Anchor Bay Films has send us over information for an upcoming DVD and Blu-Ray signing of their latest release "Silent Night". On hand for the signing will be Director Steven C. Miller, Co-star Cortney Palm, Director of Photography Joseph White, Composer Kevin Riepl and Editor Seth Flaum.

The event takes place on December 4th at 7PM at Dark Delicacies Bookstore on 3312 W. Magnolia Blvd in Burbank, CA.


Press Release:

WHAT: On Tuesday evening December 4th, fans of a certain homicidal holiday figure can rejoice when cast and crew of SILENT NIGHT will be at Burbank’s legendary Dark Delicacies bookstore to sign Blu-rays and DVDs of the remake of the 80s cult horror classic.

WHEN: Tuesday, December 4th, 7:00pm

WHERE: Dark Delicacies Bookstore
3512 W. Magnolia Blvd.
Burbank, CA 91505
(818) 556-6660

WHO: Director Steven C. Miller;
Co-star Cortney Palm;
Director of Photography Joseph White;
Composer Kevin Riepl;
Editor Seth Flaum

DETAILS: Santa Claus is coming to town. Heaven help the naughty! On December 4th, Anchor Bay Films unwraps SILENT NIGHT on Blu-ray™/DVD combo and DVD.

A loose remake of the horror classic Silent Night, Deadly Night, the film’s stellar cast includes Malcolm McDowell (Rob Zombie’s Halloween, Easy A), Jaime King (Sin City, My Bloody Valentine 3D), Donal Logue (Shark Night 3D, Blade), Lisa Marie (Sleepy Hollow), Brendan Fehr (Final Destination, X-Men First Class), and Ellen Wong (Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World).

McDowell and King star as a small-town sheriff and deputy on the hunt for a murderous Santa Claus terrorizing their community on Christmas Eve. But with the streets full of Santas for the annual Christmas parade, the killer is hiding in plain sight.

Roger Ebert in his review of “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” called the film “an affront to human decency.” That’s kind of pointing out the obvious as Tom Six clearly designed his film to be just that. It’s all a cinematic provocation for both fans and detractors of the original film which sent waves through the world of horror films. This time he throws at us a thoroughly disgusting movie to make you realize just how far he could have gone in the previous movie. Whether or not “The Human Centipede” was actually “100% medically accurate,” the sequel revels in being the polar opposite.

This movie proceeds with the idea that the original was only a movie as it starts with its ending and then shows it being viewed from a security guard’s computer. From there we meet the main character of Martin Lomax (Laurence R. Harvey), a grotesquely overweight loner who can only achieve any form of arousement from watching Six’s potentially overrated horror movie. His life is as bleak as can be which is more than accentuated by it being shown in black and white. We come to realize that his father sexually abused him as a child, he lives with his mother who is unrelentingly horrible to him, and he has his own pet centipede that is quick to devour whatever Martin feeds him.

Martin also has a notebook which comes to reveal his sinister intentions; he plans to make his own human centipede. But instead of 3 people, he is going for an even 12. We watch as he kidnaps victims almost at random and then leaves them in a dilapidated garage where he will connect them together later. The sequel gets even more meta as Ashlynn Yennie, who got stuck in the middle during the first movie, comes back to play herself. She’s lured to England with the promise of auditioning for a Quentin Tarantino movie, but then she does the method acting she didn’t do the first time around.

Honestly, the more I thought about “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” after I saw it, the more I found myself laughing. I still haven’t seen the original, but I believe Six when he says it’s “My Little Pony” compared to this. Morbid curiosity got me to see it at the Nuart Theatre in Santa Monica where it was playing for midnight showings. The gory elements are so over the top that it’s impossible to take anything seriously even as you’re repelled by the sights and sounds on display.

This is really the perfect kind of film for midnight showings as it brings out all the young filmgoers who dare themselves and their friends to watch it without gagging. Towards the end, I find myself more interested in the audience’s reaction than what was onscreen. Girls shrieking and telling each other they were this close to leaving, men hiding their eyes, and others laughing in shock at the crap (literal and figurative) that was being thrown out at us in copious amounts. For me, what Six filmed was nothing compared to how the audience responded to it.

Some might say that Martin being a die hard fan of “The Human Centipede” is proof of how movies can inspire such murderous behavior, but that’s a bunch of bull. From the first moment we lay eyes on Martin, we can tell he is a serious mental case who is a danger to society. His pathology has become so twisted because he was badly treated by the people who were supposed to love him. If Six’s movie didn’t inspire him in repulsive ways, some other form of entertainment would have. This all brings back what was said in Wes Craven’s “Scream:”

“Movies don’t create psychos! Movies make psychos more creative!”

I do have to give Laurence R. Harvey some credit because he throws himself into the role without any visible shame. Not many other actors would dare let themselves appear in such an intentionally vile movie, but that didn’t stop this guy. Harvey is shown in an unflattering light throughout, and his character really is bereft of any redeemable features. Martin doesn’t even have much (if any) dialogue in this film, and he instead has to create a character through his eyes and actions. Never does Harvey try to hide the fact that Martin is nowhere near to becoming a doctor as he connects everyone together with a staple gun and gives his victims a large dose of laxatives to expel their waste onto and into one another.

But having said all this, “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” is not really much of a movie. It’s more of a geek show that promises to be subversive, but it exists more to provoke than make us think. Showing it in black and white was an inspired choice and while it may have lessened the disgusting acts perpetrated, our brains weren’t fooled and knew very well how this would all look in color. Not even Dario Argento would be able to bring any beauty to these horrific acts.

Its one thing to see this sequel with an audience, but watching it at home by yourself will instead make it seem tedious. The last half when Martin succeeds in creating his unforgivably crude masterpiece goes on for a long time, and it becomes something of a bore long before the end. Speaking of its ending, it is deliberately ambiguous and leaves you wondering about all that you just saw.

In the end, “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” exists more as a curiosity more than a movie. As much as it wants to shock and unsettle you, it won’t have the staying power of a movie like “Salo.” Six does promise a third and final film in this series, and that one threatens to be even more graphic. Since it is inevitable, let’s hope that he has more of a story going for it instead of just simply grossing us out.

* * out of * * * *

In a lot of ways “Paranormal Activity 3” really shouldn’t work. It’s the third in the astonishingly popular series, and it looks to be officially replacing “Saw” as the official franchise in the month of October. The third in a trilogy is also when the series starts running out of creative juices and becomes bound by an increasingly aging formula. Maybe it’s time to move on to the next big thing in horror movies, right?

Not quite. Despite the inescapable feeling of déjà vu, “Paranormal Activity 3” still has the power to scare and unnerve viewers, and I knew exactly what I was doing when I saw it at night. This one comes from the makers of “Catfish,” a documentary I meant to see by now, but anyway. They follow the familiar setup, and it still has a number of jump out of your seat moments that shows that there is life left in this franchise.

