DIRECTED BY
Ethan Maniquis
Robert Rodriguez

STARRING
Danny Trejo - Machete
Robert De Niro - Senator McLaughlin
Jessica Alba - Sartana
Steven Seagal - Torrez
Michelle Rodriguez - Luz
Jeff Fahey - Booth
Cheech Marin - Padre Benito Del Toro
Don Johnson - Lt. Stillman
Shea Whigham - Sniper
Lindsay Lohan - April

Genre - Action/Exploitation

Running Time - 105 Minutes


In 2007, Robert Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino [among other filmmakers] came together for GRINDHOUSE, a three-hour tribute to "grindhouse" cinema of the 1970s. Creating a solid double feature in PLANET TERROR and DEATH PROOF, the experience was fantastic. Unfortunately, the mainstream audience wasn't sold on this idea and GRINDHOUSE did poorly at the box office, only finding its true cult audience with the home video market. Sandwiching the two films were a bunch of faux-trailers to complete the grindhouse experience. One of these trailers was for a film called MACHETE, a character played by Danny Trejo in all three SPY KIDS films. It was shot exploitation style, with classic narration that stated that "They've fucked with the wrong Mexican!" The trailer was a hit - so much in fact that MACHETE was actually made into a real full-length film.

Three years later, MACHETE was finally released to pretty decent success at the box office. Surprising since it's an exploitation film through and through - a genre not really appreciated by the mainstream audience. But with the co-direction of Robert Rodriguez and the diversity of stars that jumped on board, there was no doubt people were going to get curious about MACHETE.

The real question is whether the actual film matches up to the hype of the trailer? Well while I think the trailer is brilliant and the film doesn't completely live up to it, MACHETE is still a solid film that probably should've been made in this modern era of cinema. Yet it's here, and I'm very happy that it was made because MACHETE is an entertaining movie from start to finish.

PLOT
Machete (Danny Trejo) is an ex-Federale whose wife and daughter are slain by an evil drug lord named Torrez (Steven Seagal). Years later and trying to pick up the pieces of his life, Machete is picking up jobs to make ends meet, including one near a taco stand run by Luz (Michelle Rodriguez) - who is in charge of The Network, which helps immigrants get jobs. One day, Machete is hired by Booth (Jeff Fahey), who wants him to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro), a man who is anti-immigration and is losing in the polls for the next election. Machete takes the job, but realizes he's nothing but a mark in a set-up as Machete is double-crossed and is blamed for the attempted hit [which boosts McLaughlin's poll ratings]. Confronted by an ICE agent named Sartana (Jessica Alba), who realizes that Machete is a victim, she helps Machete get revenge on those who fucked with the wrong Mexican(s).

REVIEW
MACHETE is a great homage to the exploitation era of cinema. It has massive amounts of violence. There's a definite sex factor. The dialogue is pretty corny. And the story is very simple and straightforward, even though the message behind it is very calculated. MACHETE could have been a mess of a film if an incapable director was behind it. But Robert Rodriguez lives and breathes exploitation, which helps him find the balance between what works and what doesn't.

The screenplay by Rodriguez and his cousin Alvaro Rodriguez is self-aware of itself and uses it to its advantage. MACHETE is an absurd film and has no problem showing how proud it is of that fact. We have naked women who hide telephones in their vaginas like it was a natural act. We have men taking intestines and using them as means of escape. We have religious figures using God's name in vain and killing others without caring about the consequences. We have politicans being politically incorrect about immigration as if that sort of thing is accepted by the mainstream. We also have men hunting Mexicans for sport! All these moments are so damn ridiculous that they shouldn't work in a film's favor. But both Rodriguez cousins use the irony to create a surreal, yet entertaining film that knows these moments are ridiculous. MACHETE is not a subtle movie in terms of what it presents, which is exactly what an exploitation film should be.

The main subplot that glues MACHETE together is the immigration theme that's presented through multiple point of views. A lot of reviewers seemed to have an issue with this. This isn't because of the issue itself. I mean, the whole immigration debate is probably one of the leading news topics we're currently dealing with as a society. I'm surprised more films HAVEN'T used the topic as a starting point for a story. And I'm not going to sugarcoat it: MACHETE is definitely pro-immigration. After all, we sympathize more with the Mexican immigrants than we do with the "gringos" with political or financial power. I do think some scenes that focus on the issue do take away a bit of the exploitative feel of MACHETE. But it's never really forceful about whether immigration is a good thing or a bad thing. It never tries to push a social platform on its audience. The filmmakers have an opinion and decided to use that opinion in an exploitative way to entertain the audience. I honestly didn't have a problem with the social commentary of the movie. I think it actually enhanced some of it. Did it halt the flow a bit? Absolutely. But it never took center stage, which was refreshing.

My other issue about MACHETE would be the fact that the title character himself almost feels second-fiddle at times. I mean, it's hard to juggle so many intriguing characters in an 105 minute movie. I thought each character had a place in the story and were used appropriately in the story. But the film should have been more about Machete getting revenge on Torrez and Booth, and sometimes the film gets sidetracked from that. But it doesn't happen all that often, which is a plus.

The dialogue itself is instantly cheesy as hell, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Sartana's speech about the border is very hokey and would have been more effective if performed by a more capable actress. But lines like "Machete doesn't text," and Padre Benito Del Toro telling Machete, "I absolve you of all your sins. Now, get the fuck out!" are instantly classic. There's a lot of humor here at the expense of everyone. Americans, Mexicans, religion, politics, the life of a certain actress - nothing and no one is immune to ridicule here.

The gore in MACHETE is off the charts awesome! I kept ooh-ing and ahh-ing everytime someone got murdered. We see heads get cut off, limbs get cut off, gunfire, stabbing, intestines pulled out of bodies, blades through the skull, eyes getting shot, corkscrews through the head, and even a crucifixion scene. This film does not hold back on the violence and I appreciated that to no end. And these moments weren't even disgusting. They were more funny than anything. That's why it works so well.

The direction by Robert Rodriguez and Ethan Maniquis is solid. The film moves at a great pace. The editing is tight. The fight choreography is shot perfectly. I loved the grittier look of the film. It would have fit right in with PLANET TERROR and DEATH PROOF three years ago. Rodriguez and Maniquis are having fun bringing their idea to life, and the audience has fun along with them. I think Rodriguez is a fantastic director who can make incredible movies with shoestring budgets and blockbuster budgets. The man can do no wrong as far as I'm concerned. This movie may be silly, but it has a big heart. If anyone can bring exploitation back in the modern era, it's Robert Rodriguez [and Quentin Tarantino right along with him].

The acting in MACHETE is great for the most part. Danny Trejo, at 66 years old, finally gets a leading role and proves why it should have happened years ago. The man is a presence on screen, making Machete a true bad ass without a sweat. Trejo acts with his eyes, as he has barely any dialogue in the film. You can tell what his character is feeling just by looking at his eyes. That's the sign of a great actor. I don't think he should be leading a lot of movies, but given the right project, why not? He carries the film well and kicks ass too.

Robert De Niro seems to be having fun as the politically incorrect Senator McLaughlin. He's not in the film as much as one thinks, but he looks more motivated on film than I have seen from him in years. And I loved the TAXI DRIVER homage towards the end. Nice to see him make fun of himself like that. Same goes to Lindsay Lohan, who actually surprised me in her short role. It was obvious her April character was a parody of her real life, from the drug addiction, to using sexuality to gain attention, and to filming herself because the public wants to see more of her. I found her to be sympathetic and thought she did a good job. Let's hope this is a comeback for her. I still think she can do great things in cinema.

Michelle Rodriguez was cool as Luz. She was tough and sexy, but it wasn't forced like in some of her other films. It was a more naturalistic performance. It was refreshing to see and I enjoyed her alot. Jessica Alba is okay as Sartana. I thought she was miscast in the role of an ICE agent, to be honest. But she's eye candy, which the exploitation genre used a lot of their actresses for. So it works for me. Cheech Marin was hysterical as the priest. He had the best lines. Steven Seagal surprised me and made a captivating villain. It was nice to see him being part of the joke, since he tends to take himself way too seriously. Don Johnson hammed it up every chance he got and I loved it. And Jeff Fahey rocked it as the two-faced Booth. I think he's extremely underrated and should be in more films - better films. Just a solid cast all in all.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE MAKING SURE WHEN I HIRE TO KILL THE BAD GUY, THAT THE BAD GUY ISN'T ME

- A naked chick had a phone stuck up her vagina. It's the only time the "vibrate" option is preferable.

- Don Johnson doesn't like it when people step on his land. When you burn Nash Bridges with the guy, there's no turning back.

- Lindsay Lohan plays a drug addict. When did an exploitation film because a sad documentary of a troubled starlet's life?

- The Babysitter Twins play a couple of attentive nurses. Um, there's a porn movie in here somewhere, right?

- Michelle Rodriguez was seduced under the sheets by Danny Trejo. I don't know if his 66-year-old heart can take how FAST AND FURIOUS she is!

- Don't confess your impure thoughts and sins to your priest. He'll keep an inciminating file on your ass, causing your future to go UP IN SMOKE.

