing the script, roll it up with your favorite bud (kind or otherwise cleverly named), and smoke it. Smoke like you never smoked anything in your life. Then for the love of all that is holy in this world, we hope you fucking choke on it. Given the choice, next time I’d rewatch Norbit.

Repectfully (of course),
The Stoners

All this time I thought I was the critic. Go figure.

And there’s the rub.

ZERO out of ****