Whereas “Paranormal Activity 2” was a prequel and a sequel, this one is a flat out prequel which takes place 18 years before the events of the original. Sisters Katie and Kristi, played by Katie Featherston and Sprague Grayden in the previous films, are seen here as children who live with their mother Julie (Lauren Bittner) and stepdad Dennis (Christopher Nicholas Smith). Things get weird however when Kristi gets an invisible friend named “Toby,” and strange occurrences develop in their home with increasing volatility.

Since this prequel takes place back in 1988, the filmmakers work with seemingly prehistoric technology such as video cameras and VHS tapes. Part of it serves as a needless reminder of how Betamax got its ass kicked years ago. While the technology is limited compared to what the characters had to use in the future forces everyone here to get creative with what they have.

Once again the man of the house (it’s always the man) sets up a barrage of video cameras in various rooms to figure out what’s going on in order to put an end to it. The only disadvantage is that the VHS tapes only allow for 6 hours of recording at the most. Somehow the spirits do make their appearance before the tape rolls out which you have to say is rather convenient for everyone involved.

The one new thing in “Paranormal Activity 3” is that Dennis comes up with the idea of attaching one video camera to the base of a fan. As the camera veers from side to side, we have another reason to be tense about what we’re watching. Will there be something on the other side that will jump out at us? This quickly becomes a clever device which distinguishes this sequel from the previous ones.

I do have to say though that “Paranormal Activity 3” got off to a shaky start. There were a bunch of cheap scares which (whether they worked or not) had me worrying that this entry would be full of them. While they may have provided the audience with a good jolt, it made me wonder if the series was going to descend into self parody. Once that happens, the series might as well end. Fortunately things straighten out as the happenings inside the house become increasingly unrelenting in their viciousness.

There are many moments that had my hair standing on end; Furniture moving around almost by itself, a character running into something that isn’t visible, and someone’s hair getting grabbed; “Paranormal Activity 3” may seem like business as usual, but this business is still producing terrifying moments just as things start looking old. Like the previous entries, I’m not entirely sure how the filmmakers pulled off certain special effects (the one at the very end is a painful shocker), and I don’t want to know for fear of breaking the illusion.

I recently watched “The Thing” which was a prequel to John Carpenter’s 1982 film. It reminded the problem of prequels in general in that you know who is gonna live and die, and the suspense gets diluted as a result. The advantage “Paranormal Activity 3” has is that while we know the little girls will survive to future installments, we aren’t sure of the adults’ fate. Katie and Kristi only reveal so much about what happened to them as children in the second film, so we are left to guess if any adults hanging around these kids will live to see the next day. Had the girls revealed the exact chronology of events, this prequel would have been screwed from the get go.

Many critics have had their fill now of the “Paranormal Activity” films it seems, but the formula they have created still works to a strong effect. That invisible spirit still can scare the crap out of us, and it actually makes me open to seeing “Paranormal Activity 4” get made. Granted, Paramount Pictures and Oren Peli can only keep going on for so long, but they have made it this far without losing any of the power which made the original so damn scary in the first place. Here’s hoping the filmmakers don’t trip over themselves in the future. We all know what happened to “Blair Witch 2: Book of Shadows.”

You’ll still need a Bloody Mary (the drink I mean) after this thing is over.

* * * out of * * * *

DIRECTED BY
Philip Gunn
David Valdez

STARRING
Ross Kelly - Philbert
Ashley Bryce - Valerie
Jared Herholtz - Edwin
Isaac Kappy - Buzter Pie
Mike Miller - Bonzo
Chris K. Payne - Puff

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Comedy/Clowns

Running Time - 84 Minutes


I always dread having to review a horror film involving clowns. While there are some decent-to-good ones, such as DRIVE THRU, IT, and KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE, a majority of them are pretty terrible. The last two films I've watched involving clowns, CHUCKLE'S REVENGE and ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN, left bad tastes in my mouth. Hell, I hate clowns in general. Why do I bother even reviewing anything involving these spawns of Satan?

I guess when you see a title called KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE [which is being released on DVD by Troma Entertainment], you tend to be slightly intrigued...and horrified about the prospect of the film's quality. But I shouldn't complain too much. After all, I received the DVD screener free with all special features intact and without that distracting logo to stop people from putting the film on torrent sites. I also shouldn't complain about the film itself, as it actually happens to be a silly slasher film that's quite a lot of fun! Who knew? Smack me with a pie and let's review this surprisingly good clown flick!

PLOT
A clown boot camp has finally reopened after 15 years, recruiting a few clowns who want to master their pie throwing and balloon animal making. During a campfire, the clowns learn of a legend about Edwin the Clown (Jared Herholtz), who 15 years prior was unable to make his clown peers laugh when a cell phone interruption disrupted his stage act. Edwin, being frustrated as he was seen as a joke and a failure, decided to murder his classmates viciously and go into hiding. Old Man Bonzo (Mike Miller), losing his television show because of the crimes, decided to reopen the camp to bring back its good reputation [which is now at "Death Curse" status]. However, Edwin learns about this and decides that he'll make sure the camp closes down again by murdering these rookie clowns in really horrific ways...for good!

REVIEW
Color me surprised, but KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE is a hoot of a slasher film. Paying homage to more popular slasher movies, such as 1978's HALLOWEEN and the FRIDAY THE 13TH franchise, this independent low-budget horror-comedy knows exactly what it is and works very hard in making sure the audience is aware of it. And I must say, while the film isn't perfect, KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE has a lot to be proud of as its success rate is a lot higher than one would expect, myself included.

Writers/directors Philip Gunn and David Valdez present a really silly, yet fun and kind of clever screenplay that just shows their love for the slasher sub-genre. On the surface, KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE is your typical slasher movie. The killer wants revenge because he feels scorned and is traumatized by something in his past. The scene of the crime is reopened or celebrating something that reminds the killer of the past, making him want to celebrate in his own way. The characters are pretty stereotypical, or in this case, variations of expected clowns you have seen before. There is also over-the-top violence and lots of sex and T & A. It's FRIDAY THE 13TH, but with clowns. So if that's your thing, then you should enjoy the main plotline of the movie.

What makes KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE stand out, however, is how far it goes with the clown motif. This movie could have just had a clown killer murdering other clowns just like your typical slasher. But the film happens to be much more structured than that. For one, it seems the world that KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE lives in revolves around the life of clowns. Very early in the film, we see that much of what's on television is related to what clowns do. The news reporter is a clown. There are hip-hop videos starring clowns. There are television shows and cartoons - all starring clowns. Even the magazine world showcases clowns. It's as if clowns have taken over in this universe, with regular "non-clown" people being the minority. It actually creates a silly, yet unique, atmosphere to the film. These clowns don't feel like outsiders when most of everyone else in the world is a clown, as it's a family tradition. I think it was a great touch to do this and made the film a lot more watchable, in my opinion.