- Robert De Niro shot someone, stole a taxi, and drove away in it. If Jodie Forster and Cybil Shepard were around, I would have asked Robert Rodriguez whether he was talking to me. Who the hell else would he be talking...he talking to me? Well I'm the only one here!

THE FINAL HOWL
MACHETE is a great film that's well-made in the style of badly made films. Great action. Great characters. Great exploitation screenwriting. Great direction. And a cast of actors that you'll probably never see together in a movie ever again. It's not a perfect film and it may not have lived up totally to the hype around it, but MACHETE is worth the price of admission if you're looking for a entertaining movie that never tricks its audience in trying to be something it's not. Now if we can finally get that THANKSGIVING movie rolling, I'll be a very happy Wolf.

SCORE
3.5 Howls Outta 4

DIRECTED BY
James Mangold

STARRING
Tom Cruise - Roy Miller
Cameron Diaz - June Havens
Peter Sarsgaard - Fitzgerald
Jordi Molla - Antonio
Viola Davis - Director George
Paul Dano - Simon Feck
Marc Blucas - Rodney
Maggie Grace - April Havens

Genre - Action/Comedy

Running Time - 110 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4



Tom Cruise is seen as a lot of things. He's an acting veteran for the past 25+ years. He's an action star. He's a dramatic actor. He's become a comedic actor. He's a Scientologist. He's a complete nutjob. He's delusional about science and the world around him. But the most important part is that he's a huge star with a ton of box office appeal. That's right everyone, Tom Cruise knows how to bring the goods to the silver screen.

Well...that was until his KNIGHT AND DAY, 2010's supposed summer action blockbuster, failed at the box office and has become Cruise's lowest grossing action film to date. With the media backlash [even after his hilarious turn as Lou Grossman at 2010's MTV Movie Awards] and reviews from critics who pretty much bashed KNIGHT AND DAY, the film did a dismal box office take in its first weekend and has dropped dramatically ever since.

Which is a shame, because the film isn't all that bad and is made for the mindless summer blockbuster season. However, there are flaws to KNIGHT AND DAY that make it a possible watch instead of a must-see event.

PLOT
Roy Miller (Tom Cruise), is an FBI agent who may or may not have gone rogue, but is definitely in possession of a ultra-powered battery that everyone seems to want a hold of. He bumps into June Havens (Cameron Diaz) at the airport as she's about to catch a flight to Boston to attend her sister's (Maggie Grace) wedding. While June seems to be smitten with Roy, Roy is using June as a mule for the battery without her knowledge. On the flight, Roy is attacked by assassins and murders them all, taking June as a partner/hostage.

After some hilarity, Roy tells June that FBI agents (Peter Sarsgaard and Viola Davis) want this battery and that they'll tell her that he's insane and not to be trusted. Not sure who to trust at this point, June decides to go along with Roy's story, causing her to be caught up in Roy's life of espionage. Also, they fall in love...like you couldn't guess that.

REVIEW
KNIGHT AND DAY is mostly a fun, mindless action film that is a more comedic and cartoon-ish version of the MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE franchise [also starring Cruise]. You're caught up in the excitement, the visuals are nice, and it's well paced. Unfortunately, there's something missing about KNIGHT AND DAY that makes it a standout.

Let's deal with the positives first. The acting is very solid in KNIGHT AND DAY. Say what you want about Tom Cruise's personal life, but no one can say he's a terrible actor. In fact, he's the best part of the film and carries it quite well. We all know Cruise can handle action and he does that fantastically here, doing most of his own stunts and having fun riding his motorcycle through Spain while bulls chase him and assassins want to shoot his brains out. But Cruise also brings on the funny here, really making Roy a certifiable lunatic in terms of his actions and behavior. This makes him engaging to watch, as he's always confidence, charismatic, and definitely excited to be on screen. I wish he had better material to play off of here, but Cruise makes it work and it's a joy to watch him do what he does best.

Cameron Diaz, who I usually find pretty annoying in most films to be honest, is actually more than okay here. She plays the confused and neurotic June to perfection and actually looks pretty cute doing it. While she does have her action moments, especially towards the end, she's mainly the girlfriend/eye candy role that we usually see in action films. But she handles it well and maintains incredible chemistry with Cruise [who already worked together in 2001's VANILLA SKY]. I wouldn't mind see them do another film together.

The other actors are also very good, but they're not given much to do. I will say that Peter Sarsgaard and Marc Blucas are the standouts in the supporting roles. Sarsgaard's role is very predictable but he does the most with it. And Blucas has a funny scene with both Cruise and Diaz that's one of the better moments in the film.

The direction by James Mangold is also very good, even though it's not his best work as a director. Comparing KNIGHT AND DAY to his work on GIRL, INTERRUPTED, 3:10 TO YUMA remake, and especially WALK THE LINE, isn't really fair. But Mangold shoots the action scenes well [even though I noticed Cruise's stunt double very clearly in one shot that made me laugh] and he keeps the film light-hearted. Mangold seems more focused on the chemistry and relationship between Roy and June rather than all the exciting stuff that's around them, which doesn't hurt the film much at all. In fact, I'm glad Mangold focused more on the comedy than on the action, since it takes stale premise and adds something to it to make it a bit staler. Nice direction all around.

The action sequences are also fun, even if they are pretty much action film norms. From the running of the bulls scene, to the rooftop chase, to shootouts in a warehouse, and to dealing with explosions on an island, they're everything you'd want in a film like this. They're over-the-top and pretty implausible, but the film never takes itself all that seriously anyway, so I have no qualms.

What makes KNIGHT AND DAY suffer, however, is the poor script by Patrick O'Neill. While the film does manage to get to point A to point B to point C, it doesn't really develop the journey much to really be memorable at the end. The subplot with the battery is sort of a McGruffin, even though it is the reason why the events occur. It felt like an afterthought to me because it wasn't really the focus of the film. I was too busy wondering why June would fall in love with Roy one minute, want to beat the shit out of him the next, and then fall right back in love all over again. I don't think characters in romantic comedies are that confused.

That brings me to the characters here. The development doesn't really exist for anyone other than Roy and June. Roy is the ultimate spy - reckless, cocky, full of expertise and superhuman abilities, and always one step ahead of everyone else. You even question if the guy is a hero or a villain, especially during the first half of the film. Obviously O'Neill was focused on Roy more than anyone. June is less developed, which you can tell because she likes to talk to herself alot to explain how she's feeling so the audience can understand - i.e. lazy screenwriting. We barely share in her family life and she seems so desperate for a man that it's off-putting at times. I was never sure what to make of June. The only thing that saved the character was Diaz's performance.

And the supporting characters really get the shaft here. June's sister is barely in the film, even though the reason June goes to Boston is for her sister's wedding. Maggie Grace gets barely three minutes of screentime. Rodney, played by Blucas, seems like a foil for Roy over June's affections, but he just comes off as a likeable dolt who also happens to be a firefighter. Not much is done with him. And Fitzgerald is pretty much a predictable action character [I won't spoil it] but Sarsgaard deserved better.

I will say I did enjoy much of the dialogue, as it was witty and funny. So that's a plus.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE NOT MAKING FUN OF TOM CRUISE'S RELIGION [OKAY...ALMOST]

- Roy and June constantly bump into each other at the airport. Either it means the two are destined to be together, or one of them is a filthy, clumsy bitch who deserves to be smacked around, even if they are holding a baby in their arms!!

...Sorry. Mel Gibson likes to possess me every once in a while. Moving on...

- Roy had to deal with assassins on an airplane. If Harrison Ford was President, those bastards would have gotten off of the plane and it's be the end of that!

- Roy hit a scarecrow while landing a plane. He should be less worried about a brain and more concerned with getting better life insurance.

- Roy managed to survive being squeezed in between two cars inside of a tunnel. That's the power of Xenu, baby!

- Roy wanted a waitress to serve everyone pie inside of a diner as he held June at gunpoint. Only on The L Word does everyone get a piece of pie, Roy. Only on The L Word.

- Roy shot Rodney in the leg as he tried to save June. Man, he used to be able to take more than that. Ever since he broke up with Buffy, his boring ass got weak!

- Roy and June got cozy on a private island. Because islands in the stream, that is what they are. No one in-between, how can they be wrong?

- June followed Roy as he tried to make a deal for the battery. Some women just don't have any faith in their man. I say don't trust a ho. Never trust a ho. Hell, I won't trust a ho 'cause the ho won't trust me.

- Don't steal someone's battery. Unlike it, you won't keep going and going and going when it explodes in your face.

THE FINAL HOWL
KNIGHT AND DAY is a good action film if you don't want to think too much. Basically, perfect for summer escapism. Unfortunately, the story is pretty weak and the characters could have been developed better for the audience to care more about what they were watching. But the acting is solid [especially by Tom Cruise, who's career ISN'T over yet] and the direction is good. It'll make a good date movie and a definite rental when it's released on DVD and Blu-Ray.