I also liked the variation in clown characters. While the character development isn't all that deep [then again, how many slasher films have deep characterization?], the looks and personalities of each main clown character are all distinct. Valerie is a sad clown with pink hair and a tear and frown painted on her face. She's also the deepest character, as she doesn't want to be a clown but does it to please her grandfather. She also has deep skeletons in her closet that continuity bring trauma to her life. Philbert is the rookie clown. Butzer Pie is the Juggalo-looking clown who's a bit of a troublemaker, due to being from the streets. He looks like a member of KISS with his face paint, being the bad boy of the group. Puff is the magician clown, who actually has special powers relating to magic. And Edwin is the non-funny, messed up in the head clown who enjoys murdering others. There's also a cowboy clown, a nerd clown, a mentally slow clown, and even a pervert clown who wears a trenchcoat with not much underneath as he constantly masturbates, which you can tell by the silly sound effects that comes [no pun intended] with it. We also watch them doing typical clown activities, such as using whoopie cushions, throwing pies, and spraying seltzer water at each other. Some of these clowns get more screen time than others, but all of them are easy to identify and are fun to watch. I'm surprised none of them annoyed me, but I really liked watching all of them!

The homages to other slasher and horror films are also well done and a treat for fans who know these movies. Part of the opening theme sounds like a different take on the John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN theme, which quickly changes into one that sounds like the original FRIDAY THE 13TH theme. As a matter of fact, anytime Edwin is about to kill, we hear the classic "ki ki ki ma ma ma" but with a clown twist. The scene around the campfire, talking about the legend of Edwin, seems to be inspired mainly by FRIDAY THE 13TH PART 2. There's a "Death Curse" character that's obviously inspired by the first two FRIDAY THE 13TH films. Edwin has a cabin nearby the camp, like Jason Voorhees. There's a car chase scene that seems to be taken from HALLOWEEN 5: THE REVENGE OF MICHAEL MYERS. There's even a FRIDAY THE 13TH PART VI: JASON LIVES parody. And Butzer, doing his best Suicide from RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD impersonation, quotes, "You think this is a fuckin' costume? This is a way of life!" A lot of these moments made me laugh as I was impressed that KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE managed to still be its own film even with all these nods to the past.

As for your typical slasher film, you definitely get a lot of gory violence and very sexual situations. The death scenes manage to be quite creative and funny. One clown gets scalped and has his brain squeezed so the juice can run down. We get a hitchhiker [spoofed from the original FRIDAY THE 13TH] on the way to the camp, who is murdered by getting her face squashed into a car window. One clown gets hooked and then grounded inside a haystack machine. Another clown gets a pie to the face, followed by a knife to the face. One gets hung by the neck. Another gets acid to the face, which melts it all off. We get a few decapitations, explosions, mallet bashings, throat slicings, gunshots, and even a clown getting sawed in half. For a low budget film, I thought all the death sequences looked really fantastic and very professional looking. I was quite impressed and even "ooh" and "ahh"'d at some of them. As for the sex, we get a ton of boobs, close to frontal male nudity, and even a really funny sex scene with clown noises. Pretty funny stuff.

The direction by Philip Gunn and David Valdez is really great. I would have thought this production had a bigger budget than it actually did - the movie looks that good. The editing is solid. The composition and framing is perfect for this type of film. There's also quite a lot of style here. For example, the opening sequence, which is supposedly shot on a VHS camcorder in 1991, is being watched on said VHS tape with grain, snow, and just worn out footage to make it look authentic. The flashback with Edwin is shot in black and white, almost noir-style. Even a lot of subtle touches, such as the blood stains that resembles a clown face on a mirror, to all the well-shot homages of previous horror films, are just well planned and well structured visually. Usually having more than one director could really screw up a project, but Gunn and Valdez obviously love the genre and were able to collaborate very well together to come out with a superior product. The film is called KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE and these two men give you exactly what you're expecting visually. I dug it.

I won't get into all the actors in the film, but they were all great in their roles. They were silly, over-the-top, and dedicated to each of their roles. I felt Jared Herholtz stood out as the killer Edwin, embracing the role. I also thought Isaac Kappy as Butzer Pie was very funny. And the cameo by Troma's own Lloyd Kaufman was great as well. I really liked the cast as they all worked well together to bring the script to life.

The DVD also has 2 hours of Special Features including:

- Audio Commentary by Co-Directors David Valdez and Philip Gunn and Executive Producer Darren Gunn
- Deleted Scenes
-"The Making Of..." Featurette
-6 Webisodes
- Trailer

Good stuff.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE BLOWING UP MY WHOOPIE CUSHION

- Edwin scalped his roommate and squeezed his brains into the roommate's colorful cereal. Ironically, the Fruit Loop is Edwin himself.

- Some creepy dude warned the clowns not to go to Camp Sparkly Lake. I agree. Those TWILIGHT idiots live there. I'll take my chances with the mentally challenged mama's boy at the other lake.

- Edwin hooked the Southern Cowboy Clown and grounded his body into a machine that took grass and grouped it into a box. I guess the cops are gonna have to find a needle-dick in a haystack!

- One of the clowns had her boobs painted as puppies. This explains why her pussy is foaming at the mouth. Ew...

- A pie exploded in one of the clown's faces, killing him. This is usually a great thing...in bed.

THE FINAL HOWL
Never judge a film by its title or cover, because KLOWN KAMP MASSACRE happens to be a lot of fun and well worth a look if you love slashers. The film looks great, the narrative is solid for the most part [not all the jokes work], the acting is pretty good, and the homages will leave horror fans with smiles on their faces. If you like your horror-comedies tongue-in-cheek, you'll get a kick out of this one. Just make sure you laugh often. You don't want a bitter clown leaving you a deadly whoopie cushion on your seat...

SCORE
3.5 Howls Outta 4

DIRECTED BY
Julian Grant

STARRING
Brian Shaw - Yar
Kathleen Lawlor - Janice
Alden Moore - Hak
Almir Limaj - Stabber

Genre - Horror/Zombies/Infected

Running Time - 100 Minutes


PLOT
In a post-apocalyptic world, a virus outbreak has infected much of the human population, turning them into something like cannibalistic zombies. The government is hunting down those infected, killing them in order to solve the problem they probably created.

We follow one infected family headed by Yar (Brian Shaw), who tries to keep his pregnant wife (Alden Moore) and two children safe from being captured and killed. Knowing his family wants some human flesh, he goes hunting, finding a body inside a tent, not realizing that there are radioactive warnings all around the corpse. He lets his family take the corpse for dinner while passing on it and drinking from a liquor bottle the corpse had on him instead.

The next day, Yar finds out that his family are now incredibly sick, to the point that each one of them dies. Yar does manage to save his newborn son by literally extracting him from his wife's corpse. Yar realizes he's his son's only hope for a better future, leaving his family behind and looking for some sort of haven. Along the way, he saves an uninfected woman named Janice (Kathleen Lawlor), who was about to be murdered by two infected humans. Although they both seem untrusting of each other at first, Yar and Janice come to sort of a truce as he lets Janice help him with his son. Will these three be able to start a new family? Or are their fates doomed?

REVIEW

STORY - THE DEFILED is an interesting take on the overused and overexposed zombie film. Presented in an arthouse sort of way, THE DEFILED focuses on the zombie's [or infected person's, in this case] point of the view of the situation rather than a human. Instead of survivors scrambling together to make sure they survive the outbreak while bickering on a good plan, THE DEFILED lets us in on the world of the infected themselves, making us witness what they need to do in order to survive. They communicate like cavemen [losing all intelligent speak], hunt for human flesh, and eat it to survive. They also have to hide from those who created them, knowing that they're hunting them down like dogs. It's an original and fascinating concept that I'm really surprised other filmmakers haven't latched too much on, although some have created more intelligent zombies that interact like humans would [like in DAY OF THE DEAD, FIDO, and LAND OF THE DEAD].

THE DEFILED is also strong due to the fact that it has an infected character teaming up with a healthy human as they go on the run to protect themselves and Yar's newborn. As humans, we know another human is capable of love, protection, and the willingness to sacrifice themselves to save someone we deeply care for. But Yar's portrayal is more profound as, in a lot of ways, lost a lot of his human side due to this disease he's suffering from. His mind and behavior has degenerated into nothing but instinctual knowledge and feelings. He's like an animal in a lot of ways - doing anything to survive while remaining loyal to his family. The fact that Yar still has human feelings of compassion and love for his son is a great character trait and makes the audience support him throughout the film. It also makes his alliance with Janice more effective as even though they're now different, they both have the same feelings for each other and for the baby. It's a great display of showing that two different people, one diseased and the other not, are both the same. This gives the hunters more of a villain feel since they want to destroy this due to being afraid of the outbreak spreading, even though they were probably a part of it or working for those who were.

THE DEFILED also has to contend with the fact that there is no actual dialogue in the film at all. We do have music and the characters do grunt and yell at each other, but no actual words are spoken for 100 minutes. It's a big challenge to keep an audience invested in a story that doesn't involve emoting with words. Instead, the acting has to really make up for this. And while sometimes, dialogue could have helped during duller moments in the film, I appreciate the boldness by Julian Grant to let the visuals do the talking rather than the characters making up the film.

I will say that THE DEFILED did bore me a bit at times, especially after the hour mark where Yar and Janice are walking around to different places that don't really move the story forward. I understand these scenes were kept in to show what society and civilization now looks like due to this horrible outbreak, but the film wouldn't have changed much if taken out. In fact, I feel as if this great concept would have been more effective as a shorter film. With less focus on establishing this world and more focus on the character's journey for salvation in a desolate civilization, THE DEFILED would have gotten better praise from people. But the film does lose its momentum for a while in the second half, although the final act does make up for it somewhat. Still, trimming maybe 25 minutes wouldn't have hurt the film at all.

DIRECTION - Julian Grant does a really excellent job bringing his vision to life. While I already mentioned the uneven pacing with certain dull scenes that could have been edited out, the rest of the visuals work better than one would expect from a film like this. THE DEFILED is shaded with a blue-grey tint to give off a look that was inspired by NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD (1968) and CARNIVAL OF SOULS. It actually gives the make-up work and special effects done for the infected [created by Robert Kurtzman] a more old-school, creepy look that looked pretty convincing of their condition. There is a moment where the film does go into a reddish tint, but it's during a dream or flashback sequence or something. The cinematography and camera work is very nice. The editing is solid, although Grant likes to fade-in and fade-out a lot, which can be a bit distracting and annoying. I would have loved a dissolve every now and then. I do have to give credit to Grant for taking on an ambitious project and making it work for the most part. It'd be interesting to see what he can do with a bigger budget and some dialogue.

EDGE FACTOR - Language is N/A. There is a sex scene, but nothing that's graphic at all. As for the violence, there are gunshots and physical grappling. But it's pretty tame stuff considering the other opinions out there in this very sub-genre.

ACTING - There are really only two main actors in the film. Brian Shaw was excellent as Yar. His role involved a ton of body language and he used it really well to convey every emotion he had to portray without speaking. I thought he carried the film like a champ. Kathleen Lawlor was decent as Janice. She had good moments, but I wished she'd show more expression with her face. She usually had the same face for much of the film. But I thought the two had nice chemistry as they worked well off of each other.

SPECIAL FEATURES - The DVD for THE DEFILED comes with a few features. One is a feature-length commentary track with actors Brian Shaw and Kathleen Lawlor, pretty much giving audiences information about the film's production and discussing their time filming the movie. Other stuff includes "Slide Show", which is a 4-minute slideshow of stills from the film, "Home Movies", which is 2-minute test footage that's not really explained. And of course a trailer for the film itself.

THE FINAL HOWL
THE DEFILED is a film that's high on ambition and meets it for the most part. I still feel that this film would be stronger as a short, as the second half does drag on a bit without dialogue. But the film is unique and interesting enough for me to recommend it to those who want to see something different and more artsy done with the typical zombie film.

SCORE3 Howls Outta 4

DIRECTED BY
Steve O'Brien
Warren Speed

STARRING
Seymour Mace - Johnny Hellfire
Warren Speed - Pervo the Clown
Victoria Hopkins - Skye Brannigan
Victoria Broom - Rachel Brannigan
Marysia Kay - Red Zander
Peter Bonner - Zeus
Kate Soulsby - Harmony Starr
Bill Fellows - Henry Zander
Gillian Settle - Blue Zander
Christian Steel - Tycho Zander

Genre - Horror/Comedy/Zombies/Indie

Running Time - 85 Minutes


Have you ever wondered what type of women Satan is attracted to? I mean, does he fancy model-esque women, like Gisele Bundchen or Heidi Klum? Does he like bigger women, like Mo'Nique or Kirstie Alley? Maybe he likes men who dress like women, like RuPaul, who knows? What do you think?

Wait...you've never asked yourself these questions?

Do you want to know why?

Because NO ONE GIVES A BLOODY FOOK!

And neither do the creators of ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN, where Satan doesn't even make an appearance or get a slight mention, even though his name is plastered to sell copies of this independent horror film from the great United Kingdom. You know what else the creators don't give a bloody fook about? A decent script, direction, or even entertaining its audience.

That's right, everyone. It's one of those reviews. The WTF? Vault is back after a six-month hiatus, ready to bite into this piece of zombie crap! God save the Queen...and my sanity!