DIRECTED BY
Andrzej Bartkowiak

STARRING
Kristin Kreuk - Chun-Li
Neal McDonough - M. Bison
Chris Klein - Charlie Nash
Michael Clarke Duncan - Balrog
Taboo - Vega
Robin Shou - Gen
Moon Bloodgood - Detective Maya Sunee
Edmund Chen - Xiang Huang
Josie Ho - Cantana
Elizaveta Kiryukhina - Rose

Genre - Action/Video Games

Running Time - 96 Minutes

Score - BOMB


Dear Hollywood,
Hi. How are you doing? It's Fred again. I'm not sure if you received any of my previous letters, but I've made it quite known that you and I have not been seeing things eye-to-eye lately. You already know how displeased I am with the remake trend. You know that the whole "let's extend a tired franchise with another sequel" has been getting on my nerves. And now I have another concern: the continuation of video games-into-films adaptations. Let me give you some advice:

Just stop. JUST. STOP. PLEASE.

It's been, how long, and you guys still can't create an adaptation that will please both fanboys and casual film goers? From DOOM, to RESIDENT EVIL, to BLOODRAYNE, to SUPER MARIO BROS., you guys are really yanking my chain with really poor adaptations. Sure, you've hit a few triples - MORTAL KOMBAT and SILENT HILL ring to mind - but the success rate compared to the failure rate is more miss than hit.

Let's add STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI to the failure list. I understand the need to erase the bad taste of the original 1994 STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE by rebooting the franchise. But doing a film based on Chun-Li instead of Ryu and Ken was a really bad move. You know what else is bad? Making me want to see STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE over this piece of garbage! When the original film seems like a more fun experience to watch than the update, we have a serious problem.

PLOT
Chun-Li (Kristin Kreuk) is a young girl who dreams of a simple life as a concert pianist. Her dreams are almost shattered when her father (Edmund Chen), a martial artist who is also a businessman with connections, has a run-in with evil businessman/crime lord/leader of Shadaloo M. Bison (Neal McDonough) and his henchman Balrog (Michael Clarke Duncan). Chun-Li witnesses the two men kidnap her father, leaving her full of vengeance until she's much older. Coincidentally, a mysterious scroll leads her to Bangkok to find some guy named Gen (Robin Shou), who happens to be a former member of Shadaloo and an enemy of M. Bison. Meeting up, Gen decides to take Chun-Li under his wing, teaching her ways to fight against Bison and the rest of his organization.

While this goes on, some Interpol agent named Charlie Nash (Chris Klein) arrives in Bangkok to take down Bison. With the help of a local detective named Maya Sunee (Moon Bloodgood), their paths intertwine with Chun-Li's - leading to more destruction and boredom.

REVIEW
I have three words for STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI:

WHAT THE F***!?

Say what you will about STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE. Yes, it's a horrible film. Yes, it had nothing to do with the video game itself. Yes, it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as an AMERICAN with a BELGIAN accent. But at least it was bad to the point where you could sort of make fun of thing for its psuedo-camp factor. Unfortunately, THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI is not campy or bad enough to really make fun of it. It's just a boring, confusing mess of an origin story for a character in a franchise that doesn't really deserve one.

Written by inexperienced screenwriter Justin Marks, he thought it would be a great idea to focus on a Street Fighter character that people loved. While Chun-Li is my personal favorite character in the franchise to use in the video game series, I never really wanted to have a 90 minute backstory about her. But Marks sure did, only for the sexy Kristin Kreuk to show her flexibility and for her hotness to overcompensate over how bad the script is. I wouldn't have minded if the story was simple and straight-forward enough for me to invest in the characters and actually enjoy seeing the plots flow together and make sense. But nothing here is logical and there's just too much going on for what's supposed to be a reboot/origin story. We have Chun-Li's revenge arc. We have Bison's shady business deals that are so weak and don't amount to much that I'm left wondering what the point was. We have supernatural things where consciences are being implanted in and out of souls. We have the stereotypical training montages that lead to a horrible fight sequence at the end. We also have the whole sub-plot with the cops who may or may not shag. I mean, how do all these things mesh together? It's like Marks vomited his ideas on paper and decided to attempt putting them together like a jigsaw puzzle, not realizing that the pieces don't go together at all. It actually made the film seem longer than it should have been because story arcs would continuously appear without resolving the others. Instead, he wrote a freakin' psuedo-lesbian dance sequence in between Chun-Li and Cantana that just left me scratching my head. IT WASN'T EVEN SEXY!! How do you mess up a lesbian dance sequence between two hot chicks? This guy should not write another screenplay again. BANNED, I DECLARE THEE! BEGONE!

Speaking of character development, there's not much here. Sure, we see Chun-Li's evolution from innocent little girl to revenge-filled ninja wannabe. But it doesn't progress as well as it should. We constantly get voice-over narration by Chun-Li about what she's been doing or what she will do. But we never see these things. So it's all telling and not enough showing, which hurts the narrative greatly. Same goes to Bison's backstory, which is given maybe five minutes and it's just him mainly killing his wife to send his conscience into his baby daughter's soul. Why he does this is never even explained. I guess he couldn't just be an evil bastard who wanted to hurt people to display his great power. He had to send his good side to someone else to explain his villainy. Uh huh. And don't get me started on the two cop characters. There was supposed to be sexual tension between them, but we know NOTHING about these two or why they would even want to bang each other to begin with. I guess Marks figured there had to be a love story in the flick and he inserted these two idiot characters to do that. And adding Vega just to have his ass kicked within 2 minutes like some pussy? Like I said...BEGONE!

I won't even mention the dialogue. It makes the original STREET FIGHTER read like Shakespeare. So cliched. So ridiculous. And even the actors seem ashamed to recite them. They sure weren't ashamed of that nice paycheck though. Greed...gotta love it.

The fight choregraphy and the SFX to THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI are pretty lame. The SFX pretty much consists of Gen teaching Chun-Li her fireball move, the Kikouken. And it looks really REALLY bad. The fact that the fireballs in both DRAGONBALL and MORTAL KOMBAT looked better is pretty sad. The fight choregraphy was also pretty bland. Lots of wire work used here, but the fights are very disjointed and too damn short. I think the longest one was probably 8 minutes and that was the final battle between Chun-Li and Bison. EIGHT F**KIN' MINUTES. This is a movie for a FIGHTING game and we barely get FIGHTING.

F*** YOU, FOX AND CAPCOM.

Not only that, but no one uses their special moves! Okay, Chun-Li uses that damn fireball and at one point does her Spinning Bird Kick [which knocks everyone down and out even though she makes no contact with them], but where's the Lightning Kick? Where's Bison's Psycho Crusher? Or Vega's Wall Jump moves? Hell, where was Balrog's...um, what does he do again? Yeah, STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE did more special moves than this one. Sad, I know.

I don't blame the fighting technicians or stunt actors for the crappy fight scenes. I blame the director of the film, Andrezj Bartkowiak, for that. For a guy who directed CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE, EXIT WOUNDS, and DOOM, I would think he would know how to capture action on film. Nope, he makes it seem fairly dull and an afterthought. The fight scenes are edited poorly, clearly showing the actors not making contact with each other. They're also edited in a way where tension is lost and you're not excited to watch what's going on at all. At least that feeling is consistent with the rest of the film, which just seems to meander as it continues, destroying all signs of good pacing and making the film feel like an eternity to finish. I will say the cinematography is very nice but that's really the only GOOD thing I can say about this film. A director should be able to make multiple sub-plots visually seem as if they all relate to each other. Not this guy. A director should make a fighting movie feel like a fighting movie. Not this guy. A director should make a sexy dance scene between two very attractive women seem titlating. Not this guy. I have one word for this guy:

HACK!!!

The acting was just as abysmal. Kristin Kreuk, best known as Lana Lang on Smallville, does her best with the material as Chun-Li. I'll give her credit for doing her own stunt work and trying to deepen the shallow script and characterization, but it's in vain. She doesn't have the range to really carry a film like this. And her voice-over narrations were really painful to hear. It sounded like she was bored reading her character's thoughts. And I was bored hearing them. Neal McDonough, from a whole bunch of sh** typecast as the villain for pretty much all of them, is totally miscast as Bison. He's supposed to be Irish but has an accent that switches between that, British, and American. It's actually pretty funny to hear. And while he does make a cool villain in some other films, he just feels like a joke here. Michael Clarke Duncan does nothing of note as Balrog but laugh, smile, and flex his muscles. Must have been a nice paycheck. Robin Shou will be torched by all MORTAL KOMBAT fans for committing treason by going over to STREET FIGHTER and playing Gen - and playing him horribly as well. Wooden and cold is the best way to describe his performance. Moon Bloodgood, from TERMINATOR: SALVATION and recently Burn Notice, is actually decent but isn't given anything to do but show some cleavage [which was very nice by the way, thanks]. But the worst actor has to be, hands down, Chris Klein as Charlie Nash. I have no idea how this douche is still getting acting jobs. He can't act. He has this smirk on his face that makes me want to knee him in the junk. He's a wannabe playing a wannabe ladies' man, growing a five o'clock shadow to look cool and sporting hair that's about to be sued by Nicholas Cage for copyright infringement. Klein either overacts or underacts throughout the entire film, becoming the stereotype of a badass cop but looking just like an ass instead. And what was up with the voice he used here? He was trying to be Clint Eastwood and shit. Sounded more like David Caruso to me.