PLOT
A group of traveling burlesque performers [Johnny Hellfire (Seymour Mace), Pervo the Clown (Warren Speed), Harmony Starr (Kate Soulsby), Zeus the dwarf (Peter Bonner), Damage (Joe Nicholson), and singer Skye Brannigan (Victoria Hopkins)] grab the attention of a really weird family, who seem to be inviting naive ladies to drink their Kool-Aid. The son, Tycho (Christian Steel), hosts an internet TV show and wants to interview the group. Unfortunately, things at the cult are taking a turn for the worse. It seems Tycho's father, Henry (Bill Fellows), is doing some experiments on these cult girls, turning them into zombies.

It seems that someone spiked the Kool-Aid with the zombie serum at one of the cult parties that occurred during the TV interview, turning all the cult members into blood-hungry zombies. Warned by his sisters Red (Marysia Kay) and Blue (Gillian Settle), Tycho locks the burlesque group inside the studio while he and his sisters deal with the problem. Unfortunately, Skye recognizes her long-lost sister Rachel (Victoria Broom) as one of the uninfected cult girls, giving her motivation to kill these zombies and rescue Rachel. The other members just try and survive while making the lamest jokes ever.

Where's that bomb from THE RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD when you need it? It would have saved me 85 minutes of my life.

REVIEW
ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN is a low budgeted horror film that was made by people who wanted to make a film for themselves and their friends, forgetting that an actual audience with some level of taste would be watching also. It's even more frustrating when the film has such a cool title and a concept that really is sure-fire for success, budget or not. But when you have incapable filmmakers behind-the-scenes, it all goes to poop.

The biggest culprit is the screenplay. I really don't know where to start because there's just so many things wrong with how the narrative is presented. I guess I can start with something positive and say that the narrative moves from a point A to a point B without confusing its audience. After all, ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN is pretty much a movie where a man, thinking he's God, creates zombies who want to feed on innocent humans who'll kill them to survive. You really can't screw that up. Fortunately, Seymour Mace and Steve O'Brien make the main plot of the film understandable enough that we understand what's going on and accept things in context of the story. Unfortunately, that's as far as the plot development goes. The surface is fine, but there's no depth or meat to make anyone want to care what they're watching here.

One of the reasons for this is lack of character development. On paper, all these characters sound great. Pervo the Clown is a perverted clown who loves banging women. Skye Brannigan is an edgy rock singer who kicks ass once she learns her sister is still alive. The Zander family are a bunch of kooks who run a cult and uses their members as lab rats. Just typing that makes ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN sound more interesting than it actually is. We know nothing about these characters because we're given nothing. Yeah, they all do things within the film that makes them stand apart from each other in a stereotypical fashion, but all horror films do that. We get no back stories for these characters. They don't really change from beginning to end. They do things that leave me bored, uninterested, or confused because they come off as one-dimensional rather than actual people. Most zombie films work well because the protagonists are colorful, fleshed-out, and actually behave in ways that we can understand and relate to them. Since I have no opportunity to know these characters on more than just a superficial level, why should I, or anyone else, care?

The lack of character development stems from the fact that nothing is really explained in detail. Henry performs these experiments on these girls behind Tycho's back. Why? What is his purpose for doing this? Is he trying to bring a loved one back to life? No. Does he want to play God? Not sure because nothing in the film is able to answer that. It's there because it has to be there for the story to work. Why are there zombies? Because Henry is making them. But I couldn't tell you why.

Same goes to the rest of his family. The Zanders are a really kooky bunch, and if they were three-dimensional, they could have been great characters. The problem is that we don't know why they do the things they do. Why is Tycho running a cult when he seems to be pretty made as a TV internet host? Yeah, he's banging all the girls in the cult but what else is there? Why is his mother chained to a wall in Henry's lab? She's obviously insane, but was she like that before being the family's prisoner? Did Henry do that to her in an experiment? All I know about this woman is that she lost more than few marbles, begs Henry to touch and fuck her [I'm not kidding - she does this on more than one occasion to an annoyingly degree], and enjoys kissing her son while watching him bang a zombie, which was filmed on a video camera by his father, Henry. And I won't go into Red and Blue, who just seem indifferent about the whole incestuous situation as if it's normal. These are all interesting developments in a screenplay, but they're nothing without any sort of explanation behind them. I'm not supposed to take things for a grain of salt. I'm supposed to understand why things are happening the way they're supposed to in this film by a good screenwriter explaining to me through well-developed scenes and/or dialogue.

The other group of characters are no strangers to this either. Pervo the Clown brings women to his hotel room, plays Twister with them, and supposedly sleeps with them. Johnny Hellfire is annoyed by Pervo's behavior, yet takes one of his girls to his room. What does he do with her? Ties her to a chair as he duct tapes her mouth, while two other women wearing gas masks are sitting and watching the show.

What the fuck am I supposed to do with that??? What does this mean? Why are these characters doing this?

Also, it seems Pervo has a thing for Johnny, as he actually masturbates to a photo of him after an argument, trying to convince himself that he isn't gay. Not once was this subplot ever brought up beforehand or even played out in a way that it comes off as natural rather than a joke that misfires in every single way. Having just the punchline doesn't make people laugh. It just pisses them off.

Speaking of a shitty joke, there's literally a close to ten minute sequence of Zeus taking a dump in the woods as a zombie chases after him. I'm not kidding. He takes two minutes to find a damn spot, and then another five or six to push it out. And of course, we get all the poop sounds for those without the benefit of being deaf or dumb. And did I forget to mention that the last moment of this sequence is actually seeing his poop steaming on the grass in a close-up? It's not funny. It doesn't move the story along. It's not like DATE MOVIE, where Jinxers the Cat takes that massive dump in the toilet. That's funny because it's a puppet cat, it's out-of-the-blue and gives the cat some character [as juvenile as it is], and doesn't last ten fuckin' minutes! I could see something stupid like this in a spoof film. This type of filler doesn't belong in a zombie horror film.

Hell, most of the film is filled with jokes like these. Some might make you chuckle slightly at how stupid they are, but most of them will just make you make you wish you were watching something else. Oh look at Pervo wearing nipple tassels on his ass while he takes a pee! Are Pervo and Johnny making fun of each other with the unfunniest disses ever? Awesome! Golly, how funny is watching the characters playing with the zombie's boobs rather than killing her? I'm dying all right, but it isn't from laughter. The funniest part of the film was watching a zombie go after a victim in a wheelchair. At least that was memorable for all the right reasons, unlike 95 percent of this film. I guess I sold my sense of humor to Satan to watch this movie. I'm definitely asking for a refund.

As for the dialogue, let's just say that I almost thought Rob Zombie had written it. If there was a drinking game for the number of F-bombs that were dropped during this movie, I'd be dead from alcohol poisoning. And they're used just because the word "fuck" is edgy and dangerous, man! I also "love" that Skye's battle cry after each kill is "You bitch!" How clever.

Look, I'm not looking for David Mamet here. But every filmmaker should put some effort into their script. Just because you have a small budget doesn't mean you should have a small script. The screenplay has to be the best thing about this type of film. Unfortunately, it's the worst thing about it, which ruins the entire experience. If there was some actually care and polish during the writing process, this film could have been pretty great because there are actual moments here that could have led to really effective and memorable scenes. But I guess since the filmmakers figured that cussing and displaying boobs every three minutes would make up for that. Silly me.

Speaking of boobs, ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN is full of them. At least this distracted me from being completely bored. I have to thank that one zombie whose fun bags were so huge, that I'm surprised she didn't knock herself out while running. Her children will be so lucky when they're born. Sure, it's a bit sexist since [besides Pervo, who is shirtless and has an ass shot] pretty much all the zombie women are nude to some extent. But that sexism is the only thing that doesn't feel forced in this film. So I'll take it and enjoy it as little as I can. How do you think I managed to watch this film for 90 minutes? The story? Psh!

The gore isn't great, but there's a lot of red stuff here. Unfortunately, the FX isn't all that convincing and most of the deaths take place off screen. As a matter of fact, most of these zombies die to massive blows to the head. And when we do see them die in other ways, you can clearly tell it's a mannequin getting it. It's a low budget, so that's understandable. But that's why a stronger script was needed here. This only adds to how bad this film really is.

The direction by both Steve O'Brien and Warren Speed is unimpressive. The camera work annoyed me more times than I could count. It shook a whole lot during the fight scenes. The editing is terrible. There were a lot of shots from the ground that, I guess, was supposed to create some sort of creepy effect, but it just comes off as amateur. Slow motion is also used here, but it's done in unoriginal ways. Even the timing and pacing is off. Not a visual masterpiece, that's for sure.

The acting was okay. I won't get into everyone, but they all did fine with what they were given. I thought Seymour Mace, Warren Speed, Christian Steel, and Victoria Hopkins were the better actors here for all different reasons. It would have been nice if they had better material at their disposal, but apparently these Zombie Women don't believe in that.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE REALIZING THAT THE ONLY SATANIC THING ABOUT THIS FILM ARE THE 85 MINUTES OF HELL I SACRIFICED WATCHING IT

- Henry's wife constantly begged him, "Touch me! Touch me!" Ew, she is no Samantha Fox! Still, "Naughty Girls Need Love Too".

- Pervo the Clown, The World's Greatest Knife Thrower, didn't throw any, taking his assistant, Harmony Starr, away instead. I guess he'll feed her his sword backstage then...

- Tycho renamed one of the cult girls "Zed". Well, she does make his "monster" grow...

- A bunch of girls turned into zombies after drinking some spiked Kool-Aid. Next time, more sugar and less Trioxin. Oh yeah!

- Tycho used golf club to kill a zombie. Before you swing and score, you must yell "Fore!" before nailing that whore. Tiger Woods would be proud.

- Tycho screwed a zombie while his dad videotaped it for Tycho's mom. Incest AND necrophilia - looks like this family tajes the game of Taboo a bit too seriously...

THE FINAL HOWL
I watch films looking for the good rather than the bad. This is especially true for low budget horror films. But doing that for ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN is pretty much an impossible task. It's not the worst film I've seen, but it's pretty close. I can forgive the cheap looking gore and special effects. I can forgive the really campy acting. But I can't forgive a horrible script, which should be the main focus for any low budget movie. And with terrible direction as well, I can't recommend this film to anyone at all - unless you like really lame, juvenile humor and a dwarf taking a dump for 10 minutes. If you want to watch a true zombie-comedy from the UK, stick with SHAUN OF THE DEAD. I'm sending ZOMBIE WOMEN OF SATAN to the WTF? Vault, where it can rot for all I care and...

SCORE
0.5 Howls Outta 4

DIRECTED BY
David Schmoeller

STARRING
Paul Le Mat - Alex Whitaker
William Hickey - Andre Toulon
Robin Frates - Megan Gallagher
Irene Miracle - Dana Hadley
Jimmie F. Skaggs - Neil Gallagher
Matt Roe - Frank Forrester
Kathryn O'Reilly - Carissa Stamford
Merrya Small - Theresa

Genre - Horror/Supernatural/Dolls & Toys

Running Time - 88 Minutes


For as long as horror films have existed, killer toys and/or dolls have existed. From 1920's silent horror film, THE GOLEM, to those two Twilight Zone episodes dealing with that creepy doll and that creepy dummy, to 1975's TRILOGY OF TERROR, to more modern stuff like 1988's CHILD'S PLAY and 1992's DOLLY DEAREST - watching harmless inanimate objects move by themselves and attack people can be pretty creepy. These are things we all grew up with as children. To have these products of our innocence turn into something more sinister is pretty scary, yet entertaining at the same time.

Charles Band felt the same way. The founder and producer at Empire Pictures during the 1980s, he contributed to a lot of iconic horror films such as RE-ANIMATOR, GHOULIES, and FROM BEYOND. One of Band's most popular productions was the Stuart Gordon directed, 1987's DOLLS. It was a cult hit that most likely helped in the success of a more popular killer doll film, 1988's CHILD'S PLAY featuring the infamous Chucky. In 1989, Band wanted to capitalize on CHILD'S PLAY mainstream success by writing his own killer doll film, but using the idea of handcrafted puppets that kill on their owner's command. So Band wrote the cult classic, PUPPETMASTER. Going for a straight-to-video approach with the film [feeling he'd make more money on the video market - smart move], not only was the film successful enough to create a ten-film franchise, but it made Full Moon Pictures [the distributor of the film] into a money-making company that famously cranked out low budget b-movies to fans' delight.

It's been over 21 years and PUPPETMASTER still has its audience, especially now that the film can be watched instantly on Netflix. But does it still hold up after all these years? Or did Charles Band pull the strings of horror audiences into believing this film was worth your money and time?

PLOT
In 1939, a puppet maker named Andre Toulon (William Hickey) makes puppets, using magical powers to bring them to life. As Nazi agents are on the way to kill him, Toulon hides the puppets inside his hotel room and then takes his own life.

Fast forward to 1989. A group of psychics [each having a different power] are called to the same hotel where Toulon took his life all those years ago. They unknowingly arrive during the funeral service of one of their own, Neil Gallagher (Jimmie F. Skaggs); most of them happy that Neil is dead and gone. Quickly after, the psychics start having nightmarish flashbacks and premonitions involving the history of the hotel. Pretty soon, the psychics are killed one-by-one by Toulon's puppets. Can anyone survive this puppet onslaught? Or will someone finally cut their strings once and for all [until the next sequel, that is]?

REVIEW
PUPPETMASTER is considered by many to be the franchise that has made Full Moon Pictures as popular as it is today [as well as being the company's most successful franchise]. And it's not hard to see why. Animated puppets are always fun to watch, especially when they can kill stupid characters in really horrible ways. However, if the story isn't as strong as the presence of these puppets, then its potential could be lost. And while the screenplay by Charles Band isn't horrible, there are still issues that prevent PUPPETMASTER from becoming one of the greats.