THINGS I REFUSED TO LEARN WHILE WONDERING WHERE THE F*** WERE RYU AND KEN [a.k.a. THE REAL STARS OF THE STREET FIGHTER FRANCHISE]
- Chun-Li had a Caucasian mother. Nice to see some women who don't believe in the "Size Matters" theory. Oooh BURN!!

- Michael Clarke Duncan, an Academy-Award nominated actor, plays the American boxer, Balrog. I guess walking down THE GREEN MILE makes you DAREDEVIL enough to star in really sh*tty films.

- "Show a prisoner the world and all he sees are the bars on the window." He also sees the soap on the wet shower floor. No one talks about that but it's a pain in the ass to bring up anyway.

- Some scroll reader told Chun-Li to "Go to Bangkok... Find Gen to find out what you are missing." I heard that's how Asia Carrera got into porn.

- Robin Shou, who played Liu Kang in the MORTAL KOMBAT films, plays Gen. Wait a minute...a MORTAL KOMBAT actor in a STREET FIGHTER film!? Not only is that fanboy treason, but I think Shou just performed a Hara-Kiri on his career. FATALITY!

- In order to get closer to the enemy, Chun-Li had to initiate with a lesbian dance with one of Shadaloo's female heads. It was like an episode of The L Word, except the L stood for Lame. How sad...

- Bison beat up Cantana, literally using her as a punching bag, after she got her ass kicked by Chun-Li. If he wanted to torture her this badly, he should have just sent her to Detroit.

- Bison had to transfer the good part of his soul to his unborn child... by ripping the belly of his pregnant wife open in order to do it. He could have just used a Ouija Board or a bouncing bed like everyone else. Sheesh.

- While trying to kill Chun-Li, Balrog got distracted when a watermelon was thrown at his head. Since the stereotype is deliciously obvious, I'll keep my mouth shut on this one.

- Nash wanted everyone to run away from the scene when he noticed a bomb waiting to explode. If that's the case, shouldn't they have refused to sign on for this project?

Oh...wrong bomb. My bad.

THE FINAL HOWL
When will I watch a good film for once? Not that I was expecting STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI to be any good. I wasn't expecting it to be this horrible either. From a horrible script, lame action and lesbian sequences, and terrible acting led by Chris Klein, THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI cements that 2009 is one of the worst years in terms of cinematic quality. How this ever get released to theaters is beyond me! Just stop the video game adaptations. It's never gonna work. For the sake of my sanity, just end it. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. I'm sending this bitch into the WTF? Vault with a big Hadoken!

DIRECTED BY
Renny Harlin

STARRING
John Cena - Det. Danny Fisher
Aidan Gillen - Miles Jackson
Ashley Scott - Molly Porter
Steve Harris - Special Agent George Aiken
Brian J. White - Det. Hank Carver
Gonzalo Menendez - Special Agent Ray Santiago

Genre - Action

Running Time - 108 Minutes

Score - 1 Howl Outta 4


Movies like 12 ROUNDS make me glad most of the time that I'm a single guy. I wouldn't want to deal with some person who I made angry in the past, who has kidnapped my girlfriend and is now putting me through twelve trials just to prove my love and get her back alive. Unless he kidnapped my ex-girlfriend. That bitch doesn't deserve my blood, sweat, and tears.

My ex also deserves a film like 12 ROUNDS, which is extremely dumb for even "dumb action movies" standards. While it's an improvement over WWE Films' first John Cena vehicle, the nauseating THE MARINE, 12 ROUNDS is about nine rounds away from being a action film worth watching. Let's see why Vince McMahon should rethink about this whole movie business...

PLOT
Danny Fisher (John Cena) is a New Orleans Police Detective with apparent superabilities and a string of bad luck. During an FBI sting operation the year before, Danny and his partner Hank Carver (Brian J. White) chase down some international arms dealer and terrorist named Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen) and his accomplice girlfriend, Ericka (Taylor Cole). Hank gets shot, but Danny manages to reach the two criminals. Unfortunately, Ericka is murdered by being hit by a van during her escape, managing to stun Miles long enough to be arrested - and to wish revenge on Danny for "murdering" the love of his life.

Present day, Miles somehow escapes prison and kidnaps Danny's girlfriend, Molly (Ashley Scott), as a way to pay Danny back for Ericka's death. Unlike a real villain, who would have murdered the girlfriend of his enemy right away, Miles decides to be a douche and play a game with Danny. This game involves putting Danny through 12 rounds of dangerous situations. If Danny completes all 12, he gets Molly back. If not, both of them are dead. But as Hank and FBI Agents George Aiken (Steve Harris) and Ray Santiago (Gonzalo Menendez) join the case, Miles true intentions start to reveal themselves. Is it just a case of simple revenge? Or is there something much more in play here?

REVIEW
I have three words for 12 ROUNDS:

WHAT THE F***!?

12 ROUNDS is a film with an interesting concept but executed really poorly like most Hollywood film ideas these days. It should be a fun film. It should be an exciting film. But it's boring, more predictable than any action film should be, and not all that memorable once it's over. When I'm wishing the hero to FAIL at his goal in an action movie, we have a major problem.

The story, written by Daniel Kunka [who never wrote a screenplay before this one], was obviously inspired by DIE HARD, SPEED, and probably THE FRENCH CONNECTION. The screenplay is so inspiring that I was wishing that I was watching those films instead of this one. The story is pretty bad for action standards. The 12 rounds gimmick is a pretty cool one - if it was done right. But the way they're used here just drags 12 ROUNDS down. Why 12 rounds? Why not 6 or something? Would it have made a difference? And they were mainly about receiving phone calls and demolishing city property. Ooh, exciting. Most of the rounds require some sort of deadline, I assume, to increase the tension and suspense. What's laughable is that for those that don't have a deadline, the characters just decide to make one on their own just for fuck's sakes. How in the hell does Danny know he has to reach a certain destination in a minute if Miles never told him? I guess that's why he's a fake Police Detective and I'm not. At least the rounds keep the film from going completely stale, even if they are pretty lame rounds.

The character development in the film is pretty non-existent. While I like stereotypes as much as anyone [i.e. the Hero, the token kidnapped girlfriend, the James Bond-ian villain, the best friend who's gonna bite it], it doesn't increase a viewer's interest in the weak narrative. With the main sub-plot being Danny's mission to save Molly from Miles, it would have helped if we knew what kind of relationship Danny and Molly have to make us care. They barely have two minutes on-screen time together before Molly gets kidnapped, to which Danny overreacts about and risks his own life to save her. For me to understand the driving force behind Danny's motive, I need to understand the complexity of his relationship to his girlfriend. Instead, Danny is given a girlfriend because it's an action cliche and it has to be in the script. There's no other reason for it to exist otherwise. The whole thing feels forced and uninteresting. I thought Miles relationship with Ericka was more developed, and Ericka was barely in the film. That's pretty sad. And I gotta say - why is Vince McMahon putting John Cena in movies where he has to save his wife or his girlfriend? What's next? John Cena having to save his boyfriend or something? It's getting old and stupid.

And even though this film is supposed to be about Danny chasing after Miles, I found the smaller sub-plot with Steve Harris' character to be more interesting. George Aiken had a grudge with Miles over something from the past, constantly playing with a Hot Wheels car as a reminder. It made me wonder why he had this toy and why he kept opening and closing the hood. Also, what did Miles do to Aiken that turned the guy into such a prick? He was the most interesting character in the film because he actually made me want to know MORE about the guy. Wow, what a novel concept. I wish 12 ROUNDS had more moments that caught my interest. Aiken should have been the main character, not Superman Danny Fisher.

The action sequences, just like in THE MARINE, are pretty implausible and just overall ridiculous. Watching John Cena fly with his limbs extended when he's near an explosion just make me chuckle for all the wrong reasons. We get a bus scene that's a lamer version of SPEED. We get a long sequence with a trolley that can't brake, so Danny and Ray Santiago stop it - by driving their car into the New Orleans power supply in the middle of some street.

Are you f**kin' serious?

We also get Danny sliding down something outside of a tall building because it's QUICKER to kill himself doing that than running down 10 flights of stairs.

Rrrrriiiiiggghhhtttttt...

And let's not forget the helicopter battle at the end. And Danny barely got a bruise or a scratch on him. But he sure was really sore!

Puh-LEEZE!

Renny Harlin [director of DIE HARD 2, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, the awesome CLIFFHANGER, the not-so-awesome THE COVENANT, and countless others] does a barely mediocre job behind the camera. While the film looks visually more appealing than anything in THE MARINE, there were still problems on the technical front. For a 108 minute film, it felt twice as long. Also, we could have had some cool action sequences in the film. Unfortunately, Harlin decided that using annoying quick cuts and an unnecessary amount of shaky cam would be friggin' cool!

No, it's not!

I also felt that Harlin used too many sequences where cars were exploding and property was getting destroyed. I understand it's an action film, Renny. You don't have to force it! I appreciate that Harlin tried to make 12 ROUNDS feel like an 80s and 90s over-the-top action film. But those films [the good ones anyway] had a heart and soul behind the destruction. 12 ROUNDS is just heartless and soulless, no matter how much Harlin was trying to put life into it.