The narrative of PUPPETMASTER has so much potential, but it fails to do anything with it. For me, the best part of the story is actually the first ten minutes with Andre Toulon. In a short time, we understand a lot of things. One, it takes place during World War II. Two, the Nazis are after him. Three, he loves his puppets enough to hide them away in order to protect their secret. There's not a lot of dialogue or exposition to get that info. Just from the direction, the acting, and the storytelling, you can tell it's a great setup. I will say that I don't understand how Toulon brought these puppets to life [it's mention a couple of times during the film and I'm sure it's explored more in the sequels], but it's still a great beginning and keeps you wanting to watch more.

Unfortunately, the rest of the film falters. It's not because the present day stuff isn't interesting. In fact, there are a few things I do like about what the majority of the story tells. For one, I love how the main characters are all psychics. Not only that, but they seem to be psychics in different fields. Alex dreams of the future. Dana can sense evil and see it in her mind. Carissa is an empath, feeling and sensing the history of the things and people she touches. And Frank...well, I'm not really sure what he does. Maybe he sells cars or something, I don't know. But I think having the protagonists all have powers is an interesting and almost novel concept for a horror film like this. I wish Band could have explored these powers more, but what we do get is enough.

I also liked the puppet characters. Jester [the leader who can change facial expressions], Blade [the hook and dagger one], Pinhead [the strong guy of the group with huge hands to strangle people], Tunneler [drill head], and Ms. Leech [leeches come out of her mouth - very slowly] all have distinct personalities and are fun and interesting to watch. They don't say a word, just letting their actions do the talking for them.

And that's the problem with PUPPETMASTER - the puppets have more personality than the human characters. Boy, did these protagonists really stretch my tolerance level. Carissa and Frank were the stereotypical horndogs of the film [with a pretty funny sex scene by the way]. Dana and her horrible Southern accent talked to her and waved a feather around to prevent evil spirits. And Alex, our main character, had to be one of the dullest protagonists I have ever seen in my life. He did nothing of note really. The worst character was that maid, Theresa. She didn't die quick enough for me. What an annoying woman! There was no one to root for here besides the puppets. And the puppets weren't in the film enough for audiences to cheer them on. These characters needed development badly! It's hard to watch 40 minutes of these people chatting and discussing issues concerning Neil Gallagher when you could give a rat's ass about them. I wouldn't be surprised if I learned that people fast-forwarded these scenes, or just turned off the film altogether. Being pushed to boredom is not entertainment.

The special effects by David Allen Productions is low budget, but it has a charm that makes me smile. Some of the effects are obviously stop-motion animation with a green screen involved, but they don't look that bad. Other effects involved the crew moving the puppets via strings, or even becoming one with the puppet as was the case with Pinhead's arms. Obviously it looks primitive, due to CGI being so heavily relied on for many years now. But I always loved old-school special effects because it shows the level of talent and patience the crew was willing to have to make the puppets look like they really came to life. Personally, I prefer these effects over CGI [usually most of it looks fake]. And for 1989 and low budget, these effects are still pretty good. I can't hate on them.

PUPPETMASTER also has a bit of violence and sexuality as well. We get a tame sex scene, a puppet sucking a dude's nipple, attempted rape, and some nice boobs as well. As for the bloodshed, we don't see much. But people get murdered in variety of ways, such as suicide, drilled through the mouth and neck, fingers cut off, bloodsucking leeches, and throats getting sliced open. Although puppets are usually children's entertainment, this film is anything but.

The direction by David Schmoeller, who's directed films like 1979's TOURIST TRAP, 1986's CRAWLSPACE, and 1982's THE SEDUCTION, is a mixed bag. The film, remastered both visually and aurally, looks great. There's some nice style going on here, especially with the POV shots from the puppets' perspectives. The death scenes are shot well. The editing is good. The stop-motion effects next to the live-action stuff mixes together more believably than it probably should. My only major qualm is the pacing. PUPPETMASTER moves way too slow for much of its running time, only quickening the pace during the beginning scene and the last act. The scenes without the puppets' involvement just drag. Certain scenes, like when Ms. Leech attempts to murder Frank, seems to take forever. And while this scene was way too long, watching Alex get punched for like five minutes straight was a bit hilarious. Having your main character being beaten like a bitch - great screenwriting!

The acting is pretty meh as well. Paul Le Mat bored me as Alex. He's not a bad actor, but he didn't make me interested at all in his character. Not sure it was because of him or the script not giving him really anything to do. Robin Frates was just there was Megan Gallagher. She looked cute though. Irene Miracle [great name!] was okay as Dana Hadley. I'm not sure if her accent was fake or not, but it had a charm to it. She looked okay when she was scared. Matt Roe was sleazy looking as Frank and Kathryn O'Reilly had a nice rack as Carissa. Merrya Small annoyed me as Theresa. That voice...ugh. And William Hickey was classy as always as Andre Toulon. I was expecting a cat to crawl out of his mouth, but thankfully that didn't happen. And if you got that reference, you rock!

As for the DVD itself [the 20th Anniversary DVD, by the way], the video and audio has been remastered from the original print. The film looks and sounds really well. We also get a really short Behind-The-Scenes feature, an intro from Charles Band himself, and a bunch of trailers. It's not really loaded with stuff but at least it has something extra.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE GETTING MY NIPPLES SUCKED BY A PUPPET

- Don't ever interfere with a puppeteer's life. His magical puppets will eventually bury you and others on Sesame Street after they bash your brains in with a Fraggle Rock. That'll teach future citizens a lesson - a lesson for me to POOP ON!!

- Dana mistakenly told some blonde ditz that her grandmother was going to die, even though it happened years ago. No wonder Dionne Warwick didn't stay too long in the fortune telling business. That's what friends are for, huh?

- Dana pricked a dead Neil to see if he was really dead. Pricking is a common practice in prison, although the other person usually screams for his life.

- Carissa felt horny on her hotel bed because she sensed that Clark Gable was had sex on it. Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

- Frank scared Carissa by wearing a pair of nylon stockings over his head and face. It's nice to see someone still spinning out and boiling their hair after all these years.

- Dana enjoys talking to her stuffed dog. The least the dog can do is talk back. What a bitch!

- If you're a man, don't let your girlfriend tie you to the bed. That'll only lead to deadly consequences. See also: BASIC INSTINCT and BRIDE OF CHUCKY.

THE FINAL HOWL
While not the greatest killer toy film I've seen, PUPPETMASTER is still a worthy look. It has more than its share of moments and the puppet characters are great to watch. Plus after 21 years, it still manages to hold up somewhat. I've never seen the sequels in this franchise, but I'm willing to take the chance on them. Even flawed, I guess I'm still under Andre Toulon's spell...