The acting was a mixed bag here. John Cena actually does a better job acting-wise than he did in THE MARINE. He plays Danny in a simple, determined, and sort of likeable way. He can also handle the action stuff decently - running, jumping, and climbing all over the place. I just wish the role was fleshed out more and it allowed Cena to emote a bit because the man does have charisma and presence. But given the quality of the script, that wasn't gonna happen.

Wait...do you hear that Cena? I think Dwayne Johnson is laughing at you. Hmmm.

Aidan Gillen was probably the best actor as the villainous Miles Jackson. While a complete dumbass story-wise, Gillen makes the character sort of funny in a suave and sophisticated way. I kind of wished he were in a better action film because I could totally buy him in the role if better material was involved. Ashley Scott is just the eye candy as Molly. She looks bored and acts like she's sleepwalking through the role. I don't blame her. What fun is it to just act kidnapped? At least make her show a boob or something! She's hot AND can act!!! Steve Harris was good as George Aiken. He convinced me with his prick attitude. Brian J. White was also decent as the best friend. He definitely was more fun to watch than Cena and Scott. Why were these two the main focus again?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE GIVING UP AFTER THE FOURTH ROUND

- Danny said that "you get two things when you're a cop: a gun and a badge." Apparently the steroids led to the loss of his nightstick. Ooh...BURN!!

- Molly told Danny that even though he had 10 minutes until he started his shift, it would only take him 2 minutes to finish his romantic "duties". Looks like someone was given an "Attitude Adjustment"!

- Miles shot Hank in the ass. Save that kind of shit for your social life. You're on duty, Officer!

- Miles kidnapped Molly fairly easy. For someone who is the daughter of both Batman and Catwoman, I expected more out of her.

- Danny had to toss an explosive in the river after the round was over. Lucky there were no ducks around because some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.

- Round 6 involved an elevator free falling to the ground that held Danny and the pleasantly plumb, Willy [insert your killer whale jokes here], the hotel manager. Even though Willy didn't live to be on the show, he's obviously The Biggest Loser.

- When FBI agents are put on hold, Barry Manilow plays in the background. I don't see the problem. Music and passion were always in fashion at the Copa...

- Only Danny's thumbprint on some detonator can save Molly's life. I don't know how Miles got Danny's thumbprint, but any thumb is better than a five knuckle shuffle.

- Fellow WWE Wrestler, Mark Henry's, "Sexual Chocolate" theme song played at the end of the film. Unless this is a sign that Mark Henry is in the next WWE film and he's not playing Fat Albert or Predator, then it's time for Vince McMahon to just quit the whole film thing. It's bad enough I'm getting THE MARINE 2. [-shivers-]

THE FINAL HOWL
What could have been a fun film turns out to be a flop called 12 ROUNDS, which happened to be 8 rounds too many for me. It's not the worst WWE Films project but it's far from the best, which still happens to be THE CONDEMNED. If Renny Harlin had played the film as a silly sort of thing like THE TRANSPORTER and CRANK films take pride in, 12 ROUNDS would had worked exceptionally. But since it was taken seriously, it fails. If you're a John Cena or Renny Harlin fan, wait for it on cable or something. Otherwise, don't bother.

DIRECTED BY
James Wong

STARRING
Justin Chatwin - Goku
James Marsters - Lord Piccolo
Jamie Chung - Chi Chi
Emmy Rossum - Bulma Briefs
Chow Yun-Fat - Master Roshi
Joon Park - Yamcha
Eriko Tamura - Mai
Randall Duk Kim - Grandpa Gohan
Ernie Hudson - Sifu Norris

Genre - Action/Aventure

Running Time - 84 Minutes

Score - BOMB

The island of Japan has gifted us with many things over the years. I'm talking about automobiles that don't break down once you turn on the ignition. I'm talking about the video games that help us escape from the real world. I'm talking about those wacky game shows that make us laugh at how dumb they are. And in terms of this review, I'm talking about manga and the anime inspired by it. Probably one of the most popular Japanese exports has been the extremely popular Dragonball anime series. The Cartoon Network benefited from it with huge ratings. The video game franchise has sold more than a billion copies worldwide. Apparently watching cartoon characters beat the crap out of each other with their bodies and insane power blasts has captivated many into turning Dragonball into a powerful franchise.

Unfortunately, the popularity of TV shows, cartoons, and video games only lead to really crappy live-action adaptations filmed for the big screen. Dragonball already had two films made based on the manga and anime series, but they were both Asian productions. Since Hollywood feels Western Culture is superior and more revelant, they decided to take a chance at making a Dragonball movie with both American and Asian actors and unleash it onto the unsuspecting public. The result is DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION, a film that was in post-production hell for over a year and during a time when the Dragonball phenomenon is pretty much past its peak.

To be honest, I'm not sure what DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION is actually evolving here. All I know for sure is that it's not evolving anything remotely good and is probably making Charles Darwin roll in his grave as you read this. To think that I thought STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI was the Worst Film of 2009. Funny how that quickly changed within six weeks, because DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION is one of the worst films I've seen in my life - in any year. Let's Kame-hame-ha this fucker into Hollywood obscurity, shall we?

PLOT
Goku (Justin Chatwin) is your standard high school teenager who seems to possess power that he has yet to tap into. This knowledge [or his bad acting, I'm not sure] has made him an outcast of sorts with his peers, constantly getting picked on, although a girl named Chi Chi (Jamie Chung) sort of digs him and vice-versa. Speaking of Chi Chi, her parents must be celebrities because no normal couple would curse their child with such a ridiculous name. Anyway, Goku's grandpa Gohan (Randall Duk Kim) warns Goku about some upcoming armageddon involving a solar eclipse due to the return of an alien life form named Loard Piccolo (James Marsters) and his sidekick Mai (Eriko Tamura). They both plan on collecting 7 Dragonballs in order to fulfill some legend that will grant them both great power. When Gohan's warnings lead to tragedy, Goku decides to hunt down the Dragonballs with the help of Lara Croft wannabe Bulma (Emmy Rossum), thief Yamcha (Joon Park), and Master Roshi (Chow Yun-Fat). Will Goku and his new friends stop Piccolo and save the day? Will Piccolo succeed? Does anyone give a flying fuck? No? Alrighty then.

REVIEW
I have three words for DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I'm not a fan of this Dragonball stuff but I've seen some episodes because my cousins love this stuff and play the video games. Hell, they'll debate about Dragonball for hours on end and discuss all the sagas, while I scratch my head wondering what in the fuck they're talking about. But I can tell you that I know enough and have seen enough to say that DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION is NOTHING like the manga or anime series it's based on. Shit, I thought this film was a joke on the fans who made this franchise as big as it is. But this was a serious project and pretty much shows how clueless Hollywood is right now.

The story is, well, how can I say this without offending the screenwriters...okay...it's really fuckin' retarded. Instead of actually taking themes and storylines from the cartoon it's based on [because that would make SENSE!], James Wong and Ben Ramsey decide to use that Hollywood cliche that involves a young man who has a destiny and must go on an adventure to figure out what it is. Of course, he meets friends who join him to help him achieve the answers he seeks, including that old dude who trains the young man to "Wax On" and "Wax Off". The young man doesn't figure out the truth until he confronts the villain of the film, leading to a showdown that reveals his true potential. Happily ever after, right?

Are you choking my chicken!?

Dragonball was about action. It was about violence. It was about wacky characters blasting each other with their inner energies all for the sake of seven Dragonballs. Instead, DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION decided to turn the franchise into a badly done THE KARATE KID meets THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK hybrid that doesn't work the moment it's implemented on celluoid! The characters are badly written and developed. Maybe fans would care about them, but what about those who aren't familar with this franchise? They have nothing to hold on to. No origins. No setting up events properly. Why should I care for these idiots? Goku was loved in the manga and anime series because he was motivated to become a better martial artist and unlock his full Super Saiyan potential. Instead, he's a love sick puppy out for revenge. Even that isn't developed all that much. What's the point then? And the rest of the characters aren't even like the characters they're based on. Yamcha doesn't know any martial arts, although he and Goku have a rivalry in the cartoon. Bulma is an annoying Lara Croft ripoff with a voice that made me regret not putting on earplugs. Even the environment of the cartoon, which was a character in itself, has been replaced by generic North American visuals. If you're not gonna make a film right, then don't spend $100 million on it.

Also, there is an actual love story in this film and it's pretty much forced on you. Maybe if Goku's and Chi Chi's attraction to each other was actually developed into something believable, it would have been okay. But the filmmakers pretty much expect you to root for these two together even though you have no idea WHY they should be together in the first place. Plus, they're barely in the film together much anyway, so what's the point? Same goes for Bulma and Yamchi, who seem to dig each other even though they were trying to kill each other an hour before. Did I miss something?

Even the whole concept of one's "ki" was screwed up. It's never really explained how it works and/or its purpose. Nor is it a plot point that one would care for. Sure, they set up the whole Kame-hame-ha thing, but it's all exposition and not of it is interesting. I learned more from THE LAST DRAGON than I did here. At least I know what the "glow" is!

The action sequences are absolutely horrible here. These scenes could have been the saving grace of the film, but they're just as bad as the development of the screenplay. They're short and don't leave much of an impression. They're not even exciting or fun to watch. They're hacked in the editing room, giving us close-ups at random moments to the point where we don't see what the fuck is going on. I'm not sure this was done to look cool or hide the fact that stunt doubles probably handled the physical stuff, but they were shot horribly all the same. The best fight scene was near the beginning between Goku and some of his High School peers. The sad thing is that Goku didn't even raise a fist the entire time, letting the bullies beat each other up. Dragonball is about the action and DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION did not deliver at all.

What also doesn't deliver are the special effects. They were Sci-Fi Channel calibre - really unconvincing and not at all impressive. The Kame-hame-ha is supposed to be the most powerful move in the Dragonball universe, yet it's only used to light lanterns during a training sequence. And when used on Lord Piccolo, it barely left a scratch on him. Really? This is a Dragonball movie? I think the HANNAH MONTANA movie probably has special effects superior to this one. Where in the hell did the $100 million go, guys? Oh yeah - for Bulma's ball turning into her motorcycle. And Goku transforming into some CGI beast that makes The Hulk realistic. Smallville has better effects than this film. That's fuckin' pathetic.

James Wong, who directed 2001's THE ONE, was the wrong person to direct this. The pacing was totally off and the film felt rushed as hell. Wong seemed more concerned with moving from one set piece to the next without the need of a narrative to make it flow properly. Also, Wong has no handle on action. The scenes are badly chopped up to the point where you don't know what the hell is going on. The framing is awkward at times as well. THE ONE is a much better effort than DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION could ever be and that's sad when the former was made 8 years ago. Aren't directors supposed to get better? Yeah, the script sucks but a director is supposed to overcome that with cool visuals. This film is a total failure.

The acting in this film is really bad. Justin Chatwin, who most probably remember as the lead in last year's THE INVISIBLE, is horribly miscast as Goku. Chatwin looks nothing like the character or even acts like the character. Plus he's not the type of actor that can really carry a film of this nature. He was bland, I felt. James Marsters, who's best known as Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel, plays one of the most boring and misused villains in cinematic history in Lord Piccolo. For the main antagonist, he's barely in the film and he doesn't do anything or even talk all that much. You have a good actor who can play a great villain [judging by his past roles] but you don't throw him a bone to chew on? Terrible usage here. Jamie Chung is cute as Chi Chi but is nothing but the token girlfriend character. Emmy Rossum annoyed me as Bulma, speaking in a cutesy voice that was supposed to sound tough but just made me want someone to smack her around and shut her up. Talk about overacting. And Chow Yun-Fat may be the best of all the actors here, but even he's embarassing to watch as Master Roshi. At least he looks like he's having fun hamming it up. Or maybe he was acting while intoxicated. I wouldn't blame the guy if he was. Just wished he would have shared some with me for this review.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE REALISING IT'S UNNATURAL FOR ANYONE TO POSSESS MORE THAN TWO BALLS

- Goku received a ball for his birthday. If he didn't suffer through testicular cancer or is completely hetero, then I feel that this gift is really inappropriate.

- Lord Piccolo was so upset about not finding Goku's Dragonball that he crushed Gohan within his own home. Now I know who to blame for the mortage crisis.

- Bulma considers Master Roshi to be a dirty old man, after seeing his swimsuit issues and him grabbing her ass. I don't see why she's so offended. Britney Spears experienced the same thing and she turned out okay, didn't she?

- Goku had to focus his ki to achieve the Kame-hame-ha ability. I wish James Wong would had focused his ki to make a better film so I wouldn't have to suffer through 84 long minutes. I guess some ki is stronger than others.

- Piccolo had Mai shift-shape into a doppelganger for Chi Chi. Two Chi Chi's? And he's supposed to be the villain? Shit, give the guy all the Dragonballs and a medal!

- When the 7 Dragonballs are placed together, one can make a wish. I wish I didn't have to watch this crap for a review. But apparently that didn't come true. Fuck you, DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION!

THE FINAL HOWL
DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION is by far my top pick for Worst of 2009 so far. It's just a really stupid movie that's nothing more than a huge waste of time, money, and energy. Dragonball fans should stay away. Everyone else should stay away. This film will leave no one happy. I'm blasting DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION into the WTF? Vault where it belongs. If only Bernie Madoff had stolen the $100 million used to make this crap. Sigh...

DIRECTED BY
Olivier Megaton

STARRING
Jason Statham - Frank Martin
Francois Berleand - Inspector Tarconi
Natalya Rudakova - Valentina
Robert Knepper - Johnson
Justin Rodgers Hall - Horatio
Eriq Ebouaney - Ice
Jeroen Krabbe - Leonid Vasilev
David Atrakchi - Malcolm Manville

Genre - Action

Running Time - 100 Minutes

Score - 2.5 Howls Outta 4


Jason Statham has had a pretty up-and-down 2008 when it comes to movies. He started out the year with Uwe Boll's IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE that ended up being a lousy flick with Statham being the best part of it. Then we had the action-drama, THE BANK JOB, which was a good film with a very good performance from Statham. Unfortunately, no one went to see it until DVD. Then we have the remake of DEATH RACE 2000 titled DEATH RACE, which was a decent action flick.

And now we have TRANSPORTER 3, which is supposed to be the "final" film in the trilogy of Frank Martin. Combining the story element of the first part and the over-the-top action for the second part, TRANSPORTER 3 attempts to be the best of both worlds for action fans. Unfortunately, TRANSPORTER 3 is just another in the line of three-quels that ends up being more disappointing than anything. While still an entertaining film carried once again by Jason Statham, TRANSPORTER 3 shows that this franchise may be out of gas.

PLOT
Frank Martin (Jason Statham) gets called on another job. This time, it's to transport some red-headed annoying Russian bimbo named Valentina (Natalya Rudankova). However, something's weird about this mission. One, no destination is set to leave Valentina. Two, Frank has to waste gas by driving around for hours while his GPS is updated to tell him his next move. And third, the guy who hired Frank for this mission, Johnson (Robert Knepper), doesn't trust people with his packages. So to make sure everything goes as planned, he makes both Frank and Valentina wear these bracelets that will explode if either one of them is more than 75 feet away from the car. How will Frank and Valentina get these things off? What is Johnson's true plan? And why is this Valentina bitch so damn annoying? Transport her ass six feet under, Frank!

REVIEW
TRANSPORTER 3 is a hit-and-miss with me. I was entertained by this sequel, but it just wasn't as fun as the first two installments. Maybe that's because we've pretty much seen this film twice before. Maybe that's because the action isn't really all that spectacular or even frequent. Maybe that's because one of the actors in the film gave me a headache. I dunno. But TRANSPORTER 3 tries to mix the best qualities of the first two films into a single film and pretty much loses what made these films so good to begin with.

The story was probably the worst of the three. I understood it. It had entertaining aspects to it. But for the most part, it did nothing for me. The whole anti-environmental scheme in these action flicks is getting old. And then the love interest sub-plot between Frank and Valentina was grating, especially when this was pretty much 65 percent of the film. While I think Statham and Rudakova look like a hot couple, they just annoyed me together. The constant sparring is supposed to be charming and a turn-on. Here, it just made me want to rip my hair out of my scalp. And then when the seduction stuff does happen, it was more weird than anything. I dunno, I thought Frank had more chemistry with Shu Qi and Amber Valletta in the previous flicks. The love angle didn't really work for me here but at least Frank got some!

Anyone looking for character development will surely be disappointed. Not that I think anyone would expect that in a film called TRANSPORTER 3. But if you were looking for some deep stuff here, go see AUSTRALIA or something and leave me alone!

The action, while not as frequent as in the other TRANSPORTER installments, still manages to get the job done. We get cars parking on trains. We get Statham ripping his clothes off [again] and using them against his adversaries. We get some driving on two wheels and cutting through tractor trailers. I also liked the chase where Frank's car was stolen and he had to catch up before he blew up. The action is great here [again, nice choregraphy by Corey Yuen] and I wish there was more of it instead of having the romance sub-plot be the true focus of this film. I don't care if Frank gets poontang! I want to see him kick ass!

The direction by newcomer to the series, Olivier Megaton, does decent. His directorial style is very in your face. Lots of close-ups. Lots of jump cuts that work for some scenes but totally destroy the effectiveness of the action sequences. The camera shakes quite a bit as well, which is somewhat annoying here. I understand Megaton is trying to set a quick-paced atmosphere here, but I actually want to see the action go on. You could do it in a way that works, like in the BOURNE sequels. But it's just distracting in TRANSPORTER 3. But I liked that the 100 minutes never felt long and the cinematography was pretty cool too. Not as good as Louis Letterier, but decent enough.