SCORE
2.5 Howls Outta 4

DIRECTED BY
Steve Shimek

STARRING
Shalaina Castle - Jordan
Brandon Sean Pearson - Cole
Clare Niederpruem - Alison
Kyle Paul - Will
Tye Nelson - Collin
Luke Drake - Officer Eric Schroeder
Richard Dutcher - Sheriff Ben
Allan Groves - Officer Marcus Larsen

Genre - Horror/Thriller/Slasher/Indie

Running Time - 90 Minutes


I remember that internet meme a couple of years back where you had to guide your mouse through a four-level maze. In each level, the paths would get narrower and narrower to the point where you would have to restart the whole thing when you touched a wall. But if you actually made it to that last level, you would get to the mid-point of the maze until *BAM* - a Pazuzu possessed Regan MacNeil from THE EXORCIST would pop up and scare the daylights out of you. Yes, I screamed like a bitch when she popped up. I'm man enough to admit it.

So why am I writing about that maze again? Because the reaction I got from it was a lot more stimulating than watching 2010's low-budget independent horror/thriller THE MAZE, which takes place in a corn field in the middle of nowhere. While not a terrible film, it won't leave you aMAZEd either. Here's the perfect example of a film that has a great idea, but can't live up to its potential due to several factors that's mostly out of its control.

PLOT
Five friends, who seem to bicker alot, decide to drive in search for a huge maze that's surrounded by rows and columns of corn stalks. Along the way, one of them brings up a story about a guy in a red hoodie stabbing and killing people, who venture through this maze, with scissors. Being the geniuses they are, they decide to head there anyway and check it out. Unfortunately by the time they arrive there, it's night and the maze is closed for the public. Being the geniuses they are, they decide to trespass and play a game of "tag" as they travel through the large maze. What they don't know is that someone wearing a red hoodie is also inside the maze, eager to attack these friends one-by-one.

REVIEW
THE MAZE could have been a pretty great horror/thriller if it had more things going for it, instead of against it. The main culprit is the lack of money to really fund a great premise like a killer in a corn field maze, as the film doesn't show us enough of what we need to see in order to make a movie like this work. The other culprit is a weak script that pretty much derails any potential or momentum THE MAZE needs to make it stand out.

Like I mentioned, the narrative is very weak because it doesn't seem to know what type of film it wants to tell. The first half of the movie is definitely a slasher, with a stalk-and-kill villain chasing after five one-dimensional characters through a corn field. The problem with the whole slasher deal is that it doesn't do what slashers are known for - nudity and graphic violence. No one gets even close to being naked in this film at all. Plus, the violence is pretty tame. There's barely any bloodshed. The kills seem to happen off-screen. And with characters that have no development at all, we need those two distractions to keep audiences invested in finishing the film. And I gotta say that the Final Girl has got to be one of the worst choices for a Final Girl in a slasher film. Not only do we know nothing about her, but she's a total bitch for most of the film. So why should I care about her survival again?

The second half of the film switches modes, becoming a thriller as the killer reveals himself and torments the Final Girl in a twist that I didn't see coming honestly. Unfortunately, I don't understand the twist's purpose because the backstory of the killer is never revealed. We have no idea why he does what he does. We have no idea why he only kills people who enter mazes of corn. We have no idea why he decides to play mind games with the lone survivor instead of killing her and getting it over with. I will say that once the killer is in his civilian clothes and actually speaks, his personality shines right through. In fact, I wanted to see more of the character. But with no clear motivations for his actions, there was definitely a piece of the puzzle missing.

And while the film was disjointed due to the change in genres, I felt the thriller portion of the movie was stronger than the slasher portion. The slasher portion dragged on for way too long, boring me to tears. The characters were very annoying, unlikable, and not even worth the time caring about. The killer should have killed them faster in my opinion. The thriller portion, while not exactly thrilling, was better paced. It went by quick and I liked the characters and acting better as well. Personally, THE MAZE should have been a shorter film, with maybe 15 dedicated to the slasher portion, and 30 minutes to the thriller portion. The film would have been more effective and the small budget would have gone to more things in the production, like maybe better actors and the graphic violence.

Nagging issues: Why would five adults drive for so many hours just to see a maze built with rows of corn husks? And why would they trespass at night, especially knowing that a killer did horrible things there? And when they did see the killer, why didn't they just run through the corn instead of actually trying to find a way out through the maze? I know horror characters are supposed to have smaller I.Q.'s than real life people, but this was pretty ridiculous.

The gore is pretty non-existent, due to the low budget. But we do get slashed throats, stabbings, gunfire, burnings, and even guillotine action. It was a very tame slasher. But I can understand why it wasn't better. With more money, the gore effects could have easily compensated for the unforgivable weak screenwriting and story structure.

The direction by Steve Shimek is more hit than miss. To get the negatives out of the way, Shimek doesn't provide enough tension or scares to satisfy horror and/or thriller audiences. We get the usual jump scares and false starts that most modern horror films rely on when there's no atmosphere to set the creepy mood. Shimek also relies on his score to provide tension and scares, but all they did was take me out of the scene. The music wasn't bad, but it just seemed to be playing during the wrong times at some spots. I also thought the pacing was off, like I mentioned earlier. The disjointing two halves didn't help either. I will say that Shimek does have some decent visual style behind the camera. There were moments in the film where slow motion his use of flashbacks worked well. I also loved the cinematography and composition of the film. It looked very professional for a small budget, with the settings and framing looking quite impressive and stunning at times. I thought the visuals were actually the best part of the film, I have to say. I would like to see what Shimek can do with better screenwriters and a bigger budget.

The acting in the film wasn't all that impressive, but it wasn't totally horrible. I will say the best actor was the killer himself. I won't say the character's name because I don't want to spoil who it is, but I dug his work in the last half of the film. Shalaina Castle was also cool as Jordan, although she annoyed me in the first half of the film.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE BUTTERING MY CORN

- "No one gets buried alive anymore." Tell that to Bill Pullman or Ryan Reynolds. I think they'd disagree with you...

- One of the characters had trouble lighting her cigarettes anytime she needs a smoke. No wonder she's single - she has no idea how to turn on things that are in her mouth.

- One of the characters got strangled to death. That's what happens when you get roped into doing a stupid maze.

- Don't bring a shotgun to a dangerous corn field. Corn will be the last thing getting popped.

- Don't get yourself trapped in a maze that has an Alice In Wonderland motif and a killer dressed in red. Once he gets his hands on you, it'll be off with your head!

THE FINAL HOWL
THE MAZE is a disappointing, mediocre low-budget horror film that could have been better if there was more money involved and if the screenplay was written better [I can forgive the budget, I can't forgive lazy writing for low or big budget films]. Still, we don't get a lot of horror films involving creepy corn fields. THE MAZE is a decent rental if you're into indie horror. Otherwise, I wouldn't bother. You wouldn't be missing a thing if you don't journey through this MAZE.

SCORE
2 Howls Outta 4