The acting...well, you're not watching these flicks for the thespian work, are you? Jason Statham is still one of the coolest motherfuckers on the planet and could play Frank Martin in his sleep. He carries this film single-handedly and is the only real reason to watch this sequel. He gets more to do dialogue-wise than he did in TRANSPORTER 2 and does it quite well. He's the star of this film and makes sure everyone knows it. Natalya Rudakova, unfortunately, is the total opposite. She's pretty good-looking but recites lines like she's reading off of a cue card. She says things without showing any sign of personality [not like the character has any to begin with but at least attempt it]. She whines a bit. She's just grating and irritating to watch. A WAY better actress could have taken this nothing character and at least made her somewhat interesting. Rudakova doesn't even bother and she makes the viewers suffer for it.

Robert Knepper, who stars on FOX's Prison Break, did nothing for me as Johnson. The villain is totally one-note and is never really creepy or evil. And it's sad because Knepper does both well on Prison Break. And Francois Berleand is still cool as Inspector Tarconi. Unfortunately, he doesn't share all that many scenes with Statham that I would have liked and is again underused as far as I'm concerned. But I still enjoyed him here nonetheless.

TWO THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE ACCESSORIZING MY KILLER BRACELET WITH MY BEDAZZLER

- Frank and Valentina were trapped wearing bracelets that would explode if they were 75 feet away from their vehicle. Not only did this rip off SPEED, but was it really necessary to rub the whole bracelet thing in front of Statham's friend, Guy Ritchie? I mean, that's why Ritchie stayed with that nutty Madonna all those years, right?

- The Russian Valentina annoyed me with her harsh English and her dull personality. It just made me want to t.A.t.U. my foot print in her ass for "All The Things She Said".

THE FINAL HOWL
If you liked the first two TRANSPORTER flicks, you'll find something to like about TRANSPORTER 3. It's not a horrible way to spend 100 minutes, but there was a lot of potential here for a better sequel. I hope this is the last TRANSPORTER flick because I think the series has finally run its course. But I can't say I wasn't entertained by this installment. I still get a kick watching cars doing death-defying stunts and a single man taking down an entire group of fighters by himself. Leave the brain at home and try not to be annoyed by that Russian broad. You'll be fine. My bro-mance with Jason Statham continues on.

DIRECTED BY
Corey Yuen (THE TRANSPORTER)
Louis Leterrier (THE TRANSPORTER & TRANSPORTER 2)

STARRING
Jason Statham - Frank Martin
Francois Berleand - Inspector Tarconi
Shu Qi - Lai (THE TRANSPORTER)
Matt Schulze - Darren "Wall Street" Bettencourt (THE TRANSPORTER)
Ric Young - Mr. Kwai (THE TRANSPORTER)
Hunter Clary - Jack Billings (TRANSPORTER 2)
Alessandro Gassman - Gianni (TRANSPORTER 2)
Amber Valletta - Audrey Billings (TRANSPORTER 2)
Kate Nauta - Lola (TRANSPORTER 2)
Matthew Modine - Jefferson Billings (TRANSPORTER 2)
Jason Flemyng - Dimitri (TRANSPORTER 2)
Keith David - Stappleton (TRANSPORTER 2)

Genre - Action

Running Time - 93 Minutes (THE TRANSPORTER)/87 Minutes (TRANSPORTER 2)

Score -
3.5 Howls Outta 4 (THE TRANSPORTER)
3 Howls Outta 4 (TRANSPORTER 2)


I think I've made it known a couple of times in certain reviews about my hetero man-crush on Jason Statham. Ever since I saw him in Guy Ritchie's LOCK, STOCK, AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS and [especially] SNATCH, Statham had been on my radar due to his charisma, presence, and acting ability. I think I've pretty much seen every film this has been in, give or take a couple that I'm still getting to. This guy has star written all over him, but that wasn't really realized until his first leading role, 2002's THE TRANSPORTER. I remember seeing the trailer to this film and watching all the fight sequences and thinking that Statham was the toughest badass I've seen in a film in years. Unfortunately, I was one of the few who actually saw THE TRANSPORTER in a movie theater as the film made only $10 million in the United States. Thankfully, the power of DVD made the film a big hit and worthy enough for another installment - 2005's TRANSPORTER 2, which was more over-the-top and more action-packed than the original was. This time, I wasn't one of the few who saw this in a theater as the sequel made a pretty good chunk of cash during its release, making more on DVD than the first one did.

Now in 2008, we have TRANSPORTER 3 coming out today which I probably won't see until this weekend. I'm actually looking forward to it, even though I know the third installments are usually not all that great. But I'm willing to give it a chance because I'm a big fan of the first two installments, which prove that action is alive and well in the 21st Century. So before I review TRANSPORTER 3, I figure it's only right to review the first two and see if they still hit the mark today as they did a few years ago. After all, I have rules and you always follow the rules.

PLOT
In THE TRANSPORTER, Frank Martin (Jason Statham) is known in the European underground as The Transporter - meaning he will transport anything for a fee to anywhere that he's directed to without asking any questions. A former military dude and a guy who is proficient in martial arts and firearms, Frank is pretty anal about his job and follows certain rules for each one:

- Never change the deal.
- No names.
- Never look in the package.

Frank is very on point about his transporting business, always knowing shortcuts or planning ahead for certain occasions [like police trouble] that may hinder his job ability. Driving his BMW 735, Frank can pretty much outdrive anyone without injury or scratching his car.

During one transporting job, Frank gets a flat tire. Going to his trunk for a spare, he sees the package he's transporting - moving and screaming. Letting his curiosity get the best of him, Frank decides to look in the package to find some Asian chick named Lai (Qi Shu), who is part of some slave-smuggling cartel deal. Violating his third rule destroys the private and quiet life he once had before taking this certain mission, making him realize that one should always follow the rules.

In TRANSPORTER 2, Frank relocates to Miami from France, now playing driver to a kid named Jack (Hunter Clary). Jack happens to be the son of some big government official (Matthew Modine), who trying to stop the world of narcotics in the area. Being a dumbass, he doesn't realize this just put a target on him and his entire family.

One day, Frank takes Jack to a doctor's appointment. Unfortunately, some bad guys kill the staff at the clinic, posing as nurses and doctors to attack Jack. Frank realizes this quick and manages to save Jack, until the mastermind behind this latest attack (Alessandro Gassman) and his anorexic girlfriend (Kate Nauta) force Frank against a wall that allows Jack to get kidnapped, as well as taking the blame for the crime. They try to kill Frank, but he manages to survive. More pissed off and determined as ever, Frank has to save Jack as well as the entire world, as this madman is planning to spread a bio-chemical weapon that will murder anyone who breathes it.

REVIEW
THE TRANSPORTER films are what I consider guilty pleasures. They're basically plot-less most of the time, requiring the action to shut your brain down so you can just enjoy being stimulated by the visuals on screen. The stunts are really over the top, almost to the point where they become borderline ridiculous. It's cliche, after cliche, after cliche - yet both films make all this work. Why? Because they never take themselves seriously as if the filmmakers know they're making a ridiculous action flick or two. And I'm more than fine with that because action films should be exciting and have to be sort of illogical in order to work.

Like I mentioned above, these films are basically plot-less. That's not to say that THE TRANSPORTER and/or TRANSPORTER 2 don't have stories. Both films do have a Point A, a Point B, and a Point C that moves these films along. Obviously, both films focus on Frank Martin - British Bad Ass who makes sure his actions are louder than his words. The funny thing about Frank is that we barely know anything about his background. We know he was in Special Ops, but we still haven't learned about how he even because a Transporter or why he continues to do so when it gets him into all sorts of trouble that complicated his quite life. Yet while we have no inkling of his past, we're still allowed to know what kind of character he is. He's a neat freak. He doesn't talk much unless he has a point to say something. He cherishes his cars like his life. He has rules he tries to follow. And he's an ass-kicking machine. Frank can be a very cold character and almost seems anti-social, but he's greatly appealing and charming at the same time. I think it's because the character is always up front about who he is and why he does what he does. There's no shadyness with Frank and that's why we root for him.

But the character development pretty much ends there with these films. Unless you count Inspector Tarconi, who is a pretty loose police officer who's willing to help Frank do anything without judging him, none of the other characters are really fleshed out. We barely know anything about the people Frank associates with, as they're just necessities for the films' plots.

Still, it doesn't matter because these films aren't about Academy Award winning screenplays, memorable dialogue, or great characterization. These films are about the action on screen. And that's where THE TRANSPORTER and TRANSPORTER 2 succeeds. The first one is pretty much more grounded in reality. We get great high speed chases, with lots of cars crashing into each other and such. We get insane fight choregraphy. We have explosions that involve cars and houses. I swear the first time I saw this film, I saw things I had never seen before - especially the combat scenes. THE TRANSPORTER has better pacing than TRANSPORTER 2 does because there isn't action all the time, as we have some expository scenes that bridge these sequences.

TRANSPORTER 2 is pretty much all action, all the time. And that action is extremely out there, as it almost feels like watching a cartoon most of the time. It's not a bad thing at all, as I still find the action in the sequel to be satisfying as an action-junkie. But unlike THE TRANSPORTER, TRANSPORTER 2 makes you throw all logic out the window as your suspension of disbelief is stretched pretty tightly. I mean, how does a man fall from many feet above onto a moving car, make a massive dent on the top of the car, roll off the car, and get up as if nothing had happened. There's another part where two cars crash into each other as Frank does a split in mid-air to avoid the collision. Should I even mention the insane spinning airplane sequence towards the end of the film where Frank and Gianni have fisticuffs in mid-air as the plane crashes down into the ocean? And what about all those ramps that appear just in time for Frank to leap away from danger? The stunts and action in TRANSPORTER 2 are insane and pretty much unbelievable. Yet, I don't take these films all that seriously anyway so it doesn't bother me that Frank can pretty much survive everything death throws at him. I do hate some of the CGI used in the sequel [you can't miss it really]. It looks faker than it should and it almost takes you out of the film. But other than that, the action sequences are the highlights of these movies.

The fighting choregraphy [by Corey Yuen] is also fantastic in both of these films. Jason Statham pretty much does most of the stunts in these films and he's a tremendous athlete. I'm not sure if he took martial arts training before THE TRANSPORTER, but Statham moves like a cat and is extremely believable when he's throwing punches and kicks, using his T-shirt to wrap it around the necks of goons, and covering himself with oil and busting heads that way. And the use of weapons as well is extremely impressive. Statham is not a dude I would fuck with in real life. The choregraphy is incredible and I see things in these films that I've never seen before in any action movie I had seen prior. I think the closest I've seen to these are in Jackie Chan films where the choregraphy is stunning to watch. There's definitely a Hong Kong influence when it comes to the fighting style and I've always been fascinated by these kung-fu style movies. Learning these steps is probably really tough. Making them look convincing is probably even tougher. But THE TRANSPORTER films make it possible. Sure, it's silly to see one man take out 10 guys with weapons all by himself in the matter of three to five minutes when you think about it, but it feels extremely right when you're watching Statham do it in THE TRANSPORTER and TRANSPORTER 2. Kudos to the people behind the scenes bringing the action and making it good.

The direction for these films are also very good. Corey Yuen and Louis Leterrier co-directed THE TRANSPORTER, with Yuen filming the action portions and Leterrier filming the most story driven stuff. To be quite honest, I didn't even realize two men directed this film until recently. Nothing about the film gives it away. It flows extremely well from beginning to end. THE TRANSPORTER feels like a Hong Kong action flick, as it has that mood going for it. It feels fresh and the cinematography is beautiful [kudos to Pierre Morel for that]. I do think the editing by Nicolas Trembasiewicz is a bit too much at times, especially during the action sequences, but it doesn't bother me a lot. But less jump-cuts would have made the sequences a bit more watchable.

Louis Leterrier solo directs TRANSPORTER 2 and does it really well again. Unlike the first one, Leterrier kisses reality goodbye and just lets shit rip, filming the most insane action sequences that assault the eyes and shut down the brain. TRANSPORTER 2 is pretty much Leterrier doing style over substance, but at least the style is pretty awesome. Also, the editing is a lot better here. You get a better feel of the action in the sequel as there's no major jump cuts that distract you. And again, the cinematography is beautiful. The film is a lot brighter and sunnier than in the original, as the film takes place in Miami. I really dig the direction in both films. Yuen and Leterrier provide action aficionados what they want and that's enough for me.

The acting is not these films strong suits, but I do feel the acting in THE TRANSPORTER is a bit better than in TRANSPORTER 2. Jason Statham is awesome in both installments, convincingly playing Frank Martin as a bad motherfucker who will kick your ass in so many ways that it'll make your head spin - probably literally. Statham is charismatic. Statham has a presence that makes you notice him. He's good when he speaks dialogue, but he's even better when he just uses facial expressions and body language to convey what the character is feeling. Plus, Statham is fantastic at fight choregraphy. The dude is a machine in these films. He is the franchise and he carries it extremely well.

Francois Bereland is also very good as Inspector Tarconi. His character acting and humorous take on Frank's world is a nice contrast to Frank's more serious and colder character. The two have great chemistry whenever they appear together on screen. I do think he's kind of wasted in TRANSPORTER 2 but hopefully he has a bigger role in TRANSPORTER 3 where he shares scenes with Statham. The two make a good duo.

The other actors are a mixed bag. Shu Qi is very beautiful and has a nice presence about her as Lai. I think her handling of dialogue is a bit weird, but that's probably because speaking in English on film is probably foreign for her. Sometimes she would sound natural; at others, it sounded almost like she was reading from a cue card. But I liked her and she made an interesting love interest, even if it wasn't all that believable.

Amber Valletta has more chemistry with Statham than Shu Qi, but doesn't get to do all that much really but cry and vent. She's a good actress but the role wasn't much for her. Matthew Modine was a bit of an overactor though. I don't know if he was having faux-Vietnam flashbacks from FULL METAL JACKET, but he was trying a bit too hard to be angry here. Plus his character wasn't developed enough for me to care. He's a better actor than this. Hunter Clary was cute as Jack though. Most child actors annoy the hell out of me, but Clary didn't. I actually liked the dynamic between him and Statham. The two shared nice chemistry that could probably melt alot of hearts.

The bad guys are also a mixed bag. I find the villains in THE TRANSPORTER to be better than the ones in TRANSPORTER 2. Matt Schulze was swarmy, sarcastic, and a real jerk as Darren Bettencourt. He was an asshole in THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS and he continued that persona here. And Ric Young as Mr. Kwai was a bigger dickhead, treating his daughter Lai as a business proposition rather than a family member. I bought these two in their roles, as cliched as they were, because at least they had personalities. Alessandro Gassman and Kate Nauta were pretty one-note in TRANSPORTER 2. Gassman just looked pretty I suppose with his accent. I guess he figured his toned body would do the acting for him. Didn't work, bro. At least Nauta was a little more fun to watch as the crazed Lola. I liked her scenes with Statham and they shared an interesting chemistry as well. Maybe if she was the main villain, the film probably would have been equal to the original. But she was Gassman's lackey and Gassman was pretty much a pussy. Kind of lame, but I guess that's to be expected from these action flicks.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE KICKING ASS IN MY BUSINESS SUIT

- If you want to rob a bank, do it in France. Not only are the police not great at their job at all, but they'll probably surrender before the chase even begins. Sucre bleu!

- Frank has a photographic memory. Unfortunately, that means he can't forget GHOST OF MARS or IN THE NAME OF THE KING: A DUNGEON SIEGE TALE. No wonder he's so sullen.

- If you're transporting a female prisoner, never let her out if she wants to pee. She's lying and is trying to escape. Remember - women always go to the bathroom in groups, never alone.

- Don't bomb a British man's car. He'll get so bloody pissed off that your fate will be as bad as marrying Madonna. Let's not get SWEPT AWAY, shall we?

- Don't leave a kidnapped Asian in your house while you go to bed. She'll snoop around, find info about you to get into your life, do your homework, and eat all of your pets. Yoko O-no!

- Saving the life of an Asian can be beneficial. Remember, if you do they'll love you long time.

- Lai's father paid hundreds of dollars to send her to school and teach her English. Couldn't she just have watched Sesame Street? What a rip off! And I thought Asians were smart!

- If you need to fight like 8 guys at once, cover yourself with oil. No one will be able to touch you. Like Frankie Valli once sang, "Grease is the word."

- Frank is not afraid of AnnaLynne McCord, even when she was holding a gun on him. He must have seen 90210. Laughable, I know!

- The bad guys had Frank by the balls in Miami. If this was Miami Vice, this shit wouldn't have happened. Well, maybe to Tubbs. But Crockett and his 5 o'clock would have totally kicked ass!

- Frank has the ability to jump over ramps, knock off bombs planted beneath his car in mid-air, flip 360 degrees, and still drive away without a scratch on his car. It's just like Grand Theft Auto! Insane Stunt Bonus, baby!

- TRANSPORTER 2 shows that one can hunt down and capture criminals by uploading info from an iPod from one computer to another. Man, my iPod can barely shuffle songs from a playlist without the hard drive going nuts on me, freezing the damn thing. What the fuck?

- Frank jumped from a boardwalk onto a waterski below, flipping the female driver over his shoulder so he can take control. Frank sure knows how to handle the ladies and make them wet.

- Frank used sliced watermelon as boxing gloves. We all laughed at him, but we should have known Gallagher was onto something.

- Frank keeps an extra suit and tie in his car trunk. I guess every girl is crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

- Lola was killed by a wall of spikes. I'm sure that wasn't her first time being impaled...

- Frank and Gianni were fighting and floating inside an out-of-control spinning airplane that was about to crash. Geez, where's Ted Striker and Otto when you need them?

THE FINAL HOWL
If you're looking for some intelligence in your action coffee, THE TRANSPORTER and TRANSPORTER 2 are not gonna satisfy your brain. But if you just want to kick back and have fun watching insane stuff happen to people and their cars that would probably never happen in real life, then these two films are the perfect popcorn flicks for your action fix. I'm pretty sure TRANSPORTER 3 will be just as stupid as these two films are and I can't wait. If you haven't seen these films for whatever reason, don't go in expecting much. Follow that rule and you'll enjoy THE TRANSPORTER and TRANSPORTER 